DROIT DU DIEU, Genesis and Murder in Five Parts Options

[JaxMyth]

I

In that moment
when we meet chest to chest,
when we grapple together in twilight
with voices thickened by sap,

that moment
before the cords are severed
and we are left mewling, blind,
with bodies quickened by death,
will you know me brother?

...and when
a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,
will you know me then?

Will our star be set?


II

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.


III

My hand
once held a stone
that was harder than hate,
its ragged edge was knapped to rip
your flesh.

Anger,
scalded my lips.
I sang you songs of death.
Yet now, I kneel down beside you
to taste

the wounds
that are your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, to use no stone.
I sound

my heart
and I wonder
why we shared a mother?
When you were not at all like me,
brother.


IV

...and at the edge of the field
God appeared suddenly to Cain

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
Yours is always the first of all.
As you see, I still try.
Although this smoke is acrid to the eye and lung
its smell is sweet.

I am not able to offer you anything
better than my brother
but unfortunately,’ smiled Cain
‘I am not my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’


V

God and the Serpent have gone.

There is no green
and no-one able to express
the desolation.

Eve’s shawl
is a desiccated and sinuous skin
that drifts slowly around the tree bones,
each scale a pale echo
blind and graceful.

Below,
the red earth is burdened
by fertile seed.

[bbnixon]

Jax,

I love this, have read it a couple of times...will take me a couple of more reads before I feel comfortable making comments. I need to let it settle. Right of God....I like better than its french translation...perhaps its my southern accent...when I hazard the french...it just comes out wrong... I will be back...just wanted to let you know this is exceptional.

Hope your day is very good

:) brenda

[JaxMyth]

Jax,

I love this, have read it a couple of times...will take me a couple of more reads before I feel comfortable making comments. I need to let it settle. Right of God....I like better than its french translation...perhaps its my southern accent...when I hazard the french...it just comes out wrong... I will be back...just wanted to let you know this is exceptional.

Hope your day is very good

:) brenda

Thank you Brenda I look forward to any comments that you may have.

The 'French' is a play off 'droit du seigneur', but here Cain has pre-empted God's right and taken Abel's life.

Regards and many thanks for your approbation,

Jax

[bbnixon]

Hi Jax,

I do not consider myself adept a critique...most of the time all I can offer is a readers perspectives, perhaps spark a thought, for the author...

I am back...I have read it about 10 times now...and have let it settle in my subconscious some and I think I have more of an exploration than a crit...first...the poem works...and as I said before...it is an exceptional write..if perhaps a little heavy handed...

Right of God, Right of the Lord....I still prefer the English as the French can easily be mispronounced...but perhaps that is just me..

I also like the way you have set it up with 5 movememnts/sections what is the proper word?, the retelling of an old story... I have a few nits...perhaps not nits...but thoughts....I will put them below


I

Will our star be set?

In that moment
when we meet chest to chest,
when we and grapple together in twilight
[s]with[/s] our voices thickened by sap,

that moment
before the cords are severed
and we are left mewling, blind,
with bodies quickened by death,
will you know me brother?

...and when
a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,
will you know me then?



I might start with "Will our star be set?" and a few other small changes. I like the questions, the conflict set up...and I love these lines...

a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,

II

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.

This section seems heavy handed perhaps it is the use of word "victim".. I am not sure why the use of victim bothers me, it seems almost cliche, how else to say it? innocent? sacrifice? not sure...

III

My hand
once held a stone
that was harder than hate,
its ragged edge was knapped to rip
your flesh.

Anger,
scalded my lips.
I sang you songs of death.
Yet now, I kneel down beside you
to taste

the wounds
that are your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, to use no stone.
I sound

my heart
and I wonder
why we shared a mother?
When you were not at all like me,
brother.


( I love the remorse of Cain in this strophe...the reflection of the bond of brotherhood-this is my favorite movement)

IV

...and at the edge of the field
God appeared suddenly to Cain

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
Yours is always the first of all.
As you see, I still try.
Although this smoke is acrid to the eye and lung
its smell is sweet.

I am not able to offer you anything
better than my brother
but unfortunately,’ smiled Cain
‘I am not by my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’

the famous line here...Cain smiling makes him seem sinister...the first evil man... I feel that perhaps some reference to the mark of Cain should be in either this strophe or the final one. Cain asks for his life, the reference to first...the first right...the right of God..perhaps? The offering of the sacrifices that sparked the fight? Abel as a sacrifice...because his first was spurned...This is just me thinking aloud...as I think this is the weakest movement. Perhaps re-order them, my brothers keeper first , than let me take breath and perhaps...the mark of Cain?

V

God and the Serpent have gone. ( LOVE THIS-WHAT A SIMPLE POWERFUL STATEMENT)

There is no green
and no-one able to express
the desolation.

Eve’s shawl
is a desiccated and sinuous skin
that drifts slowly around the tree bones,
each scale a pale echo
blind and graceful.

Below,
the red earth is burdened
by fertile seed.

No nits just appreciation for this final movement.


Hope this helps...as always take what you like and toss the rest. I believe it is an exceptional write. It will stay with me.

hope your day is good.

:) brenda

[JaxMyth]

Hi Jax,

I do not consider myself adept a critique...most of the time all I can offer is a readers perspectives, perhaps spark a thought, for the author...

I am back...I have read it about 10 times now...and have let it settle in my subconscious some and I think I have more of an exploration than a crit...first...the poem works...and as I said before...it is an exceptional write..if perhaps a little heavy handed...

Right of God, Right of the Lord....I still prefer the English as the French can easily be mispronounced...but perhaps that is just me..

I also like the way you have set it up with 5 movememnts/sections what is the proper word?, the retelling of an old story... I have a few nits...perhaps not nits...but thoughts....I will put them below


I

Will our star be set?

In that moment
when we meet chest to chest,
when we and grapple together in twilight
[s]with[/s] our voices thickened by sap,

that moment
before the cords are severed
and we are left mewling, blind,
with bodies quickened by death,
will you know me brother?

...and when
a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,
will you know me then?



I might start with "Will our star be set?" and a few other small changes. I like the questions, the conflict set up...and I love these lines...

a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,

II

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.

This section seems heavy handed perhaps it is the use of word "victim".. I am not sure why the use of victim bothers me, it seems almost cliche, how else to say it? innocent? sacrifice? not sure...

It riffs off a poem by A.D.Hope where he has Eve giving birth to the first murderer. Abel was the first victim of homicide, innocent? Maybe he crowed to Cain. Maybe he threatened Cain with the use of his perceived power of being a chosen one? More importantly though it does not state who was the first born. The assumption is always Cain.

III

My hand
once held a stone
that was harder than hate,
its ragged edge was knapped to rip
your flesh.

Anger,
scalded my lips.
I sang you songs of death.
Yet now, I kneel down beside you
to taste

the wounds
that are your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, to use no stone.
I sound

my heart
and I wonder
why we shared a mother?
When you were not at all like me,
brother.


( I love the remorse of Cain in this strophe...the reflection of the bond of brotherhood-this is my favorite movement)

Remorse or musing? He dwells on the otherness of Abel.

IV

...and at the edge of the field
God appeared suddenly to Cain

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
One meaning of Abel is 'breath', with the double entendre Cain is playing with God in a big way. He is virtually asking for God's imprimatur on the fratricide.

Yours is always the first of all.
Again the 'droit' the concept behind the jus primae noctis. God takes the first fruits, the first born

As you see, I still try.
Although this smoke is acrid to the eye and lung
its smell is sweet.
The smoke from the fruits of the field are acrid but from flesh sweet. Cain is burning the body of Abel in plant material, a parody of Abel's normal sacrifice.

I am not able to offer you anything
better than my brother
Again the double meaning.

but unfortunately,’ smiled Cain
‘I am not by my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’
And again.

the famous line here...Cain smiling makes him seem sinister...the first evil man... I feel that perhaps some reference to the mark of Cain should be in either this strophe or the final one. Cain asks for his life, the reference to first...the first right...the right of God..perhaps? The offering of the sacrifices that sparked the fight? Abel as a sacrifice...because his first was spurned...This is just me thinking aloud...as I think this is the weakest movement. Perhaps re-order them, my brothers keeper first , than let me take breath and perhaps...the mark of Cain?

V

God and the Serpent have gone. ( LOVE THIS-WHAT A SIMPLE POWERFUL STATEMENT)

There is no green
and no-one able to express
the desolation.

Eve’s shawl
is a desiccated and sinuous skin
that drifts slowly around the tree bones,
each scale a pale echo
blind and graceful.

Below,
the red earth is burdened
by fertile seed.

No nits just appreciation for this final movement.


Hope this helps...as always take what you like and toss the rest. I believe it is an exceptional write. It will stay with me.

hope your day is good.

:) brenda

I really appreciate your comments they help clarify my thoughts.

Does the background help?

Many thanks Brenda.

[AMETHYST]

First Jax... WHeeeeeepeeeee... I got to make use of the French Translator! Translating your title, which comes up as Right of the God. Is that your what you meant it to be or should I be looking at another translator! LOL

This is some well thought out work. If I remember you are just adventuring out on Free Verse, right? ... If this is correct, youve really got an eye for detail and design. Many times, it is perference of less equals more and in FV I find that sharpening an image with less wordiness is improving on the read.

Some thoughts to follow, but please feel free to use or lose. I think this is well worth the read and any time spent polishing it up.

Best Wishes, Liz

I

In that moment
when we meet chest to chest,
when we grapple together in twilight
with voices thickened by sap,

Because L1 sort of starts off in past tense I found that I half expected or wanted to say, 'when we met,' also some thoughts on various weeding out...

In that moment
when we met chest to chest,
grappling together in twilight,
voices thickened by sap,

that moment
before the cords are severed
and we are left mewling, blind,
with bodies quickened by death,
will you know me brother?

I would omit the repeat of that moment, and begin with L2, Absolutely wonderful, just wonderful meaning and intent here, loved the use of mewling and L4, 'bodies qickened by death,' raw depth and profound follow through with L5 ... 'Will you know me brother? ...

...and when
a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,
will you know me then?



Will our star be set?

This is another poweful stanza. only a mild suggestion to weed out the repetition of stone,

between a stone risen and its fallen,
will you know me then? ...

II

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.

This is also very powerful. Short, yet poignant in the depth and idea of times of Adam and Eve, and L4, 'squirmed upon the Earth' Echoing applause...

III

My hand
once held a stone
that was harder than hate,
its ragged edge was knapped to rip
your flesh.

L3, perhaps 'much harder than hate,

No other nits here, again ... I really don't want to sound repetitious in my applause, but this is riveting and powerfully though provoking. I loved the use of knapped ... excellent.

Anger,
scalded my lips.
I sang you songs of death.
Yet now, I kneel down beside you
to taste

the wounds
that are your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, to use no stone.
I sound

I wasn't too sure of ' that are your head' hmmmm, sounds like a mistype... perhaps I've placed on your head, or perhaps ... on your head, or perhaps ...

the wounds
upon your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, use no stone.
I sound...

my heart
and I wonder
why we shared a mother?
When you were not at all like me,
brother.

Perhaps ...

my heart
and wonder why
we shared a mother?
You were not at all like me,
brother.


IV

...and at the edge of the field
God appeared suddenly to Cain

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
Yours is always the first of all.
As you see, I still try.
Although this smoke is acrid to the eye and lung
its smell is sweet.

I would stanza break at 'Although this smoke is acrid...and perhaps a line break after acrid, bringing down to the eye and lung with added comma at lung

Example:

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
Yours is always the first of all.
As you see, I still try.

Although this smoke is acrid
to the eye and lung,
its smell is sweet

I am not able to offer you anything
better than my brother
but unfortunately,’ smiled Cain
‘I am not my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’

No words can relate how powerful and dramatic this stanza becomes... especially as Cain, makes that common notation ... ' I am not my brother's keeper' ... giving it much more worth than ever realized.

V

God and the Serpent have gone.

There is no green
and no-one able to express
the desolation.

Eve’s shawl
is a desiccated and sinuous skin
that drifts slowly around the tree bones,
each scale a pale echo
blind and graceful.

Below,
the red earth is burdened
by fertile seed.

I cannot begin to find the words that express how this ending has left me sitting in awe, the completion of the poem is magnificent... these final words are ever so ... I am speechless to this poem!

Jax ... I pray this is not published or unavailable for IBPC ... I would so like to nominate it ... don't say no ... oh please don't... This is a sure fire winner ...


Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Dear Jax, I can't offer you much in crit, mate. I think it's great.

I noticed the allusion to A.D.Hope's poem, which I also admire. Your follow-up is apt and unmistakable:

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.

Let me digest the whole poem a bit.

[Merlin]

Hello JM,

I should spend more time in this forum, but lately have been back in IP mode. My transition into FV is taking time, but I have that. No rush. I've read reams, both verse and essays, in order to become more familiar with this style.

I like your posting in the overall - good structure, good linebreaks, and all things I find important. There is one thing I'll not understand - and here I don't single you out, rather include you - and that is the fact that so many will break a verse (ie - paragraph) in mid-sentence. This is a thing that I lack the ability to understand... why? Your example in IV >>>
‘I am not my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’
is a prime example - I fail in the logic of this break.

Then again, perhaps it's not important.

Enjoyed the posting.

Merlin

[JaxMyth]

Hi Liz,

First Jax... WHeeeeeepeeeee... I got to make use of the French Translator! Translating your title, which comes up as Right of the God. Is that your what you meant it to be or should I be looking at another translator! LOL

No, but more accurately "The Right of God"
It is a play on the "Droit du Seigneur"
The power of the demand to be first, psychological domination.

http://www.fibri.de/jus/arthbes.htm


This is some well thought out work. If I remember you are just adventuring out on Free Verse, right? ... If this is correct, youve really got an eye for detail and design. Many times, it is perference of less equals more and in FV I find that sharpening an image with less wordiness is improving on the read.

No Liz FV was with me first and my first published pieces were all in FV I then took a thirty year sabbatical coming back with a greater appreciation of formal.

Some thoughts to follow, but please feel free to use or lose. I think this is well worth the read and any time spent polishing it up.

Best Wishes, Liz

I

In that moment
when we meet chest to chest,
when we grapple together in twilight
with voices thickened by sap,

Because L1 sort of starts off in past tense I found that I half expected or wanted to say, 'when we met,' also some thoughts on various weeding out...

In that moment
when we met chest to chest,
grappling together in twilight,
voices thickened by sap,

that moment
before the cords are severed
and we are left mewling, blind,
with bodies quickened by death,
will you know me brother?

I would omit the repeat of that moment, and begin with L2, Absolutely wonderful, just wonderful meaning and intent here, loved the use of mewling and L4, 'bodies qickened by death,' raw depth and profound follow through with L5 ... 'Will you know me brother? ...

The repetition is done purposely.

...and when
a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,
will you know me then?



Will our star be set?

This is another poweful stanza. only a mild suggestion to weed out the repetition of stone,

As a rhetorical device the repetition is used to strengthen the image.

between a stone risen and its fallen,
will you know me then? ...

II

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.

This is also very powerful. Short, yet poignant in the depth and idea of times of Adam and Eve, and L4, 'squirmed upon the Earth' Echoing applause...

III

My hand
once held a stone
that was harder than hate,
its ragged edge was knapped to rip
your flesh.

L3, perhaps 'much harder than hate,

No other nits here, again ... I really don't want to sound repetitious in my applause, but this is riveting and powerfully though provoking. I loved the use of knapped ... excellent.

Here I play punning on form. Cain's sin in a cinquain format.

Anger,
scalded my lips.
I sang you songs of death.
Yet now, I kneel down beside you
to taste

the wounds
that are your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, to use no stone.
I sound

I wasn't too sure of ' that are your head' hmmmm, sounds like a mistype... perhaps I've placed on your head, or perhaps ... on your head, or perhaps ...

The head is nothing but wound, the frenzied attack where the killer cannot stop.

the wounds
upon your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, use no stone.
I sound...

my heart
and I wonder
why we shared a mother?
When you were not at all like me,
brother.

Perhaps ...

my heart
and wonder why
we shared a mother?
You were not at all like me,
brother.


IV

...and at the edge of the field
God appeared suddenly to Cain

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
Yours is always the first of all.
As you see, I still try.
Although this smoke is acrid to the eye and lung
its smell is sweet.

I would stanza break at 'Although this smoke is acrid...and perhaps a line break after acrid, bringing down to the eye and lung with added comma at lung

The line breaks all follow delivery.

Example:

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
Yours is always the first of all.
As you see, I still try.

Although this smoke is acrid
to the eye and lung,
its smell is sweet

I am not able to offer you anything
better than my brother
but unfortunately,’ smiled Cain
‘I am not my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’

No words can relate how powerful and dramatic this stanza becomes... especially as Cain, makes that common notation ... ' I am not my brother's keeper' ... giving it much more worth than ever realized.

V

God and the Serpent have gone.

There is no green
and no-one able to express
the desolation.

Eve’s shawl
is a desiccated and sinuous skin
that drifts slowly around the tree bones,
each scale a pale echo
blind and graceful.

Below,
the red earth is burdened
by fertile seed.

I cannot begin to find the words that express how this ending has left me sitting in awe, the completion of the poem is magnificent... these final words are ever so ... I am speechless to this poem!

Jax ... I pray this is not published or unavailable for IBPC ... I would so like to nominate it ... don't say no ... oh please don't... This is a sure fire winner ...

Sorry Liz, this has a destination already plotted for it but please accept my heartfelt thanks for the nomination


Hugs, Liz

Thank you once again for giving me your indepth commentary it helps me greatly.

Kind regards,

Jax

[JaxMyth]

Dear Jax, I can't offer you much in crit, mate. I think it's great.

I noticed the allusion to A.D.Hope's poem, which I also admire. Your follow-up is apt and unmistakable:

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.

Let me digest the whole poem a bit.

Many thanks Kathy,

Regards,

Jax

[JaxMyth]

Hello JM,

I should spend more time in this forum, but lately have been back in IP mode. My transition into FV is taking time, but I have that. No rush. I've read reams, both verse and essays, in order to become more familiar with this style.

I like your posting in the overall - good structure, good linebreaks, and all things I find important. There is one thing I'll not understand - and here I don't single you out, rather include you - and that is the fact that so many will break a verse (ie - paragraph) in mid-sentence. This is a thing that I lack the ability to understand... why? Your example in IV >>>

‘I am not my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’
is a prime example - I fail in the logic of this break.

Then again, perhaps it's not important.

Enjoyed the posting.

Merlin

Thanks Merlin,

Line breaks are always important, if anything they are the raison d'etre of FV.

The break where I have placed it is a rhetorical one defining the marked difference in attitude that that each line shows.

ËśI am not my brother's keeper"

A direct statement in response to God before Cain the 'smart arse' takes over. In sacrifice the smoke rises to the heavens.

"or I would send him up to you."

I do not think that Cain understood the divine aspects of omnipresence and omniscience. Here the body of Abel is being burned within the fruits of the field and Cain thinks that he is clever getting up God's nose as it were.

By me breaking it here It is not only an aid to reading but just as importantly the break, I hope, gives pause for the mind to take in the the smart-arse element.

Breaks define the flow of sound and meaning.

From Paul Fussell's Poetic Meter & Poetic Form.

"...free verse without subtle dynamics has become the received, standard contemporary style, as John Hollander notices:ËśAt the present time in the United States, there is a widespread, received free-verse style marked by a narrow (25-30 em) format, strong use of line-ending as a syntactical marker, etc., which plays out the same role in the ascent to paradise as the received Longfellow style did a century ago. Or, we can add, as the received mechanical heroic-couplet style two centuries ago. But the principle of excellence in each of these styles is the same, and it can be perceived and enjoyed by anyone who will take a little time. The principle is that every technical gesture in a poem must justify itself in meaning. Which is to say that the free-verse writer can proclaim, with Ammons, that he is Ëśreleased from forms, but he'd better not be. In free verse the abandonment of capital letters and punctuation must say something consonant with what the predications in the poem are saying. The sudden shortening of a line must say something. The degree of line-integrity or enjambment must refract the rhetorical status of the poem's address. And any momentary deviation into meter must validate itself, must appear not a lapse but a significant bold stroke. For the reader to attend to things like these may be harder than for him to respond to, say, a skillfully reversed foot in a metered line. But he must learn to attend to them if he is to take a pleasure less doctrinal than artistic in the poetry of his own time."

Not that I am a follower of the schools of thought espoused by the general run of MFA programs in America.

There are many who line break arbitrarily, to me all devices must have a rationale.

Regards, and thanks,

Jax

[Merlin]

Thank you, Jax, for the informative reply.

We are close to the same wavelength regarding rationale, and probably other things. I'm still picking up bits of wisdom in this area. I'll add your paragraph - I'm not sure I have it but it follows along my lines of thought.

I'll keep watching and trying.

Merlin

[JaxMyth]

Thank you, Jax, for the informative reply.

We are close to the same wavelength regarding rationale, and probably other things. I'm still picking up bits of wisdom in this area. I'll add your paragraph - I'm not sure I have it but it follows along my lines of thought.

I'll keep watching and trying.

Merlin

Merlin,

I look forward to the day the you put your toe in the water *smile*

Regards,

Jax

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Jax, I've saved the para from Paul Fussell's Poetic Meter & Poetic Form. I also learned a lot from your comments in respose to others' questions. Thank you very much.

Would you consider opening a new thread in Education re Free Form?

Best wishes,

K

[Psyche]

Hullo Jax,
Here I am, checking you out...and like Brenda, I don't feel competent enough to comment straight away. Will need to read it -as well as your answers- before daring to give opinions. Even tho' I happen to have a degree in Philosophy!
I did read your explanation about the title, and enjoy the play on the French 'Droit de Seigneur', which meant that the feudal lord had the right to deflower the bride, before the husband! Wow....! The newlywed bride was often whisked away on a horse, and sometimes was returned in a heartbreaking condition...

I

In that moment
when we meet chest to chest,
when we grapple together in twilight
with voices thickened by sap,

that moment
before the cords are severed
and we are left mewling, blind,
with bodies quickened by death,
will you know me brother?

...and when
a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,
will you know me then?

Will our star be set?


II

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.


III

My hand
once held a stone
that was harder than hate,
its ragged edge was knapped to rip
your flesh.

Anger,
scalded my lips.
I sang you songs of death.
Yet now, I kneel down beside you
to taste

the wounds
that are your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, to use no stone.
I sound

my heart
and I wonder
why we shared a mother?
When you were not at all like me,
brother.


IV

...and at the edge of the field
God appeared suddenly to Cain

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
Yours is always the first of all.
As you see, I still try.
Although this smoke is acrid to the eye and lung
its smell is sweet.

I am not able to offer you anything
better than my brother
but unfortunately,’ smiled Cain
‘I am not my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’


V

God and the Serpent have gone.

There is no green
and no-one able to express
the desolation.

To think there is real, actual desolation in this region now. The Iraq war has taken care of that. Between the Euphrates and the Tigris rampant death is a daily concern. I don't suppose your poem relates to that in any way? Remember that I haven't read all the explanations..

Eve’s shawl
is a desiccated and sinuous skin
that drifts slowly around the tree bones,
each scale a pale echo
blind and graceful.

Below,
the red earth is burdened
by fertile seed.

It's also a seldom mentioned fact that there had to be divine incest to get the human race started... A kind of family affaire. It's no wonder we're in such a mess, having started off on several 'wrong feet'!

As I said, I can only bow before your intriguing, deftly written poetry.
Cheers,
Syl

[JaxMyth]

Hullo Jax,
Here I am, checking you out...and like Brenda, I don't feel competent enough to comment straight away. Will need to read it -as well as your answers- before daring to give opinions. Even tho' I happen to have a degree in Philosophy!
I did read your explanation about the title, and enjoy the play on the French 'Droit de Seigneur', which meant that the feudal lord had the right to deflower the bride, before the husband! Wow....! The newlywed bride was often whisked away on a horse, and sometimes was returned in a heartbreaking condition...

Some sources have the jus primae noctis as apocryphal but it is not an isolated feudal aberration. Defloration by the King, elders, a mother, a stranger, a slave all have their currency somewhere in the world.

I

In that moment
when we meet chest to chest,
when we grapple together in twilight
with voices thickened by sap,

that moment
before the cords are severed
and we are left mewling, blind,
with bodies quickened by death,
will you know me brother?

...and when
a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,
will you know me then?

Will our star be set?


II

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.


III

My hand
once held a stone
that was harder than hate,
its ragged edge was knapped to rip
your flesh.

Anger,
scalded my lips.
I sang you songs of death.
Yet now, I kneel down beside you
to taste

the wounds
that are your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, to use no stone.
I sound

my heart
and I wonder
why we shared a mother?
When you were not at all like me,
brother.


IV

...and at the edge of the field
God appeared suddenly to Cain

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
Yours is always the first of all.
As you see, I still try.
Although this smoke is acrid to the eye and lung
its smell is sweet.

I am not able to offer you anything
better than my brother
but unfortunately,’ smiled Cain
‘I am not my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’


V

God and the Serpent have gone.

There is no green
and no-one able to express
the desolation.


To think there is real, actual desolation in this region now. The Iraq war has taken care of that. Between the Euphrates and the Tigris rampant death is a daily concern. I don't suppose your poem relates to that in any way? Remember that I haven't read all the explanations..

Not specifically but there are unfortunately universal truths. I have another poem that references that area more specifically. Not quite Ur of the Chaldees but here is the excerpt in particular:

"At each rough nuzzle the Myrrh tree trembles;
tusks thud and shudder into her bark;
her wounds have no time to weep; she splits
and the wild god screams his birth.

A host erupts from the salient;
hungry for high ground, the straw men take point
and charge with green branches waving like an ocean.
In their compass there is little that is real;
rivers made sane will never run red."


Eve’s shawl
is a desiccated and sinuous skin
that drifts slowly around the tree bones,
each scale a pale echo
blind and graceful.

Below,
the red earth is burdened
by fertile seed.

It's also a seldom mentioned fact that there had to be divine incest to get the human race started... A kind of family affaire. It's no wonder we're in such a mess, having started off on several 'wrong feet'!

The Old Testament is a rich ground for such, Samson was a thug and whoremonger of statuesque proportion who was more fitted to pulling a bordello down. *smile*

As I said, I can only bow before your intriguing, deftly written poetry.

Many thanks Sylvia,

I look forward to your comments.

Regards,

Jax

Cheers,
Syl

[Judi]

I

In that moment
when we meet chest to chest,
when we grapple together in twilight
with voices thickened by sap,

that moment
before the cords are severed
and we are left mewling, blind,
with bodies quickened by death,
will you know me brother?

...and when
a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,
will you know me then?

Will our star be set?


II

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.


III

My hand
once held a stone
that was harder than hate,
its ragged edge was knapped to rip
your flesh.

Anger,
scalded my lips.
I sang you songs of death.
Yet now, I kneel down beside you
to taste

the wounds
that are your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, to use no stone.
I sound

my heart
and I wonder
why we shared a mother?
When you were not at all like me,
brother.


IV

...and at the edge of the field
God appeared suddenly to Cain

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
Yours is always the first of all.
As you see, I still try.
Although this smoke is acrid to the eye and lung
its smell is sweet.

I am not able to offer you anything
better than my brother
but unfortunately,’ smiled Cain
‘I am not my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’


V

God and the Serpent have gone.

There is no green
and no-one able to express
the desolation.

Eve’s shawl
is a desiccated and sinuous skin
that drifts slowly around the tree bones,
each scale a pale echo
blind and graceful.

Below,
the red earth is burdened
by fertile seed.

Jax, I find this particularly interesting because we are studying Genesis at my church lately..everyone is so interested in it, that we decided to extend our normal bible study through the summer months instead of stopping as we normally do. You have done such a marvelous job...I have no nits...you must write and rewrite many times before you post. I must start doing that. Sometimes I write something and check it over a few times and post it to let others do a final crit for me...but I should take my more time. I will make that one of my resolutions for this year. I congratulate you for your nomination for the IBPC..
Judi

[JaxMyth]

I

In that moment
when we meet chest to chest,
when we grapple together in twilight
with voices thickened by sap,

that moment
before the cords are severed
and we are left mewling, blind,
with bodies quickened by death,
will you know me brother?

...and when
a stone holds no weight,
in that breath
between a stone risen
and a stone fallen,
will you know me then?

Will our star be set?


II

....and after Cain, Eve
continued to give birth
until the first victim
squirmed upon the Earth.


III

My hand
once held a stone
that was harder than hate,
its ragged edge was knapped to rip
your flesh.

Anger,
scalded my lips.
I sang you songs of death.
Yet now, I kneel down beside you
to taste

the wounds
that are your head,
to give my heat to you,
to sing no hate, to use no stone.
I sound

my heart
and I wonder
why we shared a mother?
When you were not at all like me,
brother.


IV

...and at the edge of the field
God appeared suddenly to Cain

‘Lord.’ said Cain
‘Let me take breath.
Yours is always the first of all.
As you see, I still try.
Although this smoke is acrid to the eye and lung
its smell is sweet.

I am not able to offer you anything
better than my brother
but unfortunately,’ smiled Cain
‘I am not my brother’s keeper

or I would send him up to you.’


V

God and the Serpent have gone.

There is no green
and no-one able to express
the desolation.

Eve’s shawl
is a desiccated and sinuous skin
that drifts slowly around the tree bones,
each scale a pale echo
blind and graceful.

Below,
the red earth is burdened
by fertile seed.

Jax, I find this particularly interesting because we are studying Genesis at my church lately..everyone is so interested in it, that we decided to extend our normal bible study through the summer months instead of stopping as we normally do. You have done such a marvelous job...I have no nits...you must write and rewrite many times before you post. I must start doing that. Sometimes I write something and check it over a few times and post it to let others do a final crit for me...but I should take my more time. I will make that one of my resolutions for this year. I congratulate you for your nomination for the IBPC..
Judi

Thank you Judi,

Yes I write and re-write constantly.

Genesis is fascinating, to my mind more for what is left out than for what is in it. I am currently revising a piece on Lamech.

Take the time Judi. Poetry is a sullen craft indeed but it does respond to inordinate pains.

My thanks and regards,

Jax