Water Wise - 3rd "final" edit, w/thanks, Wizard Award ~ Petrarchan Sonnet Options

[Mary Boren]

. .


WATER WISE

An eagle shrieks. A pair of fledgelings flee
the bluff. It crumbles with a crashing force,
careening down the hill without remorse
or mercy. Racing boulders and debris
arrest the river's rush. Transcendently,
as if awaiting orders from its source,
the water halts, then takes an altered course,
regaining its momentum, snaking free.

Lord, help me take a lesson from the flow
and ebb of patient waterways. Instead
of flailing in frustration on the bank
of interrupted progress, let me grow
in wisdom born of setbacks, gently led
and honed by hardship, having You to thank.


------------------------------
Lines Changed in Final Final Final Version
------------------------------

the water waits -- connected to its source --
as if deciding on an altered course;

------------------------------
Lines Changed in Final Revision:
------------------------------

the bluff. It's cratering with inner force,
careening down the hill without remorse
or mercy, crashing boulders and debris

----------------
Previous Version
----------------

An eagle shrieks. Two startled fledgelings flee
the bluff. It's crumbling with apparent force,
careening down the hillside. Sans remorse
or mercy, crashing boulders and debris
bisect the river. Transcendentally,
the water waits -- connected to its source --
as if deciding on an altered course;
regathering momentum, snaking free.

Lord, help me take a lesson from the flow
and ebb of patient waterways. Instead
of flailing in frustration on the bank
of interrupted progress, let me grow
in wisdom born of setbacks, gently bred
and honed by hardship, having You to thank.

--------------------
1st Rewritten Octave
--------------------

An eagle shrieks. Its startled nestlings flee
the bluff that's giving way with sudden force.
Careening down the hillside, sans remorse
or mercy, crashing boulders and debris
bisect the river horizontally.
The water waits, connected to its source,
as if deciding on an altered course,
regathering momentum; breaking free.


-------------------
1st Revised Octave
-------------------

What makes a river reconsider? Mired
in unexpected obstacles by laws
of nature, rushing water stalls; a pause
to calculate the energy required
for pressing through. Renewed, refreshed, inspired
by seeming inactivity, it draws
upon an inner well of strength because
it can while new direction is acquired.

---------------
Original Version
---------------

L8:
it can. And so can anyone who's tired.

L13:
in wisdom born of setbacks, finely bred

[laryalee]

Hiya Mary!
I enjoyed reading this again -- your wisdom,
and your metrical flow of thoughts!
And I can find no fault in that flow (naturally!)...

A couple of small thoughts on content...
"And so can anyone who's tired."
In a way, I feel this is preaching?
(And I don't think you intend this.)
But perhaps I'm just being too sensitive!

My other thought is "finely bred"...
I think of breeding as an inherited trait
and therefore not really subject to (or affected by) the
lessons of the river. But maybe I'm reading
it wrong?

It's truly a wonderful poem!


Lary

[AMETHYST]

Hi Mary,

Just wanted to let you know I was here, read through this amazing poem several times and will return in the morning (or possibly later tonight) with some comments. I just had to let you know how profound and meaningful I felt the message came through.

A very powerful Sonnet.


Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Mary, I'm in the middle of a series of night shifts which imparts a strange reality. So I'm avoiding crit for a few days, but will of course be back when the world slots back into more conventional parameters.

The river is personified, one might say it's anthropomorphosed;the entire octet beginning'what makes a river reconsider?' I'm not sure I like it much. I'd rather see the river itself, flowing around obstacles, gathering and so on; a metaphor. Let the reader draw meaning rather than having a commentary of telling, like a sermon. Let the second part do the preaching. It seems appropriate there.

Hugs, K

[Eisa]

Hi Mary

I love the profound message of this one and feel you have chosen an interesting metaphor.

I'm trying to avoid revisiting my own sonnets because I would like to break that mold, but Kathy's Wellstream brought this one to mind. Heavy crit, please.

WATER WISE

What makes a river reconsider? Mired
in unexpected obstacles by laws
of nature, rushing water stalls; a pause
to calculate the energy required
for pressing through. Renewed, refreshed, inspired
by seeming inactivity, it draws
upon an inner well of strength because
it can. And so can anyone who's tired.

I like the ideas here, but find this stanza a bit telly. I'm wondering if the question is a bit unnecessary and perhaps it would be better to plunge straight into the flowing river. I like the idea of the inner well of strength.

I do feel you could 'show' a lot more in parts, to bring this to life, perhaps mention what the obstacles are.

Renewed, refreshed, inspired are wonderful words ... but to me all have similar meanings becoming reduntant. I feel the space could be used to greater advantage.

Your last line 'shows' very little and as mentioned is rather preachy.

Lord, help me take a lesson from the flow
and ebb of patient waterways. Instead
of flailing in frustration on the bank
of interrupted progress, let me grow
in wisdom born of setbacks, finely bred
and honed by hardship, having You to thank.

I like this stanza best -- in fact very much, especially

the ebb and flow of patient waterways
flailing in frustration
honed by hardship

I look forward to any revisions you do Mary as this is a very powerful poem.

Snow

[Mary Boren]

Thanks much, Lary, Liz, Kathy, Snow. You're right, of course, about the octave. Meanwhile, I've plugged a couple of leaks. Lary, I briefly considered led for L13, but I'm thinking wisdom is born and bred. Maybe I'm the one reading it wrong. Kathy, Liz, with any luck I'll be back with a rewrite before you have to spend any time critiquing. :) Thanks again, all, for showing me the direction it needs to take.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Mary,

I am going to use the revised draft to offer my thoughts. First I wanted to comment on the title. With a very, almost humorous intent, the title is like a cherry on the cake. I couldn't have imagined what I might find inside a thread titled 'Water Wise" and I liked that only after reading the poem and seeing how its links to the subject and meaning, does it actually take on a life of its own.

Much has been said about the Octet already, so the only thing I will say is to a point I agree. I began reading it and immediately was put into the fluttering thoughts of the narrator, and got this feeling of sitting back, watching the river run, contemplating the thoughts, like the waters rushing and turning and changing, and so begins the narrators connection between the river existence and his/her own.
I will certainly agree with Snow, L5, renewed/refreshed/ is redundant and the opening up of some feet can give you more walking room to set up those obstacles. Another thought is to include more of our senses... a sound whooshing or the feel of spray as the river water crashes against the rocks (where the view is clearest) Not that these are any good or that they fit, just opening up a painting board and giving some thoughts that might lead to something better.

I am going to return with some in stanza thoughts that I am working on offline. I am off to work and hopefully will have a "Q" night and be ablt to get in some critique for some catch up.

Hugs, Liz ...

WATER WISE

What makes a river reconsider? Mired
in unexpected obstacles by laws
of nature, rushing water stalls; a pause
to calculate the energy required
for pressing through. Renewed, refreshed, inspired
by seeming inactivity, it draws
upon an inner well of strength because
it can while new direction is acquired.

Lord, help me take a lesson from the flow
and ebb of patient waterways. Instead
of flailing in frustration on the bank
of interrupted progress, let me grow
in wisdom born of setbacks, gently bred
and honed by hardship, having You to thank.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nada Lott,

The following two lines are pasted for discussion:

for pressing through. Renewed, refreshed, inspired
by seeming inactivity, it draws

I like the Renewed, refreshed, inspired because it adds rapid movement. The words are part of the same stream because they are similar, but each imparts its own aspect. It is a clever mix of alliteration and three sounds rolling off tongue. The last word gives a slight whip snap upbeat.

I envision these three words packed closely like large stones in a rapids. The following line should speak of action rather than inaction. Transportation through agitated waters is invigorating. It snaps our emotional canvas with trade winds which pull us out of equatorial doldrums.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Mary,

I found this to be a lovely piece! The metaphor is unique in its connection to a person and the lessons we can learn from it. Most enjoyable!

A few thoughts follow... use or lose as you see fit~

Cathy

What makes a river reconsider? Mired
in unexpected obstacles by laws
of nature, rushing water stalls; a pause
to calculate the energy required
for pressing through. Renewed, refreshed, inspired
by seeming inactivity, it draws
upon an inner well of strength because
it can while new direction is acquired.

Interesting first line! I never thought of a river stopping to think but if you think of us as the river... well, it all comes together doesn't it? *smiles* Instead of 'seeming inactivity' what about 'calming inactivity'? After all the bumps and turns and rapids that life brings us we need that calming moment to regroup... giving one time to think and plan... where do I go from here? How do I go about it? That sort of thing. Should there be a comma after 'can' in the last line?

Lord, help me take a lesson from the flow
and ebb of patient waterways. Instead
of flailing in frustration on the bank
of interrupted progress, let me grow
in wisdom born of setbacks, gently bred
and honed by hardship, having You to thank.

I see the last verse as a prayer to help us through a bad time and asking for the wisdom to learn from our experiences and mistakes so it might be a bit easier the next time... and there's always a next time!

[Mary Boren]

Hi Don. Pleased to meet you. Thanks for reading and commenting on this. Thanks, too, for the affirmation on renewed, refreshed, inspired. I haven't decided yet whether to give them up in the revision. I tend to go overboard with this sort of thing, but I like it too.

I envision these three words packed closely like large stones in a rapids. The following line should speak of action rather than inaction. Transportation through agitated waters is invigorating. It snaps our emotional canvas with trade winds which pull us out of equatorial doldrums.

Yes sir, you got that right. In fact, ha!, I can attest to the need for action, as we swamped our canoe in the rapids today. You never saw two old people move that fast, I'll bet -- grabbing for the puppy, grabbing for the paddles, and trying to keep from breaking our fool necks in the process. Bruised but not broken, thank goodness.

I hope you'll come back and give me your thoughts again a little further down the line.

[Mary Boren]

Hi Cathy.

Thanks for liking this, and for getting it. I appreciate your suggestions for the octave. However, I'll probably be rewriting it altogether. Well, not probably, but possibly. Maybe. Will let it soak another overnight.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nada Lott,

Canoes and small sailboats often push a crew into swimming.
I may know you from a website of your own and as a guest long ago at PK.
The name Mary Sullivan has an excellent reputation among better web surfing poets.
Thanks for the invitation to return. I intent to return to learn, if nothing else.

I do agree with others that the waterway be a metaphor.

:) Don

[Mary Boren]

Hi again, Don, and thanks again for the kind words. Yes, I'm the same Mary Sullivan, but (re: reputation) I suspect you just haven't encountered the many who have tried and failed to cure me of meter freakery. :)

I'll be looking forward to further comments from you and others on the revision.

Mary

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nada,

Well some vibrations come across radio waves besides electromagnetic. When you were a guest at PK, I closely scanned one of yours hoping that you might straighten my kinks. You came back like a ball of fire saying you had never had anyone scan your poetry that closely. I probably should have explained my novice status and eagerness to gain from an expert, but I put tail between hind legs and never did it again.

Being such a minor incident, you are not likely to remember me using the same aka, Don. Also, a quirk of the famous and unknown.

See ya later

Don

[Merlin]

Hi Mary,
Here's a load of crit from one who doesn't give much crit – for what it's worth.

First half of L1 is great. Second half gives thought to reality… if they're still nestlings, they're not gonna flee (can't fly yet), and if they're able to fly, they're not really nestlings any more. Hmmm.

While it's not always possible, I try to keep away from end-stopping after L2, which in your case would be a real nice enjambo.
An eagle shrieks. Its startled nestlings flee
the bluff that's giving way with sudden force,
careening down the hillside. Sans remorse

Now, recalling science classes - if you bisect the river horizontally, both top and bottom half should continue flowing, just not together. If you bisect it vertically, you've done dammed it! I'm not certain I like seeing it wait - it's actually being reinforced from the rearguard - since waiting appears a very docile situation.

There tis on the octet.

Merlin

[Eisa]

Mary -- I love the direction that you've taken the octet ... now it's full of life and I feel the movement. I think, like Merlin, it should be fledglings flee as nestlings would be too young. I'll back to this again when I have more time, but your revision has a thumbs up from me.

Snow

[Mary Boren]

Thanks, Merlin, for stepping out of your critless mode, and Snow, for the validation. Fledglings, of course , that's what I meant. (That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.) I've posted another revision, with your good suggestions in mind.

Merlin:

I try to keep away from end-stopping after L2

Interesting. Why? I try to mix it up a bit. Didn't opt for the obvious enjambment at L2's end earlier because of grammatical concerns with careening referring to the rocks. But your comments opened up a way for me to see it differently -- thanks. I wanted short, breathless sentences in setting the scene. Don't know if that works or not.

Now, recalling science classes - if you bisect the river horizontally, both top and bottom half should continue flowing, just not together. If you bisect it vertically, you've done dammed it!

Ha! I guess it depends on your perspective. I'm no scientist, but seems to me if it's cut across, it's done dammed, dammit. Moot point (see rev.) but fun to contemplate.

Yeah, the river only appears to wait (surface calm), but I think I've addressed that in L8. No?

Liz, I meant to tell you that your painting board was very helpful to me in the revision process, and Kathy, I especially appreciate your holding my feet to the fire on metaphor vs. personification. I like this approach much better, and it feels good to be bouncing off fellow poets again.

Don, I wish you had hung around at PK -- I don't remember snapping at you but please accept my five-years-late apology. Your profile doesn't reveal much, but I enjoyed reading your double dactyls.

Again, many thanks to all who have helped with this.

Mary

[Mary Boren]

Oops, double posted by mistake -- would someone remove the evidence, please?

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nada,

Don, I wish you had hung around at PK -- I don't remember snapping at you but please accept my five-years-late apology. Your profile doesn't reveal much, but I enjoyed reading your double dactyls.

I must apologize to you for not mentioning that an apology from you is most certainly not necessary. Some really nasty persons prowl the net. You most certainly are exempt from their ilk.

I did find a home at PK for a while. I also toyed with other places such as your site, and was tied up learning from a Swedish teacher, Spanish lady, and a Dutch gentleman.
When MM broke away from PK, I followed to grow with a smaller group.

My profile doesn't say much because their isn't much to reveal. I commenced poetry late in life. About two years before being retired, and about when we began collecting social security in addtion to salary. I'm too lazy to support a personal webpage. Takes more time than the law should allow.

Thanks for liking my double-dactyls todate. I like terse wording. Let the dictionary explain.

Don

[Guest_Kathy_*]

I opened this in a bit of a daze then -blinked- ACTION! LIGHTS! CAMERA!

Wow Mary, you certainly changed it!

Transcendentally... it always pleases me to bubble on over a multisyllabic-but-iambically-yummy word. But I have to think about the way this word changes perspective. Transcendentally, the river waits --- connected to its source--- Transcendentally? So you are showing the poet/observer's perspective in interpreting the river... transcendentally. A visionary, metaphysical, unrealisable connection ....??

I love the pace of your rewrite, congruent to the content, and then the slowed metre when we reach the river. But especially, I like the last two lines:

as if deciding on an altered course;
regathering momentum, snaking free.

I'n not sure why. It just flows the way a river might; I seem to see it.

You've improved it a lot, Mary. For me, anyway.

'apparent' fits nicely metre-wise, but I think the force is apparent enough without you mentioning it.
Something more emotional would do it.

'it's' Makes me hesitate every time. That's correct though. It is abbreviated = it's.

There's still a hint of personification ('sans remorse', and 'the river waits' ) but you quality that with 'as if deciding on an altered course.' So the personifying factor is much diminished. I might not even notice it if I hadn't seen the first draft.

Let me think about it.

WATER WISE

An eagle shrieks. Two startled fledgelings flee
the bluff. It's crumbling with apparent force,
careening down the hillside. Sans remorse
or mercy, crashing boulders and debris
bisect the river. Transcendentally,
the water waits -- connected to its source --
as if deciding on an altered course;
regathering momentum, snaking free.

Lord, help me take a lesson from the flow
and ebb of patient waterways. Instead
of flailing in frustration on the bank
of interrupted progress, let me grow
in wisdom born of setbacks, gently bred
and honed by hardship, having You to thank.