Senryu, Japanese form: 5-7-5 or less Options

[JustDaniel]

Senryu is a short form of poetry identical in construction to haiku: (three lines with 17 or fewer syllables with a cut after the first or second line forming two related snapshots of an experience of reality), but is generally about human foibles, while haiku references nature. Senryu need not include a kigo, or season word, like haiku (though it seems that much of modern English haiku tends toward senryu; that is, unlike traditional Japanese haiku, it may not necessarily adhere to the 5-7-5 syllable form which may be suitable in Japanese, but which tends to produce long or stilted language in English). A simple rule seems to be, Take a deep breath and read all three lines... cut and all.

I'll offer a couple of examples of my own, however inadequate. Perhaps someone with greater stature would like to add greater insight to this thread.

How I love thee
with breadth, length, depth and height…
but who counts the days?

© MLee Dickens'son 11 Oct 2004


feeling seventeen
your heart pounds out senryu;
you just can’t beat it

© MLee Dickens'son 14 Feb 2004

By the way, I understand that they're often with a bit of humor, so I don't think I'm desecrating the form if I wink a bit.

sharin' a bit o' de Light, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,    

Thank you for kicking this off and explaining the basic concept of senryu.

How I love thee
with breadth, length, depth and height…
but who counts the days?

Ah! The lovely Christina Rosetti!.

Here is one I have had published.

newsprint to footprint
banner headlines recycled,
bag lady moves on

Following in your footprints Daniel.  

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Ah, I love your piece, Grace.  Footprints indeed!  So now you're going to have to educate me regarding one Christina Rosetti?  I must plead ignorance, I'm afraid!

clawprints spread out 'neath
aged, unread, dimming eyes;
reflection on dusk

dim in de Light, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

I thought you were paraphrasing Christina Rosetti's "How do I love thee?"

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

One of my favourite romantic poems  

Next up  

my visitor gone;
I find a few grapes  
in the bottom of the bag

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

No wonder I was confused, Grace.  You have quoted Elizabeth Barrett Browning... and my piece DID allude to that very sonnet of hers.  I still have yet to read your Christina Rosetti.  Once you uncross your wires, you'll still have to educate me.  I've not read much of EBB yet either, but I hope to in time.  May as well add CR to what I need to read!

Here's my follow-up katauta to yours [ See Cleo's Tile re Mondo et al. ]

who'd have de-vined it?
my hungry guest stripped me
of all my grape juice

squeezing myself Lightly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Thank you Daniel,  

Have been to Cleo's tile and educated myself a little more.  

wearing white tutus
gray thistles dance
a welcome to winter

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Should we put ours together in a Mondo in Cleo's tile, Grace?

wearing stretch tutus
greying dancers shuffle;
time for canasta

... and you still must educate me on Ms Rosetti!  I have a former counselee who was a Rosetti... and a man with gangster connections who once threatened my life (who's now deat) who was a Rosetti... and a sister-in-law who was a Rosetti.  None of them ever wrote poetry to my knowledge.

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

Well I have read up on Mondo/Katauta and the formula would seem to be

a question 5-7-7(onji or syllables)= one katauta
followed by and answer 5-7-7 (Onji or syllables)= another katauta

the whole being a Mondo.



If so I must adjust my last piece to read

wearing white tutus
are the gray thistles dancing
to welcome winter?

If I have that right Daniel, it's over to you. I wait with baited breath.

As for the Rosettis - a very interesting family, far too much info to relate here so have added a link for you.

http://44.1911encyclopedia.org/R/RO/ROSSET...NA_GEORGINA.htm



Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

wearing white tutus
are the gray thistles dancing
to welcome winter?

I think those thistles
are really hairy goosebumps;
they need wooly underwear

P.S.

why are we posting
in this new senryu tile?
don't katauta want Mondo?

[ You can copy and paste this in Mondo/Sedoka, if you like-- with your response, of course... and we can continue bantering there!   ]

Meanwhile, back to senryu:

some reason o’er rhyme;
there's neither rhyme nor reason
why some endures time

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

some reason o’er rhyme;
there's neither rhyme nor reason
why some endures time

Very clever piece and very true!

On a more serious note:

her exploring hand
encounters a  pea-sized lump;
new born infant wakes

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

what a pregnant piece!  I could mean MANY things!

fingers unfurl fire
stored up in solitary,
igniting passion

Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Aah! Daniel,  

what a pregnant piece!  I could mean MANY things!

her exploring hand
encounters a  pea-sized lump;
new born infant wakes


'Twas more serious than that.  The lady who had just given birth was discovering a cancerous lump in her breast.  Sounds morbid?? Unfortunately it happens far too often.

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

I hope my response wasn't too insensitive, my good friend.  I thought that was exactly what it was...

but your language lends itself to several very different directions. I really meant that as a compliment.  It's a rememkable little gem you've written.

... and I meant 'pregnant' in the 'huge idea' sense as well as my insufferable word-play.

sLightly embarrassed, Daniel  :blush21:

when he's serious
no one seems to believe him;
his eyes still sparkle

[Cybele]

Good Morning Daniel,

Oh! No, I wasn't at all upset by your words my friend, I just thought that I had missed getting across the true interpretation of the piece; I thought I hadn't explained it enough.  

I think a woman reader would have understood straight away - I'm sorry, I didn't consider that it wouldn't immediately be clear to a man.

Nothing to forgive my friend.

This has happened to a few friends of mine and it is so hard to understand the devastating effect it would have on the mother of a young child.


Love

Grace

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

when he's serious
no one seems to believe him;
his eyes still sparkle

Love this piece. Just keep those eyes sparkling. The best cure for all ills is laughter

Love

Grace
[b]

[JustDaniel]

I'm pleased that I had not offended, Grace... and again, I DID understand your meaning on the second read or so... before I responded... but again, your excellent piece is worthy of many reads, with many interpretations.  It's a remarkable poem.

... and wow, I am pleased that you like my little sparklin' bauble too!

a moistened eye
above a glistening cheek;
await their meaning

sLightly sparkled, blushing, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,  

I seem to be pre-occupied with dogs at present. Don't they make great hot water bottles?

canine companion;
comforting her ancient bones
all alone today

Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

touching piece, Grace!

Would you bite me if I suggested swithching (not with a willow!) the first and third lines?

go cut a long willow wisp...
be sure it's long and sturdy;
prep for punishment

sLightly shivering at the memory, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,  

touching piece, Grace!

Would you bite me if I suggested swithching (not with a willow! the first and third lines?

Great idea. It's a done deal Daniel!

go cut a long willow wisp...
be sure it's long and sturdy;
prep for punishment

Ouch! Don't forget the book down the trousers!!

Might I suggest to avoid repetition

go cut a fresh willow wisp...
be sure it's long and sturdy;
prep for punishment



Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

I've now booked my trip
to my woodshed discipline;
glad you saved my seat

Lightly, Daniel  :sun: