Senryu, Japanese form: 5-7-5 or less Options

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

Still can't read that pale blue. Could you try another colour next time?


my wife's body talc
on the back of my trousers;
lost job interview


Swift and witty Daniel.  

This just happened as I look out of the window while listening to the radio.



the morning starts
pink clouds, black birds, fine morning;
another train crash


Off out again now, back later.


Love

Grace

[JustDaniel]

the mo[u]rning starts[;]
pink clouds, black birds, fine morning[...]
another train crash

Very sad, Grace... that's why I listen to a light, uplifting local morning broadcast as I'm readying for work... where I oughta be headin' now!

ignoring my work,
it's about to arrest me;
I'd better catch up

© Daniel J Ricketts 03 Dec 2004

Headin' to the showers.  Catch ya tomorrow, maybe!

 Daniel  

[JustDaniel]

wherever my face...

appears I'm dammed if I do

and damned if I don't

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Yes, I was tempted to put that 'u' in morning, but it would have pre-empted the shock of the last line.

ignoring my work,
it's about to arrest me;
I'd better catch up

Smug, smug ~ I am glad I no longer have that problem Daniel (age has to have some compensations ~ apart from free prescriptions for medicine ! )



wherever my face...
appears I'm dammed if I do
and damned if I don't

Explanation needed here Daniel, I have my stupid head on this morning.

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

This is a revision. I originally posted it with too many syllable on the first line and have only just noticed it.



                darting dragonfly
               a blue speck on the rushes-
               twinkle in God’s eye

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, dragonfly!

It's always refreshing to exchange with you, Grace. :)

Requested explanation:  I was feeling like sludge.  Sometimes my experimentation with form is seen as frivolous and demeaning, and I'd crossed a couple of good friends' boundaries (elsewhere), without meaning to do so... again!  It's how I FELT in the aftermath.  Sometimse feelings reflect reality, and sometimes they don't.  But when you find yourelf on the wrong side of a boundary, it's both intrusive to the other party and embarrassing to you.  Being shoved back over the line hurts, and FEELS like being shut out [dammed].  And the when the resulting feelings produce inaction through depression, you may end up feeling as though you've also been rejected [damned].  

Poets express their feelings.  Sometimes I have done that too freely... or too soon.  Once that's been done, it seems it can't be taken back; the damage is done. Maybe some day I'll learn.

As to your piece, it's wonderful!  I love the twinkle.  It's a great reminder.

Here's the other side of the story, using another of God's creatures more familiar to me to illustrate looking at life forgetting God's twinkling eye:

ducking in slime pit
may well smooth ruffled feathers…
but makes flying tough

© MLee Dickens’son 08 Dec 2004

tryin' to recapture deLight, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Goodness me! You musn't let the world get to you like that. I certainly don't feel that way about our exchanges here. Yours are very witty and that is your style.

My only concern is that if perhaps you put in the odd serious one in a different vein, then maybe my old brain would be sparked with inspiration as well.

Sometimes it is possible to reply in faux-ku, but it is not my forte (I'll leave that to the expert).

Pieces like the one about your unexpected daughter would probably give me something to bounce off.

All is well Daniel my friend.

ducking in slime pit
may well smooth ruffled feathers…
but makes flying tough


This is very funny (if somewhat messy ~ the sludge, not the haiku,     ) so you do what you are best at and I'll muddle along learning.  

[JustDaniel]

learning's always fun
till someone pops your balloon;
frowns drown out a smile

send up another;
fill a grey sky with bubbles
to lilt dragonflies

[Cybele]

bubbles rise above
hot air spouted by fools;
smile and rise

[JustDaniel]

Thanks, Grace...

and it doesn't need to be a fool, either.  Even very wise or generally intelligent folk and otherwise sensitive persons can spout hot air betimes.  God knows I've had my share of heated words!

But let us pursue a different course now...

men and rivers wind
through paths of least resistance;
makes for some real crooks

ploddin' straight ahead, Lightly, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

men and rivers wind
through paths of least resistance;
makes for some real crooks

Very deep, Daniel


                          a child’s crimson kite
                          trapped in a tall poplar;
                          winter blossom

[JustDaniel]

Mornin' Grace!

a child’s crimson kite
trapped in a tall poplar;
winter blossom

Wavin' back!  

yellow kite's long tail
waving from greening apple;
Charlie Brown's spring bane

Lightly headin' back to bed, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel.

yellow kite's long tail
waving from greening apple;
Charlie Brown's spring bane

Ah, Charlie Brown, my favourite cartoon with my absolute hero, SNOOPY!!!  


                                    sunshine on the pond;
                                my goldfish lip the surface
                                to swallow the warmth

[JustDaniel]

I hope you'll forgive me for this one, Grace.

As you paint this picture of your fish pond and the open-mouthed visits of your fish (usually in recognition of your presence, expecting to be fed, or hopefully not gasping for exygen in a pond that needs aeration), I couldn't help but slip into this off-beat reflection as a riposte:

pond shimmers, golden;
check if it's sun's reflection
or you're in trouble
Lightly slippin' out, Daniel  

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hello, I'm following Cleo's suggestion for New Year and exploring the sights (sites?) of MM, and impressive they are.

I tentatively add my first senryu:

Revised 7th Jan 2005 (thank you, Grace):

The poet centres
her universe within words;
dinner burns again.

original:

The poet centres
her universe within words;
dinner is burnt again.

It's a joy just reading thru the tiles here. Thanks.
Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran

What a lovely burnt offering this is. A clever self-referential (both in the sense of the poet and the verse-form) piece. If only King Alfred could have written thus.

Very humerous too - how so much can be (lunch)-packed into so little.

Also good to see "her" - we are so used to seeing male poet references... makes one think - good change.

I think your centralised universe is beautifully poised and well-worth some carbonisation. (Nice to be able to sacrifice some one else's meal!)

Well done - enjoyed this. James.

PS Glad you've found a new muse and that you're trying the various delights available for the poetic salad (hot food off menu for moment).

Muse it or lose it - and you've got it!

James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

Thank you for such kind encouragement.  

My new muse was a surprise discovery - awakened talent in a lost maid called Cinderella - since the incineration she has, alas, become Cinder, for short: that's why I'm now writing senryu.

As for the dinner, it was ruined; we had to get a takeaway instead - chicken tarka (like chicken tikka, only a little 'otter).

And some fruit cake for afterwards.

Cheers,
Fran

[Cybele]

Good morning Fran,

Just back from my holiday and browsing around I come across this...

Hello, I'm following Cleo's suggestion for New Year and exploring the sights (sites?) of MM, and impressive they are.

I tentatively add my first senryu:



The poet centres
her universe within words;
dinner is burnt again.

It's great to see you here Fran, I hope you too will fall in love with Haiku/senryu as I have.

This is great with a delightful twist of comedy which made me laugh  

Just one tiny suggestion, the last line is one syllable long. Perhaps you could leave out the word 'is', and I think you'll find it will read even better.

Brilliant first attempt. I hope you stick around here and the Haiku tiles Fran.

[Cybele]

fairy woodland:
hoar-frosted cobweb,
Titania’s lace veil

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Welcome back from your holiday, Grace.  

Thank you for your comments on my attempt. I will have to practice my counting - no doubt my daughter (6) will take great delight in the fact that her mother is struggling with 5 and 7.

Is it a chilly shock to be back with icy cobwebs after the sun? (Although our cobwebs have been blown away overnight by the gales).  

A beautiful evocation of a still winter's woodland morning. These tiles are full of inspiration.

Thanks,
Fran