The Touch "small tweaks", A Sonnet Options

[Larry]

Hi Fran,

Thanks for the visit and the read; glad you enjoyed it. I'm happy to share what little knowledge I possess with anyone who cares to advance their abilities in form poetry. There is so little interest nowadays that anything I can do in pushing the more formal genres, I will. Glad to be an inspiration and that I'm considered to be "good company"!

Thanks,

Larry

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Larry

I simply had to visit this fine sonnet again. I like it even more than I did the first few times.

However I've thought about this section several times for what feels like some uncomfortable or confusing phrasing, and I wanted to address it for your consideration:

.... Small denizens have fled

their home and larder, solace now denied
by death. No songs to greet the morn’ converge
in airy heights, where once the swallow plied.

Would this meet your intended meaning:

Small denizens have fled
their homes and larder, solace now denied
by death. Fresh morning songs no more converge
in airy heights, where once the swallow plied.

in Light of your wonderful message, Daniel

[Larry]

Hi Daniel,

Thanks for revisiting this and for your suggestion. I had changed that line in the file on my hard drive at home to read:

... No songs will greet the morn' to surge

but I haven't given much thought to coming back to it at MM to make that change. What do you think of that edit?

Larry

[JustDaniel]

Yes, Larry...

I understand not coming back to make changes in the forum, especially when it's way down the page, as this one was. But when someone later on may be reading it (as I noted that a guest was doing, using the "last click" feature; it's how I ended up going back to it again!), they may be confused (as I was) by an 'uncorrected' line.

Your edit definitely removes the kind of stumbling over itself meaning. I definitely realized what you were saying once I had read it several times, but it was not clear on first reading.

Your edit provided the same idea that my suggestion offers, but yours probably in a better way.

Again, it's a delight to have read your fine sonnet again!

in Light of your carefulness, Daniel

[Larry]

Thanks Daniel,

This instance has made me mindful of the fact that I may have done other readers a disservice by not changing my sonnet. My apologies to any who have read and wondered why no correction was forthcoming.

Thank you once more for your suggestion and the reminder that what you put on the web stays there as long as there is a web.

My edit has been made and noted in the title.

Larry

[JustDaniel]

I'm rather certain that I and many others have unedited pieces lingering in the archives and back pages here, and perhaps one by one we can recover some of them.

I check from time to time where the "guest" visitors have their 'last click' and notice that the board is visited very often and in a wide range of places. I've gone to some of those places that were my own while the 'guest' is there and made some corrections on a number of occasions! It helps ME too!

deLighting in your faithful sharing, Daniel