Momentous Steps ~ Revised 5/11/07, Wizard Award Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Well done, Cathy! I'm thoroughly impressed with the remarkable job of revising you did in such a short time.

It's charming, fraught with freshness, and what's more:
prevailingly iambic to the core.

Thanks Mary! *blushing* LOL I know it's not perfect iambic but I'm alright with that as long as there are no major bumps in the rhythm.

My only quibbles are with the pronoun shift in S1 and the repetion of "eyes bright with." Yes, I see what you mean and I will see to that. As for 'eyes bright with...' I was trying to tie things together across the time span from verse two to three but there are other aspects that tie it together so maybe that one can go. I'm still working on it! *smiles* Since you've indicated being receptive to it, I'll also point out that S3/L5 is a foot long. I sense that you won't want to give up "his own way" here, but something like "In tapping strength you dare" would not only tighten the meter but also tie in nicely with the marching.

Yes, I know it is but I couldn't think of a way around it... but I like your suggestion. I may change those lines to 8 syllables to match the rest (haven't decided yet LOL) but I'm sure I could still use the gist of that line. Thanks!

No problem with the time I spent on scansion -- it wasn't much, and I'm much more comfortable discussing that subject than politics.

I still appreciate it!

Cathy
Mary

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Mary,

am confused by this, Don. Is it an unwritten protocol here to post a first draft to generate more discussion? This seems backwards to me, but if that's the law of the land, I'll try to hold back heavy crit until the appropriate time.

Mary

You did fine! When someone crits my work I hope to get honest feedback no matter how 'heavy' it may seem. I think what Don is getting at is that I don't usually post a poem that seems so 'unfinished'? I've had trouble with my muse lately and ever since finding out that my son was to be sent to Iraq so soon it's gotten worse! *smiles* As you can see from the quick revision and the differences that this poem was no where near what I wanted it to be, and yet I don't want others to finish it for me. I think maybe I just needed a little nudge or something and I went from there. I'm still open to suggestions to improve it though! LOL

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Mary and Don,

I'll give you my scan on the revision by private message unless/until we hear from Cathy on this.

I don't mind the discussion in my thread. Just remember that the discussion here should involve the poem in this thread. Or if it's easier, you could continue the discussion in Karnak... It's up to you two! It's educational either way~ LOL Maybe I'll learn something!

Cathy

And Mary, I think a wikiup is something similar to a tepee. At least I know it was used by the Indians. For some reason my son has always been into army toys and Indians! LOL

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Oh wow Cathy! -- I've returned too late. LOL! Your second revision is brilliant ... and you've smoothed out the bumps in meter. Well done!

Thank you Snow! LOL I don't know why I posted the poem the way I did. I'd no sooner posted it then I thought 'Oh that needs changed' and 'I can't leave that like that'! I think I changed it three times before anyone had had time to read it! LOL Then I posted a revision the next day! And you're never too late to offer thoughts or opinion~

Momentous Steps ~ 2nd revision

Upon discovering how to walk
my 'little man' knew his own way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand
to fist into your tiny hand,
then scatter chair to chair.

You begin this as though you are talking about your son, then in L2 you change and are talking to him.(which you continue throughout. I feel that It woulld be best to start as if talking to him from the start.) Perhaps

Upon discovering how to walk
my 'little man' you knew the way.

Mary pointed that out to me too! LOL I don't know how I missed it! Thanks, I will fix it soon!

Your thrill outran mobility
when searching through the toys in sight;
sidestepping drums and wikiup
you'd always end up bottom-up...
eyes bright with impish flair.

These 2 stanzas are a delightful return to memories of your son's childhood, which brought back memories of my own sons.

Yes, it was a pleasant journey down memory lane but it seems that these days everything brings tears to my eyes and here I was trying to type through the mist! I had to 'snap-to' as my son would now say! LOL I'm glad it brought fond memories for you too!

A cadence now directs your steps
to distant military drums
whose deep percussive rhythms start
to echo pride within your heart.
In finding your own way you dare

to march against a foreign foe
with liberty in fervent sight,
across the desert's blinding sands,
an M-16 in able hands...
eyes bright with freedom's flare.

A wonderful turn to present day -- I can find nothing I'd change. Your meter is smooth (I personally feel meter doesn't have to scan completely perfect all through as long as words flow without a bump and you've certainly acheived that here. Great revision!

That's what Ron keeps trying to tell me (jgdittier) and I think it's finally sunk in. When using form it's a different story but this is no particular form and I didn't feel the need to be so strict about the meter. I'm glad you think it reads smoothly! Thanks so much~

Cathy
Hugs Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I have a 3rd revision up for anyone who's interested~

I'm thinking about changing

A cadence now directs your steps
to distant military drums,

to

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums...

What do you guys think?

Thanks,
Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

This one reads more easily, for me.

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums...

It is also iambic. They both are, of course. But I think its the alliteration that causes me to chose this one. Two matches on L1 and two on L2.

I'm just going to read your most recent review.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Kathy!

I'm leaning towards 'commands' too...

Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

I think I got it!
Cathy

By George, you did!

Well done Cathy! I admire your attitude.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Kathy!

LOL I don't know if it's attitude or downright dogged determination! Or is that attitude too?? ROFL

Anyhoo... thanks!

Cathy

[Guest_Don_*]

I'm thinking about changing

A cadence now directs your steps
to distant military drums,

to

A cadence now commands your steps
to distant military drums...

What do you guys think?

Thanks,
Cathy

An improvement.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

To those interested,

A wikiup is an American Indian abode like a teepee except the teepee did not require as much wood. A wikiup is a dome shape shell of medium weight branches and sticks. This is covered with skins, leaves, mats, brush, etc. for weather protection.

Does anyone need a home crafted indian bead belt? I'll trade sight unseen for a poetry merit badge.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Don!... for the thumbs-up on 'commands' and the low-down on wikiups!

I'd love a beaded belt but I'm not qualified to give out merit badges! *smiles*

Cathy

[Mary Boren]

I like the tweaks, Cathy. Nice job.

Don, I'll take that beaded belt. Send $8.95 for shipping and handling, and expect your merit badge to be delivered on February 30, 2008.

Re: Scansion ... You've revised since then, but I'll go ahead and show how it was sounding to my ear for purpose of comparison. * indicates the syllable receiving less stress (but more than unstressed) in the spondees, which is not at all inappropriate.

up ON / dis COV / ring HOW / to WALK
my LIT / tle MAN / knew HIS / OWN WAY
you'd SCOOP / up EV / ry GRAIN / of SAND
to FIST / in TO / your TI / ny HAND
then SCAT / ter CHAIR / to CHAIR

your THRILL / OUT RAN / mo BIL / i TY
when SEARCH / ing THROUGH / the TOYS in SIGHT
SIDE STEP* / ping DRUMS / and WIK / i UP
you'd AL / WAYS* END / UP* BOT / tom UP
EYES* BRIGHT / with IMP / ish FLAIR

a CAD / ence NOW / dir ECTS / your STEPS
to DIS / tant MIL / i TAR / y DRUMS
whose DEEP / per CUSS / ive RHYTH / ms START
to ECH / o PRIDE / with IN / your HEART
in FIND / ing YOUR / OWN WAY / you DARE

to MARCH / a GAINST / a FOR / eign FOE
with LIB / er TY / in FERV / ent SIGHT
a CROSS / the DES / ert's BLIND / ing SANDS
an M / SIX* TEEN / in AB / le HANDS
EYES* BRIGHT / with FREE / dom's FLARE

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Don, thanks for the info re a Wikiup. So what's a wigwam then?

I would love a beaded belt. I've never seen a poetry merit badge but could soon fix that. Necessity is the mother of invention, after all.

Snow, I like the way you've made it universal, so others can relate to it. And you've certainly applied yourself to correct the metre.

I notice that the last line of every stanza rhymes. That's a neat trick. It ties them together, and makes it feel finished, especially at the end. Cool.
It also rhymes in every stanza at L3/L4. A couplet, bang in the middle. That's unusual too.

And you have enjambed between S3 and 4. I think you took some pretty significant steps during the course of making this poem, Cathy.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I like the tweaks, Cathy. Nice job.

Thanks Mary!

Don, I'll take that beaded belt. Send $8.95 for shipping and handling, and expect your merit badge to be delivered on February 30, 2008.

Re: Scansion ... You've revised since then, but I'll go ahead and show how it was sounding to my ear for purpose of comparison. * indicates the syllable receiving less stress (but more than unstressed) in the spondees, which is not at all inappropriate.

This is close to how I was reading it. I'm never quite sure if I'm forcing stresses where they shouldn't be or vice versa. LOL

Thanks for your help Mary!
Cathy

up ON / dis COV / ring HOW / to WALK
my LIT / tle MAN / knew HIS / OWN WAY
you'd SCOOP / up EV / ry GRAIN / of SAND
to FIST / in TO / your TI / ny HAND
then SCAT / ter CHAIR / to CHAIR

your THRILL / OUT RAN / mo BIL / i TY
when SEARCH / ing THROUGH / the TOYS in SIGHT
SIDE STEP* / ping DRUMS / and WIK / i UP
you'd AL / WAYS* END / UP* BOT / tom UP
EYES* BRIGHT / with IMP / ish FLAIR

a CAD / ence NOW / dir ECTS / your STEPS
to DIS / tant MIL / i TAR / y DRUMS
whose DEEP / per CUSS / ive RHYTH / ms START
to ECH / o PRIDE / with IN / your HEART
in FIND / ing YOUR / OWN WAY / you DARE

to MARCH / a GAINST / a FOR / eign FOE
with LIB / er TY / in FERV / ent SIGHT
a CROSS / the DES / ert's BLIND / ing SANDS
an M / SIX* TEEN / in AB / le HANDS
EYES* BRIGHT / with FREE / dom's FLARE

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Don, thanks for the info re a Wikiup. So what's a wigwam then?

I would love a beaded belt. I've never seen a poetry merit badge but could soon fix that. Necessity is the mother of invention, after all.

Snow, I like the way you've made it universal, so others can relate to it. And you've certainly applied yourself to correct the metre.

I'm not Snow but thank you anyway! LOL

I notice that the last line of every stanza rhymes. That's a neat trick. It ties them together, and makes it feel finished, especially at the end. Cool.
It also rhymes in every stanza at L3/L4. A couplet, bang in the middle. That's unusual too.

I'm not sure how I came up with the rhyme scheme but I think it reads pretty nicely too! Thanks~

And you have enjambed between S3 and 4. I think you took some pretty significant steps during the course of making this poem, Cathy.

Thanks Kathy! I appreciate you coming back to this~

TaTa~
Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Dunno why I called you Snow. Sorry.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Dunno why I called you Snow. Sorry.

Ahhhh no biggie! Sometimes I have to double-check who's I'm working on because I forgot who's poem I pulled up to crit! LOL I get caught up in a whirl of postings and forget who's is what... or is it what is whose....?? Anyhooo.... I couldn't be mixed up with a better bunch!

Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Cathy and Mary, re Mary's scan: I just wanted to say that's the way I scan it too though I have a little trouble with 'my little man knew his own way.' Putting emphasis on his fixes it, as you have done, Mary, and were one reading it aloud it would be quite natural to say HIS own way ie as opposed to that of others.
But if it was mine I'd be changing it to 'my little fellow knew his way.' The beats are much stronger.

Cathy, you change tense there. (From he to you) Is it like that in your final version? I think you've fixed it. Must go and look.

Oh Cathy, I knew it was you. Of course I did. Just a silly lapse. How could I forget your name???

*** You have fixed it:

Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand

Cool.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Cathy and Mary, re Mary's scan: I just wanted to say that's the way I scan it too though I have a little trouble with 'my little man knew his own way.' Putting emphasis on his fixes it, as you have done, Mary, and were one reading it aloud it would be quite natural to say HIS own way ie as opposed to that of others.
But if it was mine I'd be changing it to 'my little fellow knew his way.' The beats are much stronger.

Cathy, you change tense there. (From he to you) Is it like that in your final version? I think you've fixed it. Must go and look.

Oh Cathy, I knew it was you. Of course I did. Just a silly lapse. How could I forget your name???

ROFL! Yes, how could you forget that name KATHY??

*** You have fixed it:

Upon discovering how to walk,
'my little one', you knew your way.
You'd scoop up every grain of sand

Cool.

I've posted what I hope is the final revision (that remains to be seen! LOL). I think the iambics are even better.

Thanks for taking another look!

Cathy