TOMFOOLERY **, A bit of rhyming poetry Options

[Maureen]

TOMFOOLERY

Cobalt eyes were mesmerizing the poor young bloke standing there
rigid, fear emanating, transfixed by that awful stare
that went through him, left him shaken, left him with the urge to flee,
but alas his legs were jelly and he was no longer free.

Now the competitive spirit that not long ago he’d had,
disappeared as insignificant. He was in trouble bad
and his nose twitched at the odour of the Turkish cigarettes
whose butts rested in the ashtray, beside roses and lorgnettes.

He had heard the old cook mention in a tone of great dismay
to the butler of the big house where this role was played today.
“There’s been food stole from my pantry, as I’ve noticed once or twice,
though I doubt its people stole it – I suspect that we have mice.”

And here he stood before the one who would put things to rights,
the one who stalked the hallways even on the darkest nights.
He’d heard about glass ceilings, seems he’d met his Waterloo -
the big tortoiseshell tabby tom at number twenty two.

Maureen Clifford © 04/13

The Scribbly Bark Poet

[Norman D Gutter]

Maureen:

I had some trouble paying attention to the words as I read the poem, my eyes moving left to right across each line but my brain not engaging with the poem. Till I reached the last line, which brought a smile to my face. Then I went back and read it with comprehension.

The poem has things I could pick at. Inconsistent capitalization, missing apostrophes, rocky to inconsistent to almost missing meter. All of these detract from the enjoyment, and all are easy to fix. The first stanza especially is difficult to read due to the lack of meter. I've read it through several times, and can see ways to improve it. Given the aggressive enjambment in this stanza, and given that as the first it sets the tone for the poem, I think you need a good regular meter. By stanza four you have pretty well established a ballad meter: 7 iambic feet to the line. If you could get the first stanza close to this, I think you would have a much improved poem.

The only other thing I'll comment on is, with the poem in the cat's point of view, I had a difficult time figuring out who was staring (I assume the cat), who was mesmerized and fearful(don't know). I assume it's a human thief who's taking the food that the maid attributes to mice, but I don't really know and can't tell from the poem. Possibly I'm too literal in my reading. Maybe the poor young bloke is a mouse.

Best Regards,
NDG

[Maureen]

Ooh Norman - sorry you had difficulty coming to grips with it - it was a bit of cat and mouse play. At least the last line got you in.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment - all comments are welcome and taken on board. Not sure what you meant by inconsistent capitalization????? Were you referring to starting each line with a capital letter - If so that is not something I do.

Cheers

Maureen
The Scribbly Bark Poet

[Norman D Gutter]

Maureen:

No, I don't start my lines with capitals either. Here's what I meant:

L7 should not start with a capital.
L11 should start with a capital.

[Maureen]

Got you - thanks Norman

Cheers

Maureen
The Scribbly Bark Poet