Flowers Make You Cry

Take 2

A mountain gladiolus, like the sunrise,
held me in her passion years ago.
Her fiery kisses scorched my youthful heartstrings
till I cried.
Eventually I broke and let her go,

I found a lotus lily sadly wilted,
nursed her back to joy with tender play
then lost my soul within her mystic eyes
of north-sea cloud,
and died the day she took her love away.

A silver rose more lucid than the moonlight
remade my heart beneath a desert sky,
she fetched my soul and pointed me to life
beyond tomorrow -
but vanished when I turned to ask her why.

In evening light I see my battered life
on barren ground
with thistledown and nettles scattered round.

---------

Properties of the symbols;

* Though beautiful, wild glads are poisonous - deadly to the root.
* Lotus flowers intoxicate with a heady addictive essence. (a mind drug)
* The white rose is spiritually pure. ( the flower in S3 is actually an angel)
* Loyal thistledown, beneath the prickles gives comfort and warmth.
* Nettle (a healing herb)provides protection to those hardened to its stings.
Note: Both thistle and nettle are tough and can survive arduous conditions
-----------------------------------------------
take 1
A mountain gladiolus, like the sunrise,
held me in her passion years ago.
Her fiery kisses scorched my tender heartstrings
till I cried.
Eventually I broke and let her go,

I found a Celtic lily lost and wilted,
nursed her back to joy with tender play
then lost my soul within her mystic eyes
of north-sea cloud,
and died the day she took her love away.

A pale rose more lucid than the moonlight
found my heart beneath the desert sky,
she fetched my soul and pointed me to life
beyond tomorrow
but vanished when I turned to ask her why.

In evening light I see my battered life
on barren ground
with thistle down and nettles all around.
-

© WW Schwim 24 November 2009

Oh my, Wally, this is absolutely divine. You write with wisdom born of pain, for which there is no shortcut or substitute. I really don't see how this could be any better.

At first I wasn't too keen on the title, but it grew on me. I take it you give "pale" two syllables, in which case your meter is impeccable. If I had any nit at all, it would be to wonder if the heartstrings could be something besides tender. It's the right word, of course, but the expected one, and repeated a couple of lines down. Fragile, maybe? I'm pretty sure thistledown is one word.

The interesting metrical pattern you've devised suits the subject perfectly. That second-line caesura makes me catch my breath in just the right place, and then slowly relax into the dreamy drawn-out line below with a wiggle in the tail before the axe falls in the fourth. Well done!

Hmmm ... what would it look like with those heptametric lines unbroken? I'm assuming you tried it both ways and made the better choice, but I still want to see for myself.

A mountain gladiola, like the sunrise,
held me in her passion years ago.
Her fiery kisses scorched my tender heartstrings till I cried.
Eventually I broke and let her go,

I found a Celtic lily lost and wilted,
nursed her back to joy with tender play
then lost my soul within her mystic eyes of north-sea cloud,
and died the day she took her love away.

A pale rose more lucid than the moonlight
found my heart beneath the desert sky,
she fetched my soul and pointed me to life beyond tomorrow
but vanished when I turned to ask her why.

In evening light I see my battered life on barren ground
with thistle down and nettles scattered round.

Thank you Mary for reading and your critical eye as expected had rooted out some interesting issues.

I hadn't spotted the rep of "tender" that slipped in. The first is meant to be tender in age while the second instance meand gentle.

"Heartstrings" is very predictable I agree and I will work on that.
"pale" was wobbly for me too. It was "yellow" but thatdidn't suit the night image so perhaps "silver" would work as the flower in this verse is a spirit. I dunno?

The form is a derivative I developed that is very lyrical and emotional. I use it when feeling melancholy. The heptameter lines stick out though (as you discovered) so I usually clip them for aesthetics. Dropping the harsh abab scheme allows much more freedom and wider spaced rhymes don't shout at you as in a classic sonnet.

Glad it reached you, and thanks for the feedback.

Hugz,

Wally




that were

This is exquisite in its sorrow. I want to be just like you when I grow up (nevermind that I'm approaching middle-age).

Hello Wally!

Just my kind of title and thoughts...this is excellent. It is heartbreaking to bury all those flowers, but so symbolic. Try and bury the thistledown and nettles too...WOW...You are producing the most incredible word structures!

Rushing off to the bank to fight a war...:) I will be back!

Bev

Oh Merle,
that is so sweet dear but you defiantly don't want to be like me, ugly and battle scarred inside and out. If you mean poetically, I am flattered but since I am also older than you I have probably experienced a little more of life's tricks. Your own writing skills are remarkable.

Hi Bev,

Nice to see you survived the tropical storm in Natal. Sorry the holiday was a tad flooded.

Ah, you picked up on some of the symbols but I fear others passed you by.

Bury the flowers? oh no - far too beautiful and special, each in their own way. Look deeper into the properties and you may find;

• Though beautiful, wild glads are poisonous - right to the root.
• Lotus flowers intoxicate with a heady addictive essence. (a mind drug)
• The white rose is spiritually pure. ( the flower in S3 is actually an angel)
• Faithful thistledown, beneath the prickles gives comfort and warmth.
• Nettle (a healing herb) provides protection to those hardened to its stings.
  Note: Both thistle and nettle are tough and can survive adversity.

Too esoteric perhaps?

Hugz,
Wally

No, not to esoteric...I will be back. Not been here to analyse...too much keeping me away from poetry...!

Awesome poem!

Later!

Bev

Wally, the more I read the more I appreciate your double layers. I think i might even have seen a triple layer... or that might be just me. Double meanings are hard to write and this flows just wonderfully.

Steve