Drifting Days, From My Rod McKewan days...very ealy 70' Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Drifting days that once were mine,
When I was young and free.
I watched over your meadows green
A lingering moment that was gone too quickly,
I turned my eyes toward distant fields,
And pushed my feet down a different path.
Now I sit with memories, watching younger
Fools pass your way
They’re in their drifting days.

Drifting days that once were mine
I wandered through them casually
Picking out to place in mind
Vivid memories, they have no place or time
Contented moments in quiet solitude,
Rushing interludes that sweep the dusty cobwebs
Stirring the lingering aftertaste of the presence
Of your warmth,
That is molded in the background of my mind.

[Cyn]

I haven't been on this forum long, so have not seen a lot of your writing, but this one is my favorite of yours Steve.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Steve

ah those long passed carefree days that are now only distant memories and all we can do is watch others experience them but not appreciate what they have till it is gone.

just one thought

Now I sit with memories, watching younger
Fools passing your way  ...perhaps pass instead of passing.
They’re in their drifting days.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[Nefertiti]

Hi!  

I really enjoyed this piece.  It has a great feel to it.  Nostalgic without being overly sentimental.  I thoroughly related to it.  Well conveyed and nicely done!  Okay, now I'll take an anemic crack at a crit for you.  Mostly, I just beg for commas!


Drifting days that once were mine,(Nice opening! )
When I was young and free.  (This thought seems incomplete - I expect to be lead somewhere wonderful and find a period instead.  Maybe a comma that leads to the next line and a period at the end of that one.)
I watched over your meadows green  (Okay, maybe a period wouldn't work here because this line seems to be tied to the next one.)
A lingering moment that was gone too quickly,("too quickly gone" perchance?)
I turned my eyes toward distant fields,
And pushed my feet down a different path.
Now I sit with memories, watching younger
Fools pass your (Where did your come from?  Should the tense be "my" or how about "this"?) way
They’re in their drifting days. (Love the way you pulled that together.)

Drifting days that once were mine (comma, please)
I wandered through them casually (Semi-colon if the thought on the line is tied to the next or period if it isn't.)
Picking out to place in mind
Vivid memories, they have no place or time (period - I get LOST without puncutation.)
Contented moments in quiet solitude,
Rushing interludes that sweep the dusty cobwebs
Stirring the lingering aftertaste of the presence
Of your warmth,
That is molded in the background of my mind.



This is really a beautiful piece.  I hope I didn't butch it with my crit.  It's resoundingly lovely!  Thanks for the read!

B.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Nefertiti.. no i appreciate the critiques ,,,, will take me time to read and think about changes.... thank you for the kind comment for a piece that was written when i was 19 years old...
Steve

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Nefertiti.. no i appreciate the critiques ,,,, will take me time to read and think about changes.... thank you for the kind comment for a piece that was written when i was 19 years old...
Steve