PAINDROPS Options

[Maureen]

Rewrite


PAINDROPS
Maureen Clifford @The Scribbly Bark Poet

Sunk in the depths of the darkest depression,
and tight held in taut bands of abject despair,
grey mists saw her lost in utter confusion
still wondering just how in hell she got there.

Rain on the roof added to the withdrawal
she sought from reality. Life was so hard
that despite her fierce battle against delusion
she felt herself losing in inches not yards.

Struggle? She struggled. There were none who saw that
and none who would know of the dark thoughts within.
She walked all alone over cracks in the pavement
and at times suspected that life had worn thin.

Black clouds slowly gathered – the walls saw her weep
in a morass of darkness, despondent again
'til warm sunbeam fingers would cheerfully creep
through those grey tear flecked windows, dispelling her pain.

Intermittent drismals like showery rain
turned to rainbows and happy expressions.






PAINDROPS
Maureen Clifford @The Scribbly Bark Poet

Sunk in the depths of the darkest depression,
held in the bands of such abject despair,
lost in the mists of the utmost confusion
and wondering how the hell did she get there.

Rain on the roof added to the recession
she sought from reality. Life was so hard.
She struggled against the high tide of delusion
but felt she was losing in inches not yards.

There were none who saw the hard internal struggle
and none who would know of the dark thoughts within
She walked all alone over cracks in the pavement
and at times suspected that life had worn thin.

In her morass of blackness the house saw her weep,
saw the black clouds slow gather – her secrets would keep
until warm sunbeam fingers would creep once again
through the grey weeping windows dispelling the pain
of intermittent drismals like showery rain
till again she gave happy impressions.

[jerryk]

Hi Maureen;
this is a sad poem that speaks of all that can go wrong in one's life. You painted a fine picture, Maureen.
V/1 L/4 makes me wonder if the pronoun "she" (the subject) at the beginning of that line might not serve to express the thought in that first verse more fully? "she wondered how the hell she got there."
I like the title; Paindrops; it's a nice play on raindrops, or weeping windows.
It's really great to see you and your work. Take care,
Jerry

PAINDROPS
Maureen Clifford @The Scribbly Bark Poet

Sunk in the depths of the darkest depression,
held in the bands of such abject despair,
lost in the mists of the utmost confusion
and wondering how the hell did she get there. (she wondered how the hell she got there)?

Rain on the roof added to the recession
she sought from reality. Life was so hard.
She struggled against the high tide of delusion
but felt she was losing in inches not yards.

There were none who saw the hard internal struggle
and none who would know of the dark thoughts within
She walked all alone over cracks in the pavement
and at times suspected that life had worn thin.

In her morass of blackness the house saw her weep,
saw the black clouds slow gather – her secrets would keep
until warm sunbeam fingers would creep once again
through the grey weeping windows dispelling the pain
of intermittent drismals like showery rain
till again she gave happy impressions.

[Thoth]

Hello Mau
You have the essence of a wonderful poem here. Being (for the most part) predominantly dactylic in falling metre, a kinda offbeat waltz lyric seems to emerge from the script. It cries out with desperation and depicts the subject’s inner strength as she battles with her demons and eventually ends on a happy note. I love the title too!

Dunno how much crit you want here for one star but I can offer some suggestions that may smooth it up a tad.

I know that you favour your Aussy bush poetry style where metric rules are fairly loose but that last bundle pushes even that envelope to busting for me. It seems to fall apart in S4 (a six line strofe with A,A,B.B.B,C scheme) at a point where in fact it all comes together once more for the subject. Changing the structure is ok but should be done deliberately in a subtle way that accentuates the mood shift.

That old scoundrel “THE” has snuck up on you and inserted himself 16 times while you weren’t looking! Replacing some of these with suitable verbs and dumping others may improve the cadence and cuts some extra syllables that trip up the reader.

I noticed a couple of dodgy rhymes, used in that context, “recession” seemed a mite forced to my ear. Bit of shuffling around solves two niggles but the leading syllables can’t seem to make up their mind to be stressed or unstressed. (This is important for reader to get the rhythm right first time, otherwise it may take several tries to pick it up.)

May I suggest that last group actually be re-composed into two discrete 4 line verses with a key change only in the final strophe. “ House” watching the scene also seemed a bit odd since the familiar sketch here would rather be that of “walls closing in”.

The final verse then paints a picture of sunshine returning to rescue our poor tormented heroine who we assume survives the ordeal. It is here you could alter the metre, making it more upbeat to match the mood shift.

You may also consider narrating in the present tense. It would make a startling impact, by bringing the reader into the scene rather reciting from a history book.

While I’m at it, a little re-wording could improve the metre, (at least regarding the consistency of leading stressed syllables) and there is ample opportunity to spread some alliteration around to make those lines roll smoothly off the tongue.

These are just some thoughts to stimulate the muse. Disregard if you wish or yell if you need further suggestions.

Love to see how this one pans out.

It reminds me of a piece I began in this tempo a while back but never finished. It was about the plight hookers in Johannesburg. (I’ve seen it all) Think I’ll go dig it out and run it past the muse again.


Hugz

Wal

[Maureen]

Thanks Jerry and Wally for your help and suggestions - I have rewritten it and ditched a lot of the 'the's' those sneaky little beggars sure do sneak in without one being aware of them - so thanks for givng me a kick up the rear end to remind me Wally.

What do you reckon -? It feels better to me but probaby could do with a bit more polish

Cheers

Maureen