Second partial revision

Tom the Rhymer

When Rhymer Tomas strode the bank
Of Castle Huntlie’s stream,
A lady neared upon a horse
In early morning’s gleam.

The mount she rode was purest white,
Its mane was braided well,
And pendant from each braid there hung
A tinkling silver bell.

Now Tom the Rhymer bared his head;
He knelt, and then spoke he:
“The Heaven’s Queen, I’m sure you are—
A mortal you can’t be.”

“Tom, I shall tell you who I am,”
She said with friendly mien:
“The Queen of Heaven I am not;
In Elfinland I’m queen.

“Now take your harp and play for me;
Your love songs I must hear,
But if you dare to kiss my lips,
You’ll serve me seven year’.”

“To linger in sweet servitude,
How could such frighten me?”
He kissed her lips and she kissed his
Beneath the Eildon tree.

“Now you are bound to go with me,”
She said and stroked his hair,
“To live with me for seven year,
And serve me true and fair.”

They both then mounted her white steed;
Tom filled with song the air
As they set out for Elfinland.
His heart beat free from care.

And, at the foot of Eildon Hills,
There lay a cave ahead,
Through which a blood-filled river flowed,
Drained from those men long dead.

This was the blood that had been shed
For honor, greed, or fame;
Man’s warlike heart shall always bleed
When folly has a name.

Its way the fairy knew quite well;
No moon by which to see,
Her horse strode on in steady beat
Till sunlight set them free.

They left the cave for a strange world
Then flew at tempest’s speed
Into a hot and barren land
Devoid of all but weed.

“Good Tom, my dear, we cannot rest
On this so weary day,
For ride we must, oh, mortal man—
Before I fade away.”

At last they reached the shady woods,
Rode on through greening dells;
And when she gently touched the reins,
Then tinkled all those bells.

“Now, Thomas, we will stop a while
Beneath this apple tree,
But do not touch the fruit that tempts—
You’ll lose your soul and me.”

She took from her own silken cape
Some earthly bread and wine,
Of which he ate while she reclined.
Her beauty was divine.

Restored, she pointed at the fork
Where one road branched to three.
“Which one of these would you now choose?”
Tom looked up from her knee:

“It seems that I have heard, the path
of righteousness is rough
And most beset with thorns and stones,
Avoided oft enough.”

“Well said, my clever Rhymer Tom;
But there, that pleasant way,
That is the path to wickedness,
Which leads the weak astray.

“Now straight ahead, there lies the road
That goes to Elfinland;
It is the one that we will take,
But first hear my demand:

“Beyond that stream lies my own world.
Once there, you must not speak
To anyone but me, your queen;
Your words great harm could wreak.

“Your way back home you would not find,
Unless you harp and sing,
Yet never speak in Elfinland;
I bind you with this ring.”

And Tom saw many wondrous things
When they reached her domain;
Her people questions asked of him,
But they were asked in vain.

His queen dressed him in fairy clothes,
Bade him to sing out loud
His songs of love and tragedy
Before the Elfin crowd.

He often filled the castle halls
With song from dusk to dawn;
It seemed as though the seven year’—
In seven days had gone.

“You served me well; take this reward:
The gift to speak the truth,
And when grim death does come, dear Tom,
Then we shall meet, forsooth.”

The Rhymer ‘neath the hawthorn lay,
The cherished Eildon tree;
All dressed in finest Elfin clothes
And velvet shoes was he.

He’d left his songs in Elfinland;
To kings he prophesied,
For such her parting gift had been;
His harp he set aside.

(Thomas Rhymer’s Return to Elfinland)

Renowned for his true prophesies,
The Ryhmer reached his fame:
True Thomas, Tom of Ercledoune,
Became a household name.

His hair turned gray and somewhat thin;
Time took its constant toll,
Aged bones, once strong, began to ache
As he strode up the knoll.

He turned the elf queen’s finger ring,
The one that sealed his tongue
While he had served in Elfinland,
When he was strong and young.

At ev’ry turn he thought he heard
The silver bells' faint call;
He took up his neglected harp
One morn in early fall.

Then, as he neared the river bank,
He found the fairy there;
Her steed shook fifty and nine bells,
Their chimes removed his care.

True Thomas knelt as best he could;
She stroked his hair: “It’s time,
Dear Tom, that we should ride on home
To silv’ry bells’ bright chime.”

They rode on to the hawthorn tree,
The cave near Eildon Hill,
Through which the blood-filled river ran,
For men were warring still.

Through desert land, then fruit tree groves,
They flew at dazzling speed,
And as they reached the queen’s domain,
Old Tom turned young, indeed.

Again he tuned his faithful harp
And played a melody,
And when he rhymed of lasting love,
A bird sang in its tree.

In our own world he was not seen;
His queen fluffed up their bed—
Its curtain drew the Rhymer shut . . . .
The rest is best unsaid.
~~~~~~~~~~~





Tom the Rhymer *** 1st version
(a ballad after a Scottish legend)

When Rhymer Tomas strode the bank
Of Castle Huntlie’s stream,
A lady near’d upon a horse
In early morning’s gleam.

She rode upon a horse, pure white,
Its mane was braided well,
And from each single braid there hung
A tinkling silver bell.

Tom the Rhymer bared his head;
He knelt, and then spoke he:
“The Heaven’s Queen, I’m sure you are—
A mortal you can’t be.”

“Tom, I shall tell you who I am,”
She said with friendly mien:
“The Queen of Heaven I am not;
Of Elfinland I’m queen.

“Now take your harp and play for me;
Your love songs I must hear,
But if you dare to kiss my lips,
You’ll serve me seven year’.”

“To linger in sweet servitude,
How could such frighten me!”
He kissed her lips, and she kissed his . . . .
A bird sang in the tree.

“Now you are mine; now go with me,”
She said and stroked his hair,
“To live with me for seven year,
And serve me true and fair.”

They got upon her milk-white horse,
He filled with song the air;
As they set out for Elfinland,
His heart beat free of care.

And, at the foot of Eildon Hills,
There lay a cave ahead,
Through which a blood-filled river flowed,
Drained from those men long dead.

This was the blood that had been shed
For honor, greed, or fame;
Man’s warlike heart shall always bleed
When folly has a name.

Its way the fairy knew quite well;
No moon by which to see,
The steed strode on in steady beat
Till sunlight set them free.

They left the cave for ‘nother world,
And flew at tempest’s speed
Into a hot and barren land,
Devoid of all but weed.

“Good Tom, my dear, we cannot rest
On this so weary day,
For ride we must, oh, mortal man—
My beauty fades away.”

At last they reached the shady woods,
Rode on through greening dells;
And when she gently touched the reins,
Then tinkled all those bells.

“Now, Thomas, we will stop a while,
Beneath this apple tree,
But do not touch the fruit that tempts—
Lest you lose your soul and me.”

She took from her own silken cape
Some earthly bread and wine,
Of which he ate while she reclined.
Her beauty was divine.

Restored, she pointed at the fork
Where one road branched to three.
“Which one of these would you now choose?”
Tom looked up from her knee:

“It seems to me that I have heard,
The path of righteousness is rough
And most beset with thorns and stones,
Avoided oft enough.”

“Well said, my clever Rhymer Tom;
And there, that pleasant way,
That is the path to wickedness,
Which leads the weak astray.

“Now straight ahead, there lies the road
That goes to Elfinland;
It is the one that we will take,
But first hear my demand:

“Beyond that stream lies my own world.
Once there, you must not speak
To anyone but me, your queen;
Your words great harm would wreak.

“Your way back home you would not find,
Unless you harp and sing,
Yet never speak in Elfinland;
Your tongue will seal this ring.”

And Tom saw many wondrous things
When they reached her domain;
Her people questions asked of him,
But they were asked in vain.

His queen dressed him in fairy clothes,
Bade him to sing out loud
His songs of love and tragedy
Before the Elfin crowd.

He often filled the castle halls
With song from dusk to dawn;
It seemed as though the seven year’—
In seven days had gone.

“You served me well; take this reward:
The gift to speak the truth,
And when grim death does come, dear Tom,
Then we shall meet, forsooth.”

The Rhymer ‘neath the hawthorn lay,
The cherished Eildon tree;
All dressed in finest Elfin clothes
And velvet shoes was he.

He’d left his songs in Elfinland;
To kings he prophesied,
For such her parting gift had been;
His harp he set aside.

(Thomas Rhymer’s Return to Elfinland)

Renowned for his true prophesies,
The Ryhmer reached his fame:
True Thomas, Tom of Ercledoune,
Became a household name.

His hair turned gray and somewhat thin;
Time took its constant toll,
And bones, once strong, began to ache
As he strode up the knoll.

He turned the elf queen’s finger ring,
The one that sealed his tongue
While he had served in Elfinland,
When he was strong and young.

At ev’ry turn he thought he heard
The silver bells' faint call;
He took up his neglected harp
One morn in early fall.

Then, as he near’d the river bank,
He found the fairy there;
Her steed shook fifty and nine bells,
Their chimes removed his care.

True Thomas knelt as best he could;
She stroked his hair: “It’s time,
Dear Tom, that we should ride on home
To silv’ry bells’ bright chime.”

They rode on to the hawthorn tree,
The cave near Eildon Hill,
Through which the blood-filled river ran,
For men were warring still.

Through desert land, then fruit tree groves,
They flew at dazzling speed,
And as they reached the queen’s domain,
Old Tom turned young, indeed.

Again he tuned his faithful harp
And played a melody,
And when he rhymed of lasting love,
A bird sang in its tree.

In our own world he was not seen;
His queen fluffed up their bed—
Its curtain drew the Rhymer shut . . . .
The rest is best unsaid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Jerry,

A nicely told tale and very enjoyable. I think it would have been better placed in "Plato's Pearls" for display rather than this critique forum but it doesn't matter. There is little traffic in either one.

There are a few metrical deficiencies but since there are no "crit asterisks" in your post, I'll not mention them.

Thanks for the smile,

Larry

Thanks very much, Larry;
I have to apologize for neglecting to invite the reader to crit. This ballad has been on the burner for years and I kept on tinkering with it--endlessly. Yes, I would like more than a casual critique, and therefore, I'll add asterisks to the title. Thanks, Larry.
Jerry

G'day Jerry - I love your poem - what a great story full of romance (sigh)

These two verses I found a bit glitchy - the extra syllable in v1 l4 and v2 l2 throws them out - easily fixed -

perhaps 'you'll lose your soul and me'

Now, Thomas, we will stop a while,
Beneath this apple tree,
But do not touch the fruit that tempts—
Lest you lose your soul and me.”

maybe - [i]'It seems to me the path of righteousness
is hard and rough etc


“It seems to me that I have heard,
The path of righteousness is rough
And most beset with thorns and stones,
Avoided oft enough.”

Thank you for sharing with us

Cheers

Maureen

Okay Jerry,

Glad you clarified your intent by posting your ballad in Hermes's Homilies.

One must be careful what they ask for and since you requested a "more than casual critique", I'll do my best with
suggestions which I feel may improve your piece. As always, take or toss!



It is too long to critique at one sitting so I'll leave you with these suggestions. I do agree with Maureen about the two lines she mentioned.



maybe: A righteous path is rough...

Anyway, I'll leave you to ponder these thoughts but shall return when I have more time and it isn't so late at night.

Larry

Thank you, Maureen;
I'm glad the theme of this poem pleases you, and your suggestions are most welcome. There are indeed rough spots that I must hasten to hone. I'll post a revision asap. Thanks again; much appreciated,
Jerry

Hi Larry;
thank you for all those great pointers; I appreciate your help on this poem--one that had vexed me without end because of its tight 8-6-8-6 form. Also, a writer may ignore flaws that are obvious to others because of the familiar mind picture he had construed. At any rate, I'm amazed how much had slipped through the cracks (of my mind), and truly appreciate your suggestions. A revision will be forthcoming. Thanks, Larry.
Jerry

Wow Jerry!!
This turned into a fine ballad indeed ! Goog revision.

Very Tolkenish and vivid, something I might read to my Granddaughters at bed time. Loved it.

Cheers,

Wal

Hi Wal,
can't tell you how much I appreciate your comment on this ballad, one that took some time in the making, mostly due to illness. I'm pleased that you would consider reading these verses to your granddaughters at bedtime. To me, this is the finest compliment. Thank you.
Jerry