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Posted on: Jul 4 07, 10:19 |

Babylonian

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
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Kathy, So very cool beans!!!!! Congratulations, a much deserved win. wishing you a wonderful 4th... :) brenda |
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Forum: Member Announcements -> Basilica
· Post Preview: #99205
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· Views: 10,011
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Posted on: Jun 17 07, 07:08 |

Babylonian

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
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Hi Lori,
I have such a weakness for cats. Sorry it took me so long to get back, I started another 30 day poem challenge somewhere else, and I need to quit doing them....I seem to love to write, and hate to workshop. This year I have written 200 poems and workshopped maybe 15. I am awful. I loved this poem the first time, and I love the revision. Seven to three on the ings is quite impressive, I would say you are cooking...or You cook!!! Just teasing...I have a couple of minor things, will put them in blue
Jeoffry
He is sleek unto himself, blending onyx and brilliance.
Seven - that magic number - seven times he wreaths his agile frame to the East, ascending on haunch hopes; (I think you can use ascends ) no more, no less.
Toward latent stars he arcs in complementary prayer, and sheaths his domain with spindrifts of nature’s musk. (Love this addition)
Friends frolic in the grassy knoll to mark their place in society then yield to his presence: exercising their position in his kingdom.
He crouches low and slowly advances amongst his camouflaged backdrop; a transient salutation that shadows the pranks of the day…
then quietly sneaks back to the comfort of a cushy couch and moons himself to sleep.
A god made unto himself, he blends onyx and brilliance.
Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter
I enjoyed it very much.....
hope your day is very good
:) brenda |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #98321
· Replies: 19
· Views: 11,668
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Posted on: Jun 17 07, 06:53 |

Babylonian

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
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HI Judi,
I lke the thought of an early morning walk to the beach...the communion of self with nature as the morning stretches to meet the sun....dawn, is my favorite envelope of time, almost sacred, I am an early riser...and generally spend my dawn in my garden with a cup of coffee. Your poem has some great images, of the beach I can visualize the walk, the stooping over selecting the best shells beloved grandchildren. My main comment is to par down the extra verbage...if you wanted it more poem/less prose like. I am going to illustrate with one of the strophes
The sand feels cool and silky, waves lick my toes. I stand, steps follow the the tidal wash strewn with pretty shells.
I hope this helps, I much enjoyed the walk.
:) brenda |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #98317
· Replies: 9
· Views: 7,852
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Posted on: Jun 16 07, 12:05 |

Babylonian

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
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Terry, Lots of variation...formal and more informal...I use the informal below...here is a link to learn more http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CinquainCinquain also has a more specialized meaning. Under the influence of Japanese poetry, the American poet Adelaide Crapsey developed a poetic form she also called a "cinquain." Hers is a short, unrhymed poem of twenty-two syllables, five lines of 2, 4, 6, 8, 2 syllables respectively :) brenda |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun...
· Post Preview: #98295
· Replies: 6
· Views: 7,494
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Posted on: Jun 16 07, 09:32 |

Babylonian

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
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Hi Terry,
I love the serentiy of a riding a bike, when I grew up we lived in the country and I had an old Schwinn, and I would get on and ride across red topped dirt roads, wind blowing in my hair for miles...Your poem reminded me of that feeling of getting away, of being out of pocket, isolated form the day to day responsibilites. Very Cool beans. First, when I copied the poem over to crit, your formatting was lost. I think either center or left alligned would work. I myself have a preference for strophes, but like I said it might just be my preference, I will put my comments below in blue. My main comment is that it needs a trim, perhaps to many likes, and, I, we, yours. I am going to try to trim..
A summer evening cycle
With fly-weary wary eyes we cycle, I in front of you, sometimes side by side we glide, when traffic and level ground allow. not sure you need to say of you or we glide I also would consider starting with We cycle. Starting with a preposition weakens the poem, start with the declarative We cycle.
But only when we leave the tarmacadam'd town, turning down The Grand Canal line,
does that pace and haste all drop away, and you and I we in peace arrive. love the thought of leaving the tarmacadam'd town, what a cool word. This I would invert the sentences, the images before the set marker... perhaps like this We simply cycle on and on together, and it seems together we shall never tire we pass the lock-house by in sleepy Ballycommon,
or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge. s]We do not set[/s] No seta marker to for our return, nor further future goal of any kind. ( would lose either future or further) Hypnotized by the glimmering, and by the water rippling, along this boulevard of towering beauty, beech, oak, birch, chestnut and yew. What glimmers..what type of water..river, lake? I like the nature, I am imaging beautiful lake surrounded by trees
And you and I ride cycleing and for a while wonder ing, if we would ever return, from our summer evening cycle.
I hope that helps, as always these are just suggestions and you can take what you like and flush the rest.. I love the serenity of this poem.
Hope your day is very good
:) brenda |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #98263
· Replies: 8
· Views: 6,360
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Posted on: Jun 16 07, 08:41 |

Babylonian

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
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Hi Terry, Yes sad for the mockingbird..perhaps...just a thought I had. Thank you for my filling my empty box...it is greatly appreciated...can't add the "a" then my count would be off. I almost never write any kind of formed verse. I suck at it. Drive myself crazy with counts and meter, and stresses....makes me insane...For some reason though I like cinquains...so I try on occassion.... thank you for the read and the reply box deposit. I will return the favor. :) brenda QUOTE (Terocon101 @ Jun 15 07, 19:21 )  sing-song sang (a)mockingbird Maybe insert "a" I long for my own song not one borrowed from another song-sing
Hi Brenda,
Its kinda sad this one isn't it? No real crit for you here, but I hate seeing an empty reply box and its the second time I've read it, so I felt I should say something.
Terry |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun...
· Post Preview: #98261
· Replies: 6
· Views: 7,494
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Posted on: Jun 3 07, 20:22 |

Babylonian

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
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Hi Liz,  You Rock Thank you for everything, it will take me some time...hopefully I will get there. wishing you a beautiful summer day :) brenda |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #97507
· Replies: 17
· Views: 8,632
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Posted on: May 17 07, 17:21 |

Babylonian

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
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Hi John,Thanks for stopping back by..and for letting me know I was not crazy, yes I believe before I started participating in poetry forums, I had only met 2 other Brendas, and lately I am tripping on my own name....and for the encouragement... I am stuck on the Im in Love with...line... Te end of year things that come along with 13 year old girls are keeping Mom busy...I am a girl scout leader and we have had a a banquet and a mom and daughter lock in, and my daughter has had band concerts, symphonic band tryouts, extra band practices, off season volleyball, and semester finals, I have been brushing up on my Algebra I lately and lastly...my daughters true love, softball has started in the middle of all of this end of year madness..so my revisions have to wait, QUOTE I'm waiting for the revision. perhaps this weekend. I have some revisions for tattoo also, I have been pondering. I am hopeing to play catch up, I would love if you stop by next week and see if I came up with something more imaginative... hope you have a wonderful day :) brenda Judi,Thank you for the comments and the kind words, both are much appreciated. I am glad you enjoyed my blog, mostly raw feeds, eventually I pick out the better ones and try to develop them. Hope you have a wonderful day :) brenda |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #96215
· Replies: 26
· Views: 10,214
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