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Posted on: Apr 29 16, 17:44 |
Babylonian
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Posts: 97
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Member No.: 5,279
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Glad you enjoyed this. I suspect you are right about Hebridean .... it 'looks right'. I did check on that but didn't find it off the bat so went with the other... but will make that change. Joe QUOTE (Eisa @ Apr 29 16, 15:37 ) Hi Joe,
I really like this, it's filled with things to think on. Like Syl, I'm not familiar with the details, but this hasn't stopped the enjoyment of the read.
Some Hebridian poets can just drop a poem and a hat like that on a cockleshell beach but I had to take a road trip when I was a kid of 34 through eight western states listening to Bonnie Raitt all the way to rolling into a tiny Napa hotel bar for a crystal of Cab.
I think it should be Hebridean in L1. Love the cockleshell beach
Some Clevelanders came in…two couples, and we chatted about snobs and whatnot.
One woman asked me where I came from. I said "Calgary." She asked "Where's that?" I said "Canada." She said "My, you speak very good English."
I suppose l could say that encouraged me to write poetry, but no… just a hint of metaphorical prose on the nose.
Down in the Silver Oak cellar I barrel tasted fruit dreaming roots into wine.
Everyone should visit Napa, really… even if your English is not so good… even if you don't drop a poem in it.
But then you just must head North, eat seafood chowder for lunch in Newport and sleep deep in Oregon trees under a valley of stars.
I like some of your internal rhymes prose on the nose sleep deep
Nice conversational part in the middle.
I really have nothing to nit on first read - just enjoyed
Eira |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
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Posted on: Apr 29 16, 17:40 |
Babylonian
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Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
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QUOTE (greenwich @ Apr 29 16, 14:25 ) Very pleasing. I find this your stellar best. Some many lines are classics ie "I barrel tasted fruit dreaming roots into wine" and "and sleep deep in Oregon trees under a valley of stars". Poems that can elude travel and a sense of the trees are magical. Thanks Greenwich, I appreciate that. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
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Posted on: Apr 29 16, 17:37 |
Babylonian
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Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
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Thanks Psyche, glad you liked this. Napa (Valley) is in California and is arguably the best wine producing area in the country. On the Pacific coast of the USA the states (South to North) are California, Oregon, and Washington. Cleveland in the North East of the USA and on the Great Lakes (basically bordering Canada). I have roots in the Hebrides and have visited, very beautiful. So the poem is a departure from subatomic physics and the Big Bang to 'concrete' memories. I tried to tie-in various things, glad I wrote it which is a good thing to judge one's scribbling. QUOTE (Psyche @ Apr 28 16, 23:07 ) Fascinating poem, critter. As I'm not so familiar with details of the different states of the USA, I can't recognize or relate to places like Napa! Never mind, I've travelled along with your poem and found it all very interesting.
I like the reference at the beginning to Hebridean poets, some of which were indeed excellent. I've been to Scotland but definitely didn't visit those hundreds of small isles...wish I'd had the time. I understand they're incredibly magnificent, in spite of their smallness.
QUOTE (Critter @ Apr 28 16, 03:36 ) Memories of Napa
Some Hebridian poets can just drop a poem and a hat like that on a cockleshell beach but I had to take a road trip when I was a kid of 34 through eight western states listening to Bonnie Raitt all the way to rolling into a tiny Napa hotel bar for a crystal of Cab.
Some Clevelanders came in…two couples, and we chatted about snobs and whatnot.
One woman asked me where I came from. I said "Calgary." She asked "Where's that?" I said "Canada." She said "My, you speak very good English."
I suppose l could say that encouraged me to write poetry, but no… just a hint of metaphorical prose on the nose.<<<<<<<Amusing!! Good.
Down in the Silver Oak cellar I barrel tasted fruit dreaming roots into wine.
Everyone should visit Napa, really… even if your English is not so good… even if you don't drop a poem in it.
But then you just must head North, eat seafood chowder for lunch in Newport and sleep deep in Oregon trees under a valley of stars. <<<<<< OMG, I really feel like doing all that. In another life, maybe.
I have nothing to nit. I like the conversational parts, the advice given and the whole lot!! Thanks for sharing, Syl |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
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Posted on: Apr 28 16, 01:19 |
Babylonian
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Good to see the revision process here. At this point I have just one comment. You use the word "cerebral" in the title and then in L5 you start by writing "I feel...". This would seem an obvious case of that poetical sin of telling, not showing. Now I think we can sometimes show by telling but this is probably a case that might scream "show" ... which you do with the clouds and such. Just something to consider... QUOTE (greenwich @ Apr 2 16, 06:35 ) REVISION 2
Succumbing to an unknown ailment I have finally addressed my fears by talking to ant hills almost as an equal , sometimes more of late. I feel overcome walking in the city; ozone clouds preside as if by the seaside. I cannot tell if my dreams are informing me with their virtual impress, marking me for process into this duality.
REVISION Succumbing to an unknown ailment I have finally addressed my fears almost as an equal , sometimes more of late. I feel overcome walking in the city; into ozone clouds as if by the seaside. I cannot tell if my dreams are informing me with their virtual impress marking me for process into this duality.
ORIGINAL Succumbing to an unknown ailment I have finally addressed my fears almost as an equal , sometimes more of late. I feel aspirated walking in the city; into ozone clouds as if by the seaside. I cannot tell if my dreams are informing me with their virtual impress marking me for process into this duality. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
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Posted on: Apr 15 16, 22:43 |
Babylonian
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QUOTE (greenwich @ Mar 2 16, 11:11 ) Revision I like this content. It seems just a bit fragmented to me, not sure I can help with that. I feel life's roller blades buckling in the concrete. good image, one feels this I've been told I have to work till 75, not sure you need the 'been told' part. as ever I try to tell myself I am somewhere else. The past is a kinder place, presently I'm in San Francisco 1971 maybe try to condense something like The past is kinder like San Francisco 1971... talking to an old timer about the Fillmore Auditorium , he got his priorities right about building better bridges. I like this line
OK here I suggested word pruning ...take or toss Perhaps I am heading towards
being a dual person, a hippie with long blonde hair already thirty two. A proud Mustang owner driving through the canyons, listening on an 8 track player
to "Its a Beautiful Day" with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle, to join the Orange camp fire gathering, to meet my truly intended
by the name of Caroline. We will wed in 1973 and bear a daughter called Celeste.
Oh to be celestially somewhere else where I have willingly passed before yet content for no rebirth. Interesting finish
ORIGINAL
I feel lives roller blades buckling in the concrete. I've been told I have to work till 75, as ever I try to tell myself I am somewhere else. The past is a kinder place, presently I'm in San Francisco 1971 talking to a survivor of the quake, and he got his priorities right about surviving at any cost. Perhaps I am heading towards being a dual person, a hippie with long blonde hair already thirty two. A proud Mustang owner driving through the canyons, listening on a 8 track player to "Its a Beautiful Day" with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle, to join the Orange camp fire gathering, to meet my truly intended by the name of Caroline. We will wed in 1973 and bear a daughter called Celeste. Oh to be celestially somewhere else where I have willingly passed before yet content for no current rebirth. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
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Posted on: Mar 28 16, 12:30 |
Babylonian
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Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
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Thanks Psyche. Nice opening stanza. Yep, we outline constellations, usually with Greek names, but not always. And it's a money-making businnes, as well. One can have one's personal constellations with a few expensive sessions! I understand L5 and L6, but not so much the way you've expressed it. I think about 80 or 90% of the universe is absolute dark matter, as no light is emitted or can penetrate it. I'll read further... I guess what I was getting at was “meaning” and how it emerges from “things”. An image with meaning can emerge from pixels that individually have no connection to the meaning at all. We all try to take meaning from the universe, even the arrangement of stars we see. The stars mean “Big Dipper” or “Southern Cross” to us but viewed from another galaxy these stars would not have this same meaning and probably none at all (no light relates). In the bigger picture we try to take meaning from the “Big bang” as in what’s it all about….
Although Alpha and Omega are of biblical origin, still these terms are used to enclose any period of events, without religious connotations. Somehow the A before This is misleading. Alpha would sound a lot better. You could put Omega later on, maybe with a question mark? It wouldn't mean that this person knows everything in between, just that it's what's generally been studied and/or proven. The Big Bang theory starts with a singularity that explodes. Why 'No thing is singular'? I like your thoughts about constellations on unknown spheres. It would be nice to include those thoughts in your poem. 'Conecting the dots' is great, that's what physicists seem to do...then they suddenly announce that they were wrong! So we're back at a jumble of dots...in this part it appears to me that you're teasing the scientists. Sorry, I haven't come up with any new words or phrases. Just some thoughts.
I see that the “A This” creates confusion. “This” is the universe and some models describe it as an exploding singularity that will eventually end in a fully expanded, fully random, inert thing. I am not certain that I can accept this and suspect that there was a “before” and will be an “after” …but it does not really matter as we deal with our own fleeting “nows” before was and will…So that final strophe is a bit of goofing around with the big concepts (space time matter energy life death) that we live with but don’t really understand…and how we strive to take meaning by connecting-the-dots…just like we take meaning (and make up stories) from random stars. Thanks for those thoughts, I Think the capital “T” may be one step over the line… |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
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Posted on: Mar 28 16, 12:00 |
Babylonian
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Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
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QUOTE (Luce @ Mar 24 16, 18:36 ) The Dogs - Revision I know nothing about narrative poetry or how it is different from poetic prose but this is a good read...has humanity and is pure in its expression. Just a couple of things I noticed...
Billy got four large dogs. Hard to believe but there you are or rather there they were. The dogs, just hair and muscle with goliath paws, jumping like baby goats. They were all over the lawn and all over Billy and him beaming as if he just inherited England. He was never smart and none to (too) rich, still living in the house after his ma died, still working at the gas station.
Nobody knows when he got them. He’s not saying, as if his neighbors would stoop to listen. They’d rather nod (shake?) their heads in disapproval, say tsk, tsk, all served with their morning muffin. Yes, he was known to feed a dog or two or three. But his ma would put a stop to it, called (call) the county for pickup.
Now in the cool of the evening I see Billy playing with his dogs. His grease creased hand throwing the ball, first to one and then to another, each dog getting his share of undying acceptance. The dogs running, jumping, jostling each other and Billy, till they knock him down on the grass. And there he stays laughing, like a child playing in the sunlight, his clothes and face full of hair, wet licks… and love.
Luce
P.S. This is not a strict prose poem but a very loose one. The meter and syllabic count is loose and it's part narrative poem. This is why I posted the poem in the FV section.
Overheard at Denny's Bar - Original
Billy got four large dogs.
What? Noooo. You don’t say.
I do say. Billy got four dogs.
But he’s not working. What’s he thinking?
Pinky.
What?
Pinky. That was her name.
Is that one of the dogs?
Hell no! There ain’t no fog. She died in 83’.
Lee, your hearing aid conked out again? Can you hear me? And who the hell is Pinky?
You know the sea has never appealed to me Ned. it always smelled like pee.
Lee, I think it's time to get some eats You’re in some sort of freakin bog.
You know dogs have always liked me. and I, in turn, like them. I had three. And oh! Did you know?
Billy got four large dogs.
Luce |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
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Posted on: Mar 24 16, 18:05 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Mar 24 16, 15:33 ) Hi Joe,
It's good to see another poem from you. I like this one - the title drew me in straight away.
Just a couple of thoughts on St 2 (very minor nits)
A This emerges from
Is A at the start of this line a typo?
where there was none, like time out of once upon what was gone. No thing is singlular,
spelling - singular
all will pass to come like then and now connecting dots of us and not.
I find the last line a bit abstract/weak. Endings should be memorable.
Hope something here helps
Eira Thanks Eira. ...all the tinkering I did and never caught that spelling typo...eyes are getting bad I guess. The capital T is not (see note above). It is a short poem so I don't mind putting a few odd things in. Greenwich's suggestion would work although not sound-wise imo. I suppose the whole poem is abstract but I do kind of see your point (sounds like 'yes you are/no I'm not) I guess the whole theme of is/not is central and I wanted to relate to the constellation that exists on one plane but perhaps not in another. I appreciate the input and will continue to consider. |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
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Posted on: Mar 24 16, 17:56 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
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QUOTE (greenwich @ Mar 24 16, 12:23 ) Maybe "connecting dots of us and far between"? "of us and not" seems too uncertain for this lunar / evolution voyage. The last Stanza starts with "A This emerges". Is A erroneous or stands for Alpha ? I agree that "far between" would work too, quite well actually with one of the themes. The idea of the constellation's stars making sense in one dimension but really having no relation at all is a hard one to pin down...but it has to do with how we understand things...how the "between" is the meaning we try to understand by connecting points. I see there is some confusion caused by the capital T. There is little we know of the "before" the Big Bang or if the totally expanded, dead/inert, universe is really the end. The in-between is "This" ...if anything deserves a capital letter it is the thing that is all that is... Alpha is a similar term but I am not sure there is such a thing...the pre-Big Bang might be something we don't understand, a world without the things that we know such as time, light, mass, energy... All big questions that are serious but cannot really be treated that way, that is why I put a little goofiness in this. |
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