Sea of Dreams, In unrememberd times Options

[Thoth]

Bushmanland in the Northern Cape was once a vast inland sea. The last vestiges are now enormous salt pans called vloore (Floors) that become swampy after good rain.
Gazing across at the inselbergs rising grandly from the haze, it is not hard to imagine what it may have been like in ancient times when water covered the land in a lake the size of Great Britain.

Hear the whispers of cool waters.
waters once caressed this shore.
Warm winds gently brush the grasses.
waving from a dry sea floor.
Sea that now exists no more.

Taste the spray from crashing breakers,
breakers roll on polished stone.
Salt from dusty whirlwind pillars
ancient spirits dance and roam.
Dance these miraged plains alone.

Feel the storm encrusted skyline,
skyline rent with spears of flame.
Angry tempest, bellows bovine
claims his arid lost domain.
Lost to time, extinct in name.

Watch the inselbergs a-floating
floating rock on sea of cream
Striped dolphinic springbok leaping
shoals of an imagined theme.
Imagined whispers in a dream.



Iinselbergs near Poffader, Northern Cape.

[Peterpan]

Hi Thoth~

As always love the content and the theme.

Are there meant to be 5 lines? What style of poetry is this?

Bev

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Wally, I can almost see the images...almost. Was there a specific reason for the double spacing? Or for the extra large lettering? I felt like I was being hollered at with those big letters.

Hear the whispers of cool waters
waters once caressed this shore.<<<I keep reading a 'that' once caressed...
Feel the warm wind brush the grasses
waving from a dry sea floor.
Sea that now exists no more.<<<I have reread this line several times and it still reads very awkward to me. Feels like your stretching for the rhyme.

Taste the spray from crashing breakers,
breakers roll on polished stone.<<<<again I want to read a 'that' before roll, to make this sound better.
Salt from dusty whirlwind pillars<<<need a comma here...
ancient spirits dance and roam.
Dance these miraged plains alone.

Good play with the contrasts of the sea and the desert.
Steve

[Maggie]

Hi Wally,

Great job of imagining the past! This part of our world brings out your muse, doesn't it?
Very original and appealing rhymes!


I'm a stickler for grammatical correctness, and I see some punctuation errors, so excuse me if that's not your "thing."



Hear the whispers of cool waters (Period after "waters.")
waters once caressed this shore. (Capitalize "waters.")
Feel the warm wind brush the grasses
waving from a dry sea floor.( comma after "floor" instead of period)
Sea that now exists no more. (Don't capitalize "sea.") Unlike Steve, I like this line.)


Taste the spray from crashing breakers,(Period instead of comma.)
breakers roll on polished stone.(Capitalize "Breakers.")
Salt from dusty whirlwind pillars (Since this is a fragment, I suggest a dash after "pillars")
ancient spirits dance and roam.(Capitalize "Ancient." Comma after "roam" instead of period)
Dance these miraged plains alone. ( Don't capitalize "dance.")


Watch the storm encrusted skyline,
skyline rent with spears of flame.
Angry tempest, bellows bovine ( Is the tempest "bellowing"? Meaning not clear to me.)
claims his arid lost domain.
Lost to time, extinct in name.( Is the tempest or the bovine lost to time? I'm sorry, but this isn't clear to me.)


Rocky inselbergs are floating (comma after "floating")
floating on a sea of green (period after "green")
Striped dolphinic springbok leaping (comma after "striped")
shoals of an imagined theme.(Comma after "theme" instead of period)
Imagined whispers in a dream.(Don't capitalize "imagined.")


I enjoyed your imaginary visit with a prehistoric past!!!
Peggy

[Thoth]

Hello Bev,
Thanks for those kind words, Permit me to explain?
it is intened to be a five line form with a,b,a,b,b pattern.
The first line is written in trochaic tetrameter ;

Hear the / whispers / of cool / waters
(DUM-di / DUM-di / DUM-di / DUM-di) (10syll)
Trochee / Trochee / Trochee / Trochee

this is sometimes called a falling or feminine metre which gives a gentle voice,
The alternate lines ends with an iamb so the metre can read either as;


Waters / once care / ssed this / shore
(DUM-di / DUM-di / DUM-di DUM) (9 syll)
Trochee / Trochee / Cretic


Still falling metre, the last foot is a minor keyed voice.


OR;

An / cient spir/ its dance /and roam.
(DUM / di-DUM / di-DUM / di-DUM)
Headless /Iamb / Iamb / Iamb


Headless iambic which is a rising or masculine metre, a major key.


In this way, the poet can shift moods very rapidly within the strophe for effect or balance. It also opens up a whole range of rhyme words which would otherwise be limited.


The fifth line is a re-enforcement of the idea or imagery presented in the strophe and serves to slow the pace down allowing the readers thoughts time to settle. (much like the last couplet of a sonnet)


OK, so that’s just my view, I don’t know what the form is officially called, perhaps someone better schooled than me could tell us?

Hugs, Wally

[Thoth]

Dear Steve,
Thank you for popping in and those comments. Sorry, the spacing was a resuly of editor effects when pasting in, I shal crorrect it. Perhaps you are trying read iambically, thus the tendency to look for the extra syllable. (The first syllable is always stressed.)

"That" is simply a joining word and is implied anyway, inserting it would add nothing to the poem and in this case upset the metre.

I'm glad the contrasting flashes between sea and desert came through, thanks for the observation.

Best regards,
Wally

[Thoth]

Hi Peggy,
What would I do without you and Lori , Amethyst and the others who help me with these things. R&M I can do but my grammar and spelling are shameful so I use a spell checker and and my friends. Please, feel free to correct me in these matters, I do appreciate it

I confess I spent some time pondering how to punctuate this one, and clearly still got it wrong!

Hugs, Wally.

[Maggie]

Hi Wally,

I am more than glad to assist in such a fine and worthy endeavor!!

Peggy

[Dee]

Well, I just love this piece! Truly. It is beautiful.

I only have one question...

Why the use of bovine? I talked with a coworker and after she explained it to me, I understood it better, but it's still awkward to me in reference to a storm.

Other than that little trip-up, the poem is perfect as far as I'm concerned. And... since I'm the only one that mentioned it, you should probably leave it. lol

Just so you know, I'm fast becoming a huge fan of your work. Do you have anything published??

Dee

PS It so cool how you include the pics!

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Wally, you become too prolifict for me to keep up with which ones I have read and which ones I have not...lol. I appreciate the insight to the rythym of this piece. I t definitly makes more sense now.
Steve

[pixordia]

Hi Wally:
I love this poem and how you have used the images of an ancient sea with a dolphinic
springbok.
The desert in Australia was once an inland sea I believe.
I loved your description of the rhyme scheme and form and will come back to study it again.
I also wondered about the reference to bovine so will look forward to your reply on that.
It is true - your Muse comes alive in the a natural setting.

[Thoth]

Hi Dee,
Thanks for reading and your appreciated comments. Apart from a poem in my daughters book called "Elephant Footprints" and a "sucker poem" in an anthology (I did actually get the book), no I have never been published. I have only been writing for about 6 years and that is why each new poem is an experiment for me, testing form and techniques. The only ones the same are my sonnets and these too use very different techniques and subject matter so are all prototypes really. A typical engineers approach I guess!

Regarding "Bovine", one searches for superlatives to describe an African storm without sounding cliched. The imagery I had in mind here was that of a charging buffalo, black as thunder, kicking up dust and bellowing defiance at the world. Perhaps not the kind of thing everyone has seen even with TV and movies so the metaphor might be too localized for all to catch.

Aloha , Suz
Thanks for visiting and as always your perspectives. Africa and Australia have a lot in common geographically and these inland seas are very well known, particularly conspicuous in desert regions. Clearly the charging bull image evaded you as well and that from a ranch girl! See, that is why we need forums like this.

And Steve too, glad you found the explanation interesting. Not textbook stuff, so don't take it too seriously coming from me.

Wally

[Dee]

Poetic prototypes. *grin* Interesting explanation. I like it.

However...

You do have a graceful talent here and I would highly recommend you commence with the publishing! I want to buy a book!! *smile*

Dee (aka a fan)

[Thoth]

Aw Deeeee!
You flatter me unashamedly my dear! Sadly outside of vanity press or the expensive route of self publishing (which is beyond my means), we all know publishing of poetry and more particulary rhyme is well neigh impossible these days unless the author is already well known. A Catch 22!

[Dee]

Difficult, maybe. Impossible? No. Get yourself a Poet's Market and look for someone to submit to post haste. You are a photographer, right? I can suggest a publisher to you...

Let me pm you... make sure you check your messages.