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Posted on: Aug 5 14, 03:08 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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Wally,
As a simple rhymer I seldom (if ever) write anything thought provoking. That does not mean I can't appreciate reading the same. Good work.
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #135276
· Replies: 12
· Views: 4,497
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Posted on: Aug 5 14, 02:41 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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Hi Jerry,
I enjoyed your cowboy humour. Story telling is an art which I must admit to not being good at.
Thanks again.. Keith the happy chappy |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #135275
· Replies: 6
· Views: 3,641
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Posted on: Aug 5 14, 02:28 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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Hi Lorri,
as usual, I enjoy your writing and find it alien enough to my own style to feel inept as a critiquer. As you seem to be unhappy with line three I'll stick to that. How about dropping "she'd" and simply putting "a" before "moments?" Whatever, I like it as is.
Keith the happy chappy |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #135274
· Replies: 8
· Views: 3,439
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Posted on: Aug 5 14, 01:55 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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I've read some great poetry and once or twice been moved thereby. This though, is my cup of tea. I do enjoy reading nonsense and wish I was better at writing the same.
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #135273
· Replies: 10
· Views: 5,416
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Posted on: Oct 28 13, 02:10 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
Hi Maureen,
You are a natural story teller (far better than simply being clever with words). I enjoyed this very much, thank you. I don't feel competent to critique prose except where there are obvious bad-day type cock-ups. Certainly none here. The narrative was well timed and I love the way you built up to the punch line.
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Short Stories & Chapters for Critique ->...
· Post Preview: #133563
· Replies: 6
· Views: 10,115
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Posted on: Oct 27 13, 16:45 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
Hello Wally,
Thanks so much for your time and effort here. I really needed a critical eye cast over this old piece as I was too close to see things myself. I'll post an update soon, based on those useful pointers.
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #133558
· Replies: 2
· Views: 3,528
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Posted on: Oct 26 13, 20:42 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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First Edit..
The cleverest of beings, she knew well what’s best for all, to keep herself from boredom, just acquired a living doll.
George Knightley spoke of warning signs, as did his brother John but Emma understood much more and simply carried on.
Acquaintance of her toy improved, along with poise and grace, had made the simple lass believe great love was commonplace.
The mentor still improved things 'till she split their worlds apart and only then discovered that she knew not, her own heart.
Original Posting..
The cleverest of beings, she knows well what’s best for all, to keep herself from boredom, just procured a living doll.
George Knightley spoke of warning signs and likewise brother John, but Emma knew much better still and simply carried on.
Her friend's acquaintance was improved, she gave both poise and grace, convinced her that the greatest love would not be out of place.
She continued to improve things till she split their worlds apart. That’s when she first discovered that she knew not, her own heart. |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #133530
· Replies: 2
· Views: 3,528
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Posted on: Oct 26 13, 20:38 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
Thanks Larry,
It certainly feels much more finished now. Its amazing how I can look and ponder at what's on the page and although I know its not quite right, can't see the wood for the trees. Oh yes, I edited the title, just to see if I understood your instructions. I couldn't see it before because I used "Quick Edit."
the happy chappy |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #133529
· Replies: 7
· Views: 3,835
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Posted on: Oct 25 13, 21:45 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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To paint words blue is a mistake In doleful thoughts to ruminate on woeful ways. There's beauty in a world of light where every dream is clear and bright, for sunny days
Now if you see us down the street where happy people come to meet and congregate Remember it is always true that there's a place reserved for you so don't be late. |
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Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing
· Post Preview: #133528
· Replies: 132
· Views: 130,598
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Posted on: Oct 25 13, 21:23 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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When rowing a boat on the lake entranced by the ripples we make reflections of sun can cause us to run into unseen rocks by mistake. |
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Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing
· Post Preview: #133526
· Replies: 3390
· Views: 284,211
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Posted on: Oct 22 13, 08:42 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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hello Leigh Ann,
'Tis a fine thing when new friends meet. I'm newly returned myself, from way back. I look forward to interaction on the boards. (I'm a simple rhymer.)
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Introduce Yourself
· Post Preview: #133478
· Replies: 4
· Views: 6,640
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Posted on: Oct 22 13, 01:03 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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Hi Larry,
Thanks for dropping by again, you have given me a lot to think about. I'm especially fond of the simplicity of sibling. Talk about not seeing wood for trees.
This is beginning to look like a useful exercise. I was ready to throw away all those dire poems of my earliest writings. There were medical reasons concentration was impossible, I couldn't even read normal prose. I started writing simply as an exercise to keep my mind active.
Unfortunately, although my writing was so bad, the subject matter (Jane Austen, her novels and characters) was very dear to me. I would have been ashamed now to exhibit this one in its original form (what you saw was already reworked, losing three verses in doing so). I am now inclined to continue looking to see what might be salvaged from the old crop.
Don't worry, I'll not post them all.
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #133473
· Replies: 7
· Views: 3,835
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Posted on: Oct 21 13, 01:40 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
Well,
I couldn't wait any longer for suggestions or pointers. so I put on my thinking cap and decided to have a go myself. The only verse to escape treatment is the deliberately simplistic last verse. I hope this is an improvement but considering where I was starting from, that should not be hard. Thanks again for the heads up Larry.
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #133465
· Replies: 7
· Views: 3,835
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Posted on: Oct 18 13, 20:41 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
Hi Maureen,
Thanks for your good opinion but no, I have never been tempted to return o the subject of politics - too depressing. I have several times considered writing about my father's war experiences but concluded that my knowledge of day to day conditions is inadequate to do proper justice. I do write a fair number of poems on the fairy tale aspect though, like this one...
The Sacrifice
The sword was from its scabbard drawn and thrust into the air. The knight was now a foolish pawn in taking up this dare.
He stood alone against a dragon to save a pretty maid, without suspecting aught was wrong, the trap was so well laid.
The village knew it would not wait, the monster had it's price. The maiden purely used as bait, the knight, the sacrifice
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Poetry Exhibition -> Plato's Pearls of Wisdom
· Post Preview: #133443
· Replies: 4
· Views: 9,789
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Posted on: Oct 18 13, 16:09 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
Larry,
The rule with me is simple. I never take offense and am always open to suggestions or critiques, even in a challenge or continuing thread of any kind. Tell it straight, even if you think it may hurt. I promise it won't.
I hold my hand up to that thoughtless word. I was thinking Philia or Phileo. It may have been a Freudian slip because to an extent Casandra was like a mother to Jenny. On the other hand it may be more appropriate to think in terms of Storge. (There's no excuse for me, I'm part of an organization that has us begin with Agape for all, widening out to Phillia for our spiritual brothers and sisters.)
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #133439
· Replies: 7
· Views: 3,835
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Posted on: Oct 18 13, 15:25 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
The applying of bandages now is something that time must allow for when a bone breaks or ribcage just aches, need's must, is for one who knows how. |
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Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing
· Post Preview: #133438
· Replies: 3390
· Views: 284,211
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Posted on: Oct 17 13, 17:13 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
Apologies: I didn't spot that critique has to be asked for with star treatment Consider this ***+ I'm afraid I can't see how to edit into the title.
second edit, 22nd October - tried o recapture original "nursery rhyme" feel, dropped inappropriate anger
Cassandra and her Jenny could not dwell long apart, they shared the same bedchamber and beating of one heart.
When parted they wrote letters where sibling love would shine. In every sentence written, sweet laughter flowed like wine.
Cassandra's love for Jenny was in the end employed, for fondness of her sister those letters were destroyed.
No picking over missives the author left behind. No setting on that pathway to search into her mind.
Cassandra loved her Jenny, she loved her true and long, continued still to love her when life itself was gone.
First edit
Cassandra and her Jenny would not dwell long apart, shared the same bedchamber, the beating of one heart.
When parted there were letters where storge love could shine, carried in each sentence, laughter like new wine.
Cassandra's love for Jenny was in the end employed, for fondness of her sister those letters were destroyed.
No vultures now can pick bones the author left behind, venture down that twisted path to search into her mind.
Cassandra loved her Jenny, loved her true and long, continued still to love her when life itself was gone.
Original post
Cassandra and her Jenny, would not dwell long apart; they shared the same bedchamber, likewise each other's heart.
When parted they wrote letters, where filial love could shine; in every sentence written, sweet laughter flowed like wine.
Cassandra loved her Jenny; (the world would be annoyed), for fondness of a sister, those letters were destroyed.
No vultures now pick at bones the author left behind; venture down that twisted path to search into her mind.
Cassandra loved her Jenny, loved her true and long; continued still to love her when life itself was gone. |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #133430
· Replies: 7
· Views: 3,835
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Posted on: Oct 17 13, 16:32 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
Snug under the covers I go to a world which no one can know. then slide down the bed sheet over my head as outside its twenty below. |
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Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing
· Post Preview: #133429
· Replies: 3390
· Views: 284,211
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Posted on: Oct 17 13, 15:49 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
Is there in point of fact a muse set to accuse or yet excuse, an approbation? need I concur to win life's prize or realize what else applies in rhyme creation.
To ponder this might one be blessed forsaking rest to pass a test through aggravation. The poet's world one of romance, the slightest chance, will make words dance in animation.
The life existing on a page, not to enrage but just engage so take your station. Now drink your fill of verse today of forms that play and almost pray, emancipation.. |
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Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing
· Post Preview: #133428
· Replies: 132
· Views: 130,598
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Posted on: Oct 17 13, 10:12 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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Hi Lori,
The above poem was the one I posted at the time.
I can't help identify the site though, I drifted in and out of at least half a dozen over a 4 or 5 year period.
I initially started writing poetry because my physical problems affected my concentration and I had to give up reading altogether. It was my way of trying to keep the brain active. There was something in the rhythm, that allowed me to even comment on other people's verses.
As to posting to non crit. forums, nay I'd rather have honest feedback.
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Monthly Challenges -> Pandora's Box
· Post Preview: #133418
· Replies: 63
· Views: 61,893
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Posted on: Oct 15 13, 18:42 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
|
Sun... bakes earth. Summer rain... and plants rebirth. Autumn smells, sweet gain , sky bright through morning mist, jubilation of the dawn. Dew abounds, flowers all are kissed. Nears the time Jack Frost will have his fun.
It came about, bleakest winter fell, hoary world without taste or smell. Biting cold covers everything, yields to a happy spring. Hope abounds anew, nothing to do, only smile the while through. |
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Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing
· Post Preview: #133417
· Replies: 348
· Views: 129,809
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Posted on: Oct 15 13, 18:23 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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two combs, adorn her brush replete with hair, there gleaned. removed the echo of my crush, once cleaned. |
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Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing
· Post Preview: #133416
· Replies: 2685
· Views: 196,118
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Posted on: Oct 15 13, 17:59 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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A workout may seem like great fun with push-ups or maybe a run but when one gets home, inclined not to roam for damage to health has been done. |
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Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing
· Post Preview: #133415
· Replies: 3390
· Views: 284,211
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Posted on: Oct 15 13, 17:36 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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On a lighter note, here's an old one that will be topical again soon. the happy chappy
Firnham Wood The day dawned bright with autumn gold where slits of light cut through the wold, bright flowers stood. A blessing rang of bird and song as waters lapped the while along by Firnham Wood.
At length red flame turned indigo the moon appeared a distant glow where blackness fell. In shifting shades of eerie light that pressed the silence of the night, a lonely bell. There in the pitch of midnight dark reflecting on the hoary bark, a flickered flame. As to and fro it cast about grotesque girations that standout, in this timeframe. When shadows take on shades of life and sounds are tremblings of strife, so we believe. No other date within the year can fill the darkness with such fear, All Hallows Eve.
Now homeward bound, the churchbell rings, caught by a draft it once more swings in dawn's grey light. That cast off cigarette burned slow, the fire it lit, a furtive glow, to all, goodnight. |
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Forum: Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing
· Post Preview: #133414
· Replies: 132
· Views: 130,598
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Posted on: Oct 14 13, 19:11 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 62
Joined: 30-September 13
Member No.: 5,188
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Hi Maureen,
I found this quite hard on first read but that was all my problem. I'm used to reading and writing snappier poetry with shorter lines. I was well reworded for a second read and even inclined to go over it a third time. My goodness, it was better still.
What a colorful family outing you portray here. The language and grammar never fail to entertain. Oh, by the way, once I got into it I really loved the rhythm with the shorter fourth line tying the verses together, so well.
Keith, the happy chappy |
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Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -...
· Post Preview: #133401
· Replies: 2
· Views: 2,687
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