HER NAME WAS AMADAHY – FOREST WATER ***Revised version, free verse Options

[Maureen]

I am a bit partial to writing poetry with a historical theme or a story to it and usually stick to Aboriginal tales but in this instance the story of the Cherokee stirred me to write.

Thank you kind folks for your suggestions most of which I have used to some degree here.

HER NAME WAS AMADAHY – FOREST WATER …. Revised Version
Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet


The last nine inch nail
was pounded home
into rough hewn pine.
White camas flowers
fresh picked
still holding the dew’s tear drop
were softly placed.

As dawn’s soft light
crept over the hills
he pushed the canoe out
into the silver water
starting its journey to the shadow land
where the water and pale sky merge.

In the ancient rite of the Chinook he pleaded
“Oh great spirit
whose voice I hear in the winds
welcome her without shame
for she is small and weak.

Kloshe kahkwa” (Amen)

HER NAME WAS AMADAHY – FOREST WATER
Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet


The last nine inch nail was pounded home
into the rough hewn pine and angle iron
as it rested across the thwarts.
.
He placed a spray of white camas flowers.
They were fresh picked this morning
and still pristine, with a dew drop tear.

As the silver water and pale sky merged - horizonless
he pushed the dinghy out into the ripples,
starting its journey to the shadow land.

Into the light it drifted,
in the ancient rite of the Chinook people
as he begged
“Oh great spirit
whose voice I hear in the winds
welcome her without shame
for she is small and weak.

Kloshe kahkwa” (Amen)

[RC James]

Maureen - This is also an ancient Viking ceremony. Well done, my only suggestion is you change "begged" to something like "intoned" - begged doesn't have the dignity the occasion seems to demand. Well done. Richard

[Luce]

It's very moving but it can be stronger if you made it tighter with stronger attention to sonics and rhythm. I also think the stress should be on the emotions here that bind us and not on culture which has a tendency to separate people.

HER NAME WAS AMADAHY – FOREST WATER

Perhaps a more intriguing title like: The Death of Forest Water.

The last nine inch nail was pounded home
into the rough hewn pine and angle iron
as it rested across the thwarts.

I would cut the unnecessary words. It makes the sonics more noticeable in the stanza:

"The last nail was pounded home
into the rough pine and angle iron
as it rested across the thwarts.".

He placed a spray of white camas flowers.
They were fresh picked this morning
and still pristine, with a dew drop tear.

Again, cut out the unnecessary descriptions.

"He placed a spray of white flowers
still pristine...."

Good sonics with "dew drop tear" but I'm not crazy about it for two reasons:

1. I'm not sure if the tear comes from the dew or the man and why just one?
2. A little to melodramatic in wording for me.

As the silver water and pale sky merged - horizonless
he pushed the canoe dinghy out into the ripples,
starting its journey to the shadow land.

Again, I would tighten it. Note, I made some line break & word suggestions.

"As the water and sky merged
he pushed the canoe dinghy out into the ripples.
Their journey to the shadow land begun.


Into the light (What kind of light? Dawn?) they drifted it drifted,
And in the ancient rite of the Chinook people their peopleas he begged
“Oh Great Spirit
whose voice I hear in the winds
welcome her without shame
for she is small and weak.

Kloshe kahkwa” (Amen)

In the end, it's a poem about a man burying a loved one (probably a child). Let that come through stronger then where it comes from. There's enough hints that it comes from another culture -a Native American one. You can put the historical details in bottom notes if you wish.

Luce

[K.S. Lenk]

I would agree with Luce on most points she raises.
I get strong undertones of Disney's Pocahontas.

So sorry Maureen.

Regards,
K

[weaver]

Hello!
This is a very cool poem / prayer. I loved a lot of it, but it could be honed to be even more poignant. Suggestions below, Cheers W:

The last nine inch nail was pounded home
into the rough hewn pine
angle iron rested across the thwarts.
.
He placed a spray of white camas flowers.
fresh picked in mourning
pristine, with a dew drop tear.

As the silver water and pale sky merged
he pushed the dinghy out into the ripples,
a journey to the shadow land.

Into the light it drifted,
in the ancient rite
of the Chinook people
he begged

“Oh great spirit
whose voice I hear in the winds
welcome her without shame
for she is small and weak."

Kloshe kahkwa” (Amen)