Empty Bench (revised), poem about Grace's empty bench Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

I was thinking about the picture of Grace's bench that she used for the Flash-Jam and this poem emerged.



Empty Bench (revised, thanks for all suggestions)

I sit alone
on unloved bench;
heavy silence,
suffocating.

Missing wooden slat,
gaping wound;
mirrors black void deep
within my core.

Cold, empty space beside me
filled with longing
for bygone times -
when love and laughter
were welcome companions,
warming our days,
spicing our nights.

Wispy images
drift through my mind:
sensual harmony
and passion’s magic;
delightfully discovered
in this hidden enclave.

Memories lie scattered -
like crumbling autumn leaves;
fallen lifeless
to the ground:
dust beneath my feet.

Alone, I cry…

-----------------------------------


Empty Longing (original)

I sit alone
on unloved bench;
heavy silence,
pressing down.

Missing wooden slat,
wrenched asunder,
mirrors black void deep
within my core.

Cold, empty space beside me
is filled with longing
for bygone times;
when love and laughter
were welcome companions,
warming our days,
spicing our nights.

Wispy images
drift through my mind:
sensual harmony
and passion’s magic;
delightfully discovered
in this hidden enclave.

Memories lie scattered -
crumbling autumn leaves;
fallen lifeless
to the ground:
dust beneath my feet.

I cry alone…

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Good morning, Nina.

All the usual {this} and [that] and a bit of (the other) and, as always, As You Like It. Think I'll have to get a rubber electronic stamp for all that. Anyway to the real stuff...

All the best, J.

Well done for this - pleased it inspired you, too.

Empty Longing (A tad weak? - "Empty Seat" be stronger?)

I sit alone
on unloved bench;
heavy silence,
pressing down. (tad cliche?)

Missing wooden slat,
wrenched asunder, (eh? More like rotted?)
mirrors black void deep
within my core.

(I can see why the slat has to be wrenched - for the next two lines - but didn't quite work for me).

Cold, empty space beside me
{is} filled with longing
for bygone times{;}[-]
when love and laughter
were welcome companions, (excellent)
warming our days,
spicing our nights. (excellent 2)

(Great verse)

Wispy images
drift through my mind:
sensual harmony
and passion’s magic; (great phrase)
delightfully discovered (excellent allit)
in this hidden enclave.

(Yep and that one)

Memories lie scattered -
crumbling autumn leaves;
fallen lifeless
to the ground:
dust beneath my feet.

(bordering on pf but I think the right side and works really well)

I cry alone…

(Big punch but maybe a tad cliche? I may be mistaken - I have a famous book "We die alone" and I may be confusing the two)

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina!

Such a sad poem, the emotion is very strong.  I can really
see the wooden bench with one missing slat ...

I think the only thing I might change would be:

Cold, empty space beside me
{is} filled with longing
for bygone times;

I would omit "is".

You have painted a bittersweet picture of loving memories
causing longing and loneliness.  Well done!

Cathy

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

That bench does conjure some forlorn impressions. Excellent inspiration.

I think I agree with James (don't faint, James - sit down and put your head between your knees) about the 'wrenched' slat; decayed/rotten would be more 'real' ?

The central stanzas are fantastic.
I particularly love:

Wispy images
drift through my mind:
sensual harmony
and passion’s magic;
delightfully discovered
in this hidden enclave.

The last line is poignant, but perhaps (agreeing again, James) a little predictable ...

I'm not sure if there is a good solution, but maybe rearranging the verse might help?

eg

Autumnal leaves lie
withered [beneath feet ?];
like my memories
crumbling to dust.

Just one possible re-casting.  

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

All the best, J.

Well done for this - pleased it inspired you, too.
thanks and thanks to Grace for a very strong, powerful image.

Empty Longing (A tad weak? - "Empty Seat" be stronger?)
Ok, will have to rethink the title.

I sit alone
on unloved bench;
heavy silence,
pressing down. (tad cliche?)
hmmm


Missing wooden slat,
wrenched asunder, (eh? More like rotted?)
mirrors black void deep
within my core.

(I can see why the slat has to be wrenched - for the next two lines - but didn't quite work for me).
I imagined that perhaps part of the slat had rotted but because it was missing completely, someone must have pulled the rest of it off to leave that gap, rather than a partial space.


Cold, empty space beside me
{is} filled with longing
for bygone times{;}[-]
when love and laughter
were welcome companions, (excellent)
warming our days,
spicing our nights. (excellent 2)

(Great verse)
thanks

Wispy images
drift through my mind:
sensual harmony
and passion’s magic; (great phrase)
delightfully discovered (excellent allit)
in this hidden enclave.

(Yep and that one)
thanks again

Memories lie scattered -
crumbling autumn leaves;
fallen lifeless
to the ground:
dust beneath my feet.

(bordering on pf but I think the right side and works really well)
phew!

I cry alone…

(Big punch but maybe a tad cliche? I may be mistaken - I have a famous book "We die alone" and I may be confusing the two)
I was trying to link back to the first line "I sit alone".  Not sure about the dying/crying cliche half the time I don't notice cliches anyway or else everything seems to be a cliche and I get very muddled.

thanks for your comments and suggestions which I will mull over later.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

Such a sad poem, the emotion is very strong.  I can really
see the wooden bench with one missing slat ...
thanks, Grace took quite some photo.

I think the only thing I might change would be:

Cold, empty space beside me
{is} filled with longing
for bygone times;

I would omit "is".
thanks, will change it on the revision.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

That bench does conjure some forlorn impressions. Excellent inspiration.
it does indeed and yes a brilliant inspiration.

I think I agree with James (don't faint, James - sit down and put your head between your knees) about the 'wrenched' slat; decayed/rotten would be more 'real' ?
LOL, with both of you agreeing, I guess I'll have to listen and  rethink the line.

The central stanzas are fantastic.
I particularly love:

Wispy images
drift through my mind:
sensual harmony
and passion’s magic;
delightfully discovered
in this hidden enclave.
thanks, much appreciated.

The last line is poignant, but perhaps (agreeing again, James) a little predictable ...
oh dear, twice in one poem, ok rethink number two.

I'm not sure if there is a good solution, but maybe rearranging the verse might help?

eg

Autumnal leaves lie
withered [beneath feet ?];
like my memories
crumbling to dust.

Just one possible re-casting.  
not sure about the rearrangement.

Thanks for your help and suggestions.



Nina

[Guest_Billydo_*]

I enjoyed this. I thought that the missingness, emptiness, longingness of it was compelling but it disappeared rather than 'was juxtaposed' in the second half or the poem and it cooled it off for me.

Does that make sense? I got used to the missingness and missed it...

until

I cry alone.

I'm not sure if that was good or not!

I'll have to come back to this. It has made me think, so that must be good. Thanks.


Cheers

Mike



[i]

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Mike

I enjoyed this. I thought that the missingness, emptiness, longingness of it was compelling but it disappeared rather than 'was juxtaposed' in the second half or the poem and it cooled it off for me.

Does that make sense? I got used to the missingness and missed it...

until

I cry alone.

I understand what you are saying.  I did feel that I needed to show what the narrator was missing, but perhaps I need to expand that last line to bring home more the loneliness.  What do you think?

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Mike

I enjoyed this. I thought that the missingness, emptiness, longingness of it was compelling but it disappeared rather than 'was juxtaposed' in the second half or the poem and it cooled it off for me.

Does that make sense? I got used to the missingness and missed it...

until

I cry alone.

I understand what you are saying.  I did feel that I needed to show what the narrator was missing, but perhaps I need to expand that last line to bring home more the loneliness.  What do you think?

Thanks for your comments Mike, much appreciated.

Nina

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Nina

I think the starkness of the last line works well.

Perhaps if the memories were more 'busy' with togetherness ... how do you do that though?

Hmmm!

Mike

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Mike

I think the starkness of the last line works well.
thanks


Perhaps if the memories were more 'busy' with togetherness ... how do you do that though?
I've no idea and I'm not even sure I understand what you mean.

Nina

[Cybele]

Hello nina,

I am not here to offer a crit, you have plenty of help in that direction, and too many cooks....

Just to say that I am very pleased that the bench inspired you. It certainly inspired me enough to photograph it.

As to the missing slat, I think you are absolutely right. There is no sign whatever of it there now, so perhaps it was vandalised and then removed completely for safety's sake. I think if it had rotted there would be signs of rot on the remaining slats and that is not the case.

I shall watch with interest the developments here nina. Good luck with it.  :pharoah2

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

Just to say that I am very pleased that the bench inspired you. It certainly inspired me enough to photograph it.  
thanks  :grinning:

As to the missing slat, I think you are absolutely right. There is no sign whatever of it there now, so perhaps it was vandalised and then removed completely for safety's sake. I think if it had rotted there would be signs of rot on the remaining slats and that is not the case.
exactly.  I'm so pleased you agree with me.


I shall watch with interest the developments here nina. Good luck with it.  
at the moment, I'm not quite sure how to move forward with the poem, with regard to revision, but hopefully something will come to me that will improve it.

thanks for posting the photo, it was very inspirational.

Nina

[Guest_ferns_*]

Hi Nina.  Yes, that bench is very provocative.  I am going to visit the flash and see what comes out..

Your poem is full of feelings.  I love it!  For the missing slat debate....hmm


Missing wooden slat,
wrenched asunder,  <--- agree this might need help. what if you just took it out? or reverse those
mirrors black void deep      lines?
within my core.

As for your last line,

I cry alone    

You know cliches often work.  I would not change this but perhaps, "Alone, I cry".

regards,

ferns

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Susan

Yes, that bench is very provocative.  I am going to visit the flash and see what comes out..
It is a very strong image indeed.  I'm looking forward to reading whatever comes out from this Flash and of course next Saturday there will be another one posted.  They are such good fun to do.

Missing wooden slat,
wrenched asunder,  <--- agree this might need help. what if you just took it out? or reverse those
mirrors black void deep      lines?
within my core
As everyone seems to be in agreement about wrenched asunder, I will change it.  Perhaps leaving it out all together might be the easiest option.

As for your last line,

I cry alone    

You know cliches often work.  I would not change this but perhaps, "Alone, I cry".
thanks, I really like your suggestion for the last line and will definitely adopt it.

Thanks for your help, it is much appreciated.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

I have made some revisions which I hope are an improvement.  Thanks to everyone for your helpful suggestions.

Nina

[Siren]

Dearest Nina,

This is such a touching poem... Your revisions really brought this out, made it more impactful... The loneliness and sense of loss so strong it grabs you.

Impeccable read.

Hugs
Dani

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks Dani



I'm pleased you like the revision and that it has a strong impact on you.

Impeccable read.
wow, thanks, much appreciated

Hugs

Nina