Nonchalant, inhumane Options

[Siren]

Auburn waves slap her round face.
Lips and cheeks
are formed into lopsided shapes
by strong summer winds,
as the dried barren landscape rushes by.

Almond eyes are shut tight against
fogs of man-made sandstorms,
and cheeks feel hot and grainy.
Her pointy tongue held captive
by ball-shaped-lemony bonbon.

Her car glides through the storm,
its wheels pounding the bared streets.
Human rubble loiter the alleyways,
as the heat strokes their bodies into oblivion.

She rolls her bonbon
blasts on the airconditioning
and glides away.

[Alan]

Dear Dani,

Powerful images. The rich dismissing the rabble.

Only nit - by strong- summer- winds, - no - after strong. And no space before winds.

Love
Alan

[Sekhmet]

Oh Siren - What a great word picture!
Favourite lines -
Human rubble loiter the alleyways,
as the heat strokes their bodies into oblivion.

A couple of tiny puces (For non French speakers - fleas)

Auburn waves slap her round face Full stop here perhaps?
lips and cheeks Upper case L for lips?
are formed into lopsided shapes
by strong summer winds,
as the dried barren landscape rushes by.

Auburn waves slap her round face.
Lips and cheeks
are formed into lopsided shapes
by strong summer winds,
as the dried barren landscape rushes by.

[4rum]

Morning Siren;

I stumbled on the first line as well on the first reading. Once I read and assimilated the first stanza I was ok with the comma. That's all.

This is a strong contemporary write. While a lot of us seek the safety of historical record when we write, you dive right in to issues most of have faced to some degree. Your character is made to seem somewhat uncaring and unkind, so she can't be you. This tells us that you have good understanding and insight into the subject of your poem.

Unlike your character, I was unable to "glide away". The images are rather haunting. The contrasts you portray certainly give one pause.

'rum

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Dani, a wonderfully descriptive piece, the princess and the poor pod people. Very haunting images...sort of I'm rich and your not ho-hum what a hum drum...I too find it hard to just 'glide away.

Steve

[Siren]

Hey Alan,

I am glad you liked this. Actually, this started off witht the first two Stanzas and I left it for a few days not knowing which route to take with it, but then it continued itself.

Thanks for the nits. I editted it accordingly.

hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Hey Leo,

I love your "puces"... and adore the fact that you found favorite lines in this. I editted it accordingly and thank you deeply...

Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Hello Sam,

I am truly enjoying our interactions.

Her character is one I have seen, sadly enough, a lot this past summer. The contrasts in the streets of Beirute are staggering. I actually didn't plan on where to go with this and the idea sort of wrote itself. Perhaps the images are too vivid in my mind and my joy in knowing that it flows clearly is overwhelming.

Looking forward to more ahead.

Thank you for dropping by

Dani

[Siren]

Sweet Steve,

Life is full of contrasts and I am actually proud of how this came along. I am also overjoyed in seeing you "up and about" ... You're always a welcome commentator.

Hope to see you held back in more of my work. Don't want you to glide through them, ever.

Dani