Unmother, REVISED Options

[Guest_ferns_*]

Unmother  (REVISED)

(From the flash exercise)

REVISED:  Thanks to you all for your help.  Especially to Jox re: making the poem part of the story.  Got rid of the "exes" as that is a another story!


"It's mid-morning on a mild summer's day. You're in the front passenger seat of a car that is being driven along a four-lane highway. You've been travelling for thirty minutes when a large building appears on the left, set well back from the road in spacious grounds. The vehicle turns off the highway, enters a wide circular driveway, and pulls up in front of the building.

The driver gets out of the car and goes to the boot/trunk to remove a suitcase and a small canvas bag. After placing these in the porch, he returns to open your door. You step out…"


and, hesitating, I get out of the car, dreading the consultation that awaits us.   My husband, John, gently offers his hand to help me out.  It has been a long trip.  As I watched the countryside flash by my window, my mind returned to the prior days, the days before this scary, final, important trip.  All the memories, all the trials, all the bittersweet years that culminated in this visit to the fertility clinic in San Francisco.  

As a child, I always played make-believe with my friends. I was always the mom and I had at least 8 doll-babies. The other kids played the part of my kids and I tended to boss the mercilessly.  They didn't mind because, even then, I loved to cook and all our playtimes included chocolate chip cookies, warm from the oven.  They would do just about anything I suggested, even the things that got us all in trouble.  I always thought I would live on a farm and raise lots and lots of children, chickens, livestock, horses.  I would live in an old yellow house with an attic where I would spend hours making quilts and clothes for the kids.  My husband would be strong and kind and he would love our farm life just a little less than he loved me.  I would bake pies, make bread, and spend the summers putting up jam.  On holidays, every holiday, I would decorate the house from top to bottom.  The kids would help.  We would love each other fiercely and loyally.  The kids would grow up, fly from the nest and then, my later years would be spent with the grandchildren.

Some dream.  Reality was very different.   I finally found my soul mate.  We were both in our early 30-somethings.  We were both anxious and eager to finally create the "family" we had always dreamed of.   We both grew up in fragmented families with lots of problems.  We were survivors.  We tried unsuccessfully for a year to start the  family we both longed for.   I spent untold hours in cold white rooms having tests while unaffected professionals urged me to "relax".  John also had tests, the problem was not with him.  We managed to get through these days of angst and nights of tears, still loving each other, still hopeful.  

So, this is it.  Here we are at the world-renowned, state of the art Medical Center.  We will get our final answer today.  The previous tests, scans, x-rays have been forwarded.  We walk to the front doors and enter the cool reception area, dark wood, quiet, subdued.   A pale blonde receptionist in a crisp white medical coat take our names and politely directs us to the overstuffed chintz chairs in the waiting area.

Ten minutes pass while we hold hands.  Words are not necessary.  We have said them all before.  A door down the hallway opens and a doctor approaches us, invites us to his study.  We follow quietly.   Once inside, he produces a folder containing all of the previous medical workups, scans, x-rays, etc.  He gazes at us both with a bittersweet not quite a smile, clears his throat and says, "I'm sorry".

Later, in the car, on the way home, the memories again flooded back. I remembered crocheted blankets, and tiny sweaters I had knitted.  All the woven dreams I packed away, until I heard the dreaded news; I would NEVER have the privilege to unwrap my baby's things.

I recalled showers I attended trudging through a steady rain. My arms filled with gifts for unborn babies, wrapped in pink and blue with fancy ribbon, topped with Teddy bears and rattles.  Once at the shower, I sat there stricken, silent, envious.  I watched moms in smocks, their bellies ripe with pride, discussing nausea, pregnancy terms, labors, and all those sleepless nights with 2 a.m. feedings.  They complained about their backaches and their husbands who refused to change diapers. I sat there smiling stiffly, trying not to hear about choice of names, the nursery colors, first teeth, first steps, first words, then the dreaded question...

"Do you have any children?" I would always answer slowly, my voice smaller than intended; "Well, no, unfortunately, I couldn't have them".  Embarrassed, they would turn their faces to the others in the room; the moms who spoke "their" language, the members of the "club".

The conversations continued, as if I were not there. I would drop my eyes, fold my trembling hands, and become the polite observer.  I would make myself control the tears.  But, when they told how many stitches it took to close their wounds, I sat there and wondered, "How many will it take to close mine? "

FIRST DRAFT:
and, hesitating, I get out of the car, dreading the consultation that  awaited us.   My husband, John, (third in line..the other two were impossible to live with) gently offers his hand to help me out.  It has been a long trip.  As I watched the countryside flash by my window, my mind returned to the prior days, the days before this scary, final, important trip.  All the memories, all the trials, all the bittersweet years that culminated in this visit to the fertility clinic in San Francisco.  

As a child, I always played make-believe with my friends. I was always the mom and I had at least 8 doll-babies.  The other kids played the part of my kids and I tended to boss the mercilessly.  They didn't mind because even then, I loved to cook and all our playtimes included chocolate chip cookies, warm from the oven.  They would do just about anything I suggested, even the things that got us all in trouble.  I always thought I would live on a farm and raise lots and lots of children, chickens, livestock, horses.  I would live in an old yellow house with an attic where I would spend hours making quilts and clothes for the kids.  My husband would be strong and kind and he would love our farm life just a little less than he loved me.  I would bake and make bread and spend the summers putting up jam.  On holidays, every holiday, I would decorate the house from top to bottom .  The kids would help.  We would love each other fiercely and loyally.  The kids would grow up, fly from the nest and then, my later years would be spent with the grandchildren.

Some dream.  Reality was very different.   After two failed marriages, I finally found my soul mate.  We were both in our early 30-somethings.  This was it, we were both anxious and eager to finally create the "family" we had alwasys dreamed of.   We grew up in fragmented families with lots of problems.  We were survivors.  We tried unsuccessfully for a year to start that family.   I spent untold hours in cold white rooms having tests.  John had tests also, the problem was not with him.  We managed to get through these days of angst and nights of tears, still loving each other, still hopeful.  

So, this was it.  Here we were at the world-renowned, state of the art Medical Center.  We would get our finaly answer today.  The previous tests, scans, x-rays had been forwarded.  We walked to the front doors and entered the cool reception area, dark wood, quiet, subdued.   A pale blonde recetionist in a crisp white medical coat took our names and politely directed us to the overstuffed chintz chairs in the waiting area.

Ten minutes passed while we held hands.  Words were no necessary.  We had said them all before.  A door down the hallway opened and a doctor approched us and invited us to his study.  We followed quietly.   Once inside, he produced a folder containing all of the previous medical workups, scans, x-rays, etc.  He gazed at us both with a bittersweet not quite a smile, cleared his throat and said, "I'm sorry".

Later, in the car, on the way home, the memories again flooded back and I started a poem in my head. I would write this down as soon as we were home and I was alone to think this out and try to salvage my broken dreams:

Unmother

I remembered crocheted blankets,
tiny sweaters I had knitted,
woven dreams I packed away,
until I heard the dreaded news;
I would NEVER have the privilege
to unwrap my baby's things.

I recalled showers I attended
trudging through a steady rain,
arms filled with gifts for unborn babies,
wrapped in pinks and blues with ribbbons,
topped with Teddy bears and rattles.

I sat there striken,

...silent...

watched smocked Moms with backaches,
thier tummies ripe with pride,
discussing nausea, terms, labors,
all those sleepless night, 2 a.m. feedings,
and Dads who wouldn't change diapers.

I stayed there smiling siffly,
trying not to hear;
choice of names and nursery colors,
first teeth, first stpes, first words,

then the dreaded question...

"Do you have any children?"

I would always answer slowly,
my voice smaller than intended;

"Well, no, unforutnately, I couldn't have them".

Embarrassment would turn their faces,
to the others in the room; they joined
moms who spoke "their" language,
the members of the "club".

The conversstions then continued,
as if I were not there.  
I would drop my eyes,
fold my trembling hands,
become the polite observer,
and make myself control the tears.

When they told how many stitches
it took to close their wounds,
I sat there and I wondered,

How many will close mine?

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Susan,

This is a fascinating hybrid piece and makes interesting reading.

I do have a slight problem to start with - I have never been able to understand why some people seem to be so desperate to have children. (I have spent my life trying to avoid having children). It is a complete mystery to me - so I start with no empathy and little sympathy for the narrator. Having said that, such people are clearly distressed and, insofar as one understands distress, I do have some sympathy. I say that because it means that the subject has a hostile audience in me to start with and I thought it only fair to mention it.

The prose part:

This zips along rather well. I could suggest a few tweaks here and there but you maintained my interest from start to finish and, given the subject, that was a tough task. I thought you built the narrator’s character well - the aspirations and hopes being dashed against life’s realities worked very well indeed. I was not very sympathetic to the narrator because of her out-of-hand dismissal of her first two husbands. I did not think you made a sufficiently good case (any case?) against them, so the condemnation seemed rather blasé and re-bounds rather. Having said that, the rest, for me, was very good.

The poetry part:

Suggestions: {-}[+](comments) - As You Like It.

Unmother (Strange title but I think it works - maybe because it is strange)

I remembered crocheted blankets,
tiny sweaters I had knitted{,}[;]
woven dreams I packed away,
until I heard the dreaded news;
I would NEVER have the privilege
to unwrap my baby's things.

I recalled showers I attended
trudging through a steady rain,
arms filled with gifts for unborn babies,
wrapped in pinks and blues with ribbbons, (ribbons - spelling typo)
topped with Teddy bears and rattles.

(Showers I attended? I’ve heard of cold  warm showers in fertility treatment but does one attend them? Confused).

I sat there striken, (stricken in UK - don’t know about US)

...silent...

watched smocked {M}[m]oms with backaches,
thier tummies ripe with pride, (their, spelling)
discussing nausea, terms, labors,
all those sleepless night[s], 2 a.m. feedings, (awkward line)
and {D}[d]ads who wouldn't change diapers.

(Only use capitals for specific mums and dads - even then some would argue not. So, I would write “Dad” as a name but “my dad” as a reference).

I stayed there smiling siffly, (final word - don’t know what you meant)
trying not to hear;
choice of names and nursery colors,
first teeth, first st[e]p{e}s, first words,

then the dreaded question...

"Do you have any children?"

I would always answer slowly,
my voice smaller than intended;

"Well, no, unforutnately, I couldn't have them". (unfortunately in UK)

Embarrassment would turn their faces,
to the others in the room; they joined
moms who spoke "their" language,
the members of the "club".

The conversstions then continued, (conversations)
as if I were not there.
I would drop my eyes,
fold my trembling hands,
become the polite observer,
and make myself control the tears.

When they told how many stitches
it took to close their wounds,
I sat there and I wondered,

How many will close mine[?] (I would suggest italicising this line for impact as a question)

(It would save you time and hassle if you spell-checked after writing. It is a bit hard for me because many US and UK spellings do differ so I’m having to guess errors from genuine differences).

The poem, Sue, does feel very much like a prose-poem. Yet, I’m not sure if you intended that? In t’other words, if you re-formatted the poem into sentences, for the most part, you would have good prose. If you wish to be tighter with the poetry would go through just one verse, trying to see how it can be “improved.” (Assuming you weren’t after a prose poem, that is).

I’ll choose this:

The conversstions then continued,
as if I were not there.
I would drop my eyes,
fold my trembling hands,
become the polite observer,
and make myself control the tears.

I would re-jig thus: (Not saying this is perfect - just would be my next step)..

Conversations continued:
my existence denied.
In polite observance,
I lowered eyes,
folded trembling hands,
and withheld deep tears.

----------------

I hope that makes sense.

All the best, james.

[Guest_ferns_*]

Thank you so much, Jox for you help.  I can see all your suggestions are good ones.  I type for a living and spellcheck is automatic, except I believe I just was carried away with the moment and "forgot"...duh.

Thanks for the punctuation help also.  As for the baby thing, well it might one of those "woman" things.  This lady had no choice in the matter.  She wanted them and could not have them, you see?  The other husbands could be fleshed out a bit more, yes, that is a good idea.  My focus, though, was on her and the present.  Good ideas.  I will print tme out, gather a few more (hopefully) and then go to it.  I love your idea about converting the poem into prose.  That might be the ticket.  

Thanks again, Jox, that is why I am here! To learn!

regards,

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Susan,

I have no doubt that for both would-be parents the stress is very great. I was simply saying that I have no empathy for that position. But the fact that you convinced me about this woman's character is a tribute to your writing.

All the best, James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Susan

Unlike James I can easily empathise with your narrator.  Perhaps this highlights one aspect of the inherent biological differences between men and women that are imprinted in our genes for survival - men as hunters and women as nurturers. Women have deep-rooted maternal instincts and urges (though there are exceptions). Of course I also think that the different ways boys and girls are brought up also has some influence -girls are given dolls to play with and boys are given weapons and games/toys that stimulate competitiveness and aggression (necessary skills for survival back in cave-man times)

Anyway onto your story...

I found it an attention-holding read and the poem was especially poignant and very moving and my heart went out to the couple, their desperation to have children and having to suffer the inevitable questions and tactless comments as well as having to endure seeing friends and relations all having children.
I especially love this line of her fantasy.

My husband would be strong and kind and he would love our farm life just a little less than he loved me.

I think if you are using this story as a stand-alone, you need to somehow work the stimulus into the story properly so that the whole piece flows as one.

You get a bit mixed up with tenses at the beginning, starting off in the present, then changing to the past.  Again decide which you want to use.  Personally I think the present tense would add to the tension and anxiety felt.

I agree with James about your throw-away line about the narrator's exes being impossible to live with.  It does leave the reader wondering whether the fault lies not with the exes but with the narrator.  It wouldn't affect the story in anyway if you were to leave the bracketed phrase out all together as you explain about 2 failed marriages later on.

Again I think your poem would work well in the present tense and some tightening.  It is messy to show all the changes so here is the end result.   Again it is up to you to use or ignore as you wish.

I remember crocheted blankets,
tiny sweaters knitted;
woven dreams packed away
until I heard the dreaded news;
I would NEVER have the privilege
to unwrap my baby's things.

I recall showers attended
trudging through steady rain,
arms filled with gifts for unborn babies,
wrapped in pinks and blues with ribbbons,
topped with Teddy bears, rattles.

I'd sit there striken,

...silent...

Watching smocked Moms with backache,
tummies ripe with pride,
discussing nausea, terms, labor,
sleepless nights, 2 a.m. feeds,
Dads who won't change diapers.

I'd stay there smiling stiffly,
trying not to hear:
choice of names, nursery colors,
first teeth, steps, words,

Then the dreaded question...

"Do you have any children?"

I would always answer slowly,
voice smaller than intended;

"Well, no, unfortunately, I can't have them".

Embarrassment would turn their faces,
towards others in the room;  
moms who spoke "their" language -
members of the "club":
converstions continued.

Invisible:  
I would drop my eyes,
fold trembling hands,
hold back unshed tears;
polite observer.

When relating how many stitches
it took to close their wounds,
I'd sit there;
wondering...

How many will close mine?


Nina



James - a shower in this context is a US custom - a party held for an expectant mother, when she is given lots of presents for the baby.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Susan,

I thought this flash was so vivid and poignant. Motherhood is a strange institution, a peculiar rite of passge: it changes lives forever; it cannot be easily ignored.

I agree that the tenses need to be carefully settled.

I also felt that the almost-opening sentance dismissing the previous husbands (though no doubt true to the view of the narator) is a bit off-putting. But the description of the child hood dreams is wonderful, really warm and evocative, especially set against the sad reality.

Fran

[Guest_ferns_*]

Thank you Tomai...yes, it seems unanimous that the exes need fleshing out.   hmm I am musing on that.   I appreciate you do see that they are so much fluff in the mind of the narrator. But, writing needs detail and I will work on that.

Thanks again to ALL...I am just overwhelmed with work at the moment, but i DO appreciate all comments and will get back to this asap...

Regards

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Susan.

I printed and read your flash story at morning coffee.

I too had wondered if this is an 'intro' to your story or if you had intended this to be complete? I don't want to jump in with my thoughts too much until you respond so I'll know what direction you're taking.

In your opening you set up a question to the reader here:

My husband, John, (third in line..the other two were impossible to live with) gently offers his hand to help me out

I am left wondering why the other two husbands left and assume I'll read  about them more later in the story. I think a great way to tie it into this story is perhaps to do a flashback of the other relationships. I'm guessing they left because of the in-fertility problem in the marriage, which ultimately has left your main character (name) scarred psychologically? If you don't really plan to go down that path, then I suggest that you delete that line.

Aside from the tense issues presented already, I enjoyed the 'dreams' that the character expresses.

I'll be back again!
~Cleo  :pharoah:  :wave:

[Guest_ferns_*]

Thanks for stopping by, Cleo...Good point..in the revision I dumped the other husbands....(good riddance too!)..That is a whole other story...or two ;_)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Susan.

I see your revision and the poem has been either removed or changed to prose? I will re-read this again soon and repy...

Cheers
Cleo