Molly McGuire...Revision 2, Rhymed "Fun" Poem... Options

[Judi]

Revision 2



Let me tell you a tale 'bout a girl and a pail
that she took with her out to the barn.
She was stubborn and slick and determined, by crick,
to get milk from that cow without harm.

So she crept and she crawled and was very appalled,
when the cow turned a look of disgust.
With resigned dedication, again she took station,
and proceeded to sit there 'til dusk.

She planned and she plotted, and got her dress spotted
by crawling all over the straw.
But as hard as she tried, 'twas a matter of pride,
she just could not get near that stall.

Well, she sat there confused, and was feeling abused,
and decided to get some advice.
she called Sean O'Riley, who was thought of as wily
although, he treated her nice.

He said, "Molly, me dear, let me give you some cheer,
I have something to tell you me Lass;
That mean cow is a bull, and if you try to pull,
he will knock you flat on your ....Pail....


Revision 1
Let me tell you a tale 'bout a girl and a pail
that she took with her out to the barn.
She was stubborn and slick and determined, "by crick"
to get milk from that cow without harm.

So she crept and she crawled and was very appalled,
when the cow turned a look of disgust.
With resigned dedication, again she took station,
and proceeded to sit there 'til dusk.

She planned and plotted, got her dress spotted
by crawling all over the straw.
But as hard as she tried, 'twas a matter of pride
she just could not get near that stall.

Well, she sat there confused, feeling quite bruised,
then decided to get some advice.
she called Sean O'Riley, who was really quite wily
although, he treated her nice.

He said, "Molly, me dear, let me give you some cheer,
I have something to tell you me Lass;
That mean cow is a bull, and if you try to pull,
he will knock you flat on your ....Pail.... "The end


Original Version

Let me tell you a tale 'bout a girl and a pail
that she took with her out to the barn.
She was stubborn and slick and determined, "by crick"
to get milk from that cow without harm.

Well, she crept and she crawled, and was very appalled,
when the cow turned a look of disgust.
With resigned dedication, again she took station,
and proceeded to sit there 'til dusk.

She planned and she plotted, and got her dress spotted
by crawling over the straw.
But as hard as she tried, 'twas a matter of pride
she just could not get near to that stall.

Well, she sat there confused, and feeling quite bruised,
and decided to get some advice.
She called Sean O'Riley, who was really quite wily
although, he treated her nice.

He said, "Molly, me dear, let me give you some cheer,
I have something to tell you me Lass
That mean cow is a bull, and if you try to pull,
he will knock you flat on your ....Pail.... "The end

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Judi,

Oh my!! That poor girl! It's a good thing she asked for advice!

The flow is quite smooth and pleasant in most places and even the near rhymes work rather well. A few thoughts to ponder...


Let me tell you a tale 'bout a girl and a pail
that she took with her out to the bam. < Do you mean 'barn'?
She was stubborn and slick and determined, "by crick"
to get milk from that cow without harm.

Well, she crept and she crawled, and was very appalled,
when the cow turned a look of disgust.
With resigned dedication, again she took station,
and proceeded to sit there 'til dusk.

I would start verse 2 with 'So' since you use 'Well' further down. You might want to see if you can do away with some of the 'and's... although they seem to help keep the rhythm smooth.

She planned and she plotted, and got her dress spotted
by crawling over the straw. < This line seemed a bit short to me causing a slight rift in the flow. Maybe 'by crawling all over the straw.'?
But as hard as she tried, {'twas a matter of pride)
she just could not get near to that stall.

Well, she sat there confused, and feeling quite bruised,
and decided to get some advice. < 'then decided'? It would omit an 'and'.
She called Sean O'Riley, (who was really quite wily)
although, he treated her nice.

He said, "Molly, me dear, let me give you some cheer,
I have something to tell you me Lass
That mean cow is a bull, and if you try to pull, < It's a good thing she didn't! LOL
he will knock you flat on your ....Pail.... "The end

Since you're using her name and quotation marks I think you can do away with 'He said'. An end stop after 'Lass'? For some reason 'mean' caused a stumble for me, what about... 'That ol' cow...'? Anyhoo, thanks bunches for the laugh!!

Cathy

[Terocon101]

Hi Judi

I was round to see Molly the other day,
and I thought the tea tasted strange.
Now I know why, that O'Riley guy
was laughing as if he's deranged

I've no nits apart from the points Cathy already made.

Thanks for that, its a cracker. I'll have to show it one to a friend of mine who had a similar experience lol.


Terry[/color]

[Judi]

Hi Cathy...

I have used most of your suggestions, and appreciate them very much. See the Revision above. Have a nice Sunday! Judi

[Merlin]

Hello Judy,

This is the type of tale where you can get away with using jargon and other colloquialisms. I'd suggest you go with them - they'd do justice. You wouldn't need to " " by crick then.

Fer instance, this would be a gal, as opposed to a girl. At least, from where I'm lookin, she would be.

2nd - it is said the when brackets are used, they're probably not required. Overuse takes away from the whole picture - yours is a case of overuse - and all those annoying additives would be gone.

3rd - I'd review the meter to keep 2 ft in each half of a line >>
She planned and she plotted, her dress got all spotted
from crawling around in the straw.
ballad meter here, 4-3.

There tis, I drink my coffee black, btw!

Merlin

[Judi]

Thanks Merlin ...I took you advice about the parenthesis and adding "all" to over the straw. I didn't do a Revision 2, because it was only removing those parenthesis and adding one word, and you are getting credit here for your suggestions. Thanks so much. (Chicken for drinking black coffee...hah) Judi

[Mary Boren]

Fun schtuff, Judy. In light verse, it's especially important to get the meter right. You might have another look at these lines, which don't follow the pattern you've established in the first quatrain. [*] indicates a beat missing.

She planned and plotted, [*] got her dress spotted

Well, she sat there confused [*] [*], feeling quite bruised,

although [*] [*], he treated her nice.

he will knock you [*] flat on your ....Pail....

she just could not get near to that stall.

This line's not missing beats, but can only be scanned in accordance with the others by forcing stresses where they don't belong.

Also, you've relied on "just," "very," "really," and "quite" as metrical filler, and I know you can do better than that.

For me, "The End" at the end weakens the punchline. And I agree with Merlin, by crick -- lose the quotes.

Thanks for the giggle.

Mary

[Judi]

Fun schtuff, Judy. In light verse, it's especially important to get the meter right. You might have another look at these lines, which don't follow the pattern you've established in the first quatrain. [*] indicates a beat missing.

She planned and plotted, [*] got her dress spotted

Well, she sat there confused [*] [*], feeling quite bruised,

Ahhhh...Mary, if you notice they were right in the beginning but I changed them
in the revision..(trying to conserve on "and" and not being smart.) anyway I will
correct myself back to my correct beginning, and change the new things and take out the end...which was not really part of the poem anyway...just added it when I posted it.

although [*] [*], he treated her nice.

he will knock you [*] flat on your ....Pail....

she just could not get near to that stall.

This line's not missing beats, but can only be scanned in accordance with the others by forcing stresses where they don't belong.

Also, you've relied on "just," "very," "really," and "quite" as metrical filler, and I know you can do better than that.


For me, "The End" at the end weakens the punchline. And I agree with Merlin, by crick -- lose the quotes.

Thanks for the giggle.

Mary

[jgdittier]

Dear Judi,
As I'm given to light verse, I suppose I'm overly tolerant. No, not tolerant, appreciative.
I read it, would have stamped it with a happy face and asked you if you'd read it to the rest of the class.
I accept the credo that all poetry can be improved, but I didn't see much need in your case.
My thoughts re light verse also allow for the writer the liberties he chooses to enhance his humor. You've mentioned yourself, terseness and the need to delete filler words has interfered with your cadence. I say it is up to you to decide which is more your style, then be confident that there are those out there who will like it.
Nicely done!!! Cheers, Ron jgd

[Judi]

Dear Judi,
As I'm given to light verse, I suppose I'm overly tolerant. No, not tolerant, appreciative.
I read it, would have stamped it with a happy face and asked you if you'd read it to the rest of the class.
I accept the credo that all poetry can be improved, but I didn't see much need in your case.
My thoughts re light verse also allow for the writer the liberties he chooses to enhance his humor. You've mentioned yourself, terseness and the need to delete filler words has interfered with your cadence. I say it is up to you to decide which is more your style, then be confident that there are those out there who will like it.
Nicely done!!! Cheers, Ron jgd

Thanks so much Ron..That is quite a compliment! Judi

[Michelle]

Hey Judi,

this is a kick. I like the rhythm and story. I personally like the orginal better than the revision. I think the meter is far more consistant in it.

a pleasure,

Michelle

[Judi]

Hey Judi,

this is a kick. I like the rhythm and story. I personally like the orginal better than the revision. I think the meter is far more consistant in it.

a pleasure,

Michelle

Thanks so much, Michelle...That's what happens when you try to keep others happy..LOL...but they were legitimate crits, and I didn't mind givinig up a few things...it is just a lark of a piece anyway...I am more stubborn in a different kind of poem. Judi...

[Mistral]

Hi Judy,

No crits from me, I just enjoyed the smile this poem created. Although no bull, it also reminded me of when I was a kid and was given a hearty kick by a cow because I did not heed my grandfather's warning to not walk past behind it while he was busy milking it. Still remember how it hurt!

Hugs,
M

[Maggie]

Hi Judi,

I think this is a very funny poem!! Bravo!! Instead of ending with the word "pail" you might want to end with the word "arse."

Just delightful!!

Peggy

[Judi]

Hi Judi,

I think this is a very funny poem!! Bravo!! Instead of ending with the word "pail" you might want to end with the word "arse."

Just delightful!!

Peggy

HAHAHAHAHA On other sites I just come out with A-S but I can't do that here, LOL...Thanks so much...Judi