A Traitorous Lulluby ~ previously Untitled, Revised 6/12/07 Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

*Sigh* I'm sorry that all of my poems seem to turn out the same these days. If I try to write a light-hearted piece, somewhere along the line it flip-flops into sad and ugly. Hopefully that will change soon~ I could use some help with a title though... I have NO idea what to call it! Thanks all, Cathy


A Traitorous Lullaby ~ Revision 1

Cuddled on my porch swing
watching the stars dance,
daytime stresses evanesce
with each celestial wink.
Floral breezes tickle my nose
as lollipop fantasies tip-toe
through summer's sanctuary
of melodic nocturnal refrain.

But the dreams are changing...

Dusk is no longer an oasis,
for with the advent of twilight
comes a demon masquerade.
Darkness bleeds across the sky
in bursts of gunfire and mortar shell,
bringing my son one day closer
to the realities of sacrifice
in a nightmare called War.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright June 04, 07




Original...

Midnight hours are favored;
Cuddled up on the porch swing,
I watch the stars dance
as floral breezes tickle my nose.
Daytime stresses evanesce
with each celestial wink
as lollipop dreams tip-toe
with summer's promise to...

a traitorous lullaby of contentment.

Dusk is no longer my ally,
for with the advent of twilight
comes a demon masquerade.
The death of another day
(affirming time's inevitable passage)
brings you one step closer
to the realities of sacrifice
and terroristic incubus*.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright June 04, 07


*incubus - a situation resembling a terrifying dream

[Dee]

Cathy,

Interesting poem. I want to do a line-by-line for you, but I am slammed with homework tonight. I'll try to get to it this weekend. Don't lose faith in me... I'll be back!

Dee

[Judi]

I'm sorry that all of my poems seem to turn out the same these days. If I try to write a light-hearted piece, somewhere along the line it flip-flops into sad and ugly. Hopefully that will change soon~ I could use some help with a title though... I have NO idea what to call it! Thanks all, Cathy

How about Midnight Lullaby?

Midnight hours are favored;
Cuddled (up) on the porch swing,
I watch the stars dance
(as) floral breezes tickle my nose.
Daytime stresses evanesce
with each celestial wink
as lollipop dreams tip-toe
with summer's promise to...(This should have a more definite ending..Maybe
something negative to go into your next lines)
a traitorous lullaby of contentment.

Dusk is no longer my ally,
for with the advent of (twilight) or night
comes a demon masquerade.
The death of another day
(affirming time's inevitable passage) I would omit this brings [brings] you one step closer
to the realities of sacrifice
and terroristic incubus*.


This was a really hard poem to crit because of your switch in emotions. I don't like to change others words too much because they mean something to the person who wrote them. You may or may not want to use my suggestions but use or lose...Keep your chin up...I treasure every day, because they are All special to me...worry robs spirits..Judi

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Cathy,

Interesting poem. I want to do a line-by-line for you, but I am slammed with homework tonight. I'll try to get to it this weekend. Don't lose faith in me... I'll be back!

Dee

Hey Dee! I'll be looking for you and looking forward to your thoughts~

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

How about Midnight Lullaby?

That's an interesting choice! Thanks~

Midnight hours are favored;
Cuddled (up) on the porch swing,
I watch the stars dance
(as) floral breezes tickle my nose.
Daytime stresses evanesce
with each celestial wink
as lollipop dreams tip-toe
with summer's promise to...(This should have a more definite ending..Maybe
something negative to go into your next lines)

You know... I'm not even sure why this came out the way it did. It seems all of them do these days. That's how the dreams go when I have them. A quick turn from one to another, it's a shock to the system so I wrote it the way it happened I guess. I'm still not sure what to do with it cause I'm not sure it makes much sense. LOL
a traitorous lullaby of contentment.

Dusk is no longer my ally,
for with the advent of (twilight) or night
comes a demon masquerade.
The death of another day
(affirming time's inevitable passage) I would omit thisbrings {brings] you one step closer
to the realities of sacrifice
and terroristic incubus*.

This was a really hard poem to crit because of your switch in emotions. I'm sure it was... sorry about that! I don't like to change others words too much because they mean something to the person who wrote them. You may or may not want to use my suggestions but use or lose...Keep your chin up...I treasure every day, because they are All special to me...worry robs spirits..Judi

Thanks for taking the time to leave your thoughts and I will keep them in mind should I decide to do anything with it. Yikes! This may be one for the trash bin!

Cathy

[Dee]

Hi Cathy!

Before I crit, let me just say... this is NOT one for the trash bin! Oh, no way. On the contrary, this one can be quite good with a few tweaks. I love the premise. I think we all have dreams or thoughts/feelings of this sort from time to time. The negative side of things seems to knock us off our feet from time to time and it can't help but come out in our writing. Writing (especially poetry) is very emotion driven anyway. So, don't give up on this one... let's see what this forum comes up with to help you tweak to masterpiece!

Following is my two cents... take or leave what you wish.

My title suggestion: Sweet Demon Song

Midnight hours are favored;
Cuddled up on the porch swing, Nice imagery... love it.
I watch the stars dance
as floral breezes tickle my nose.
Daytime stresses evanesce
with each celestial wink
as lollipop dreams tip-toe
with summer's promise to... Ah geeze... I just love this whole first stanza. It's beautiful.

a traitorous lullaby of contentment. Contentment and traitorous fight each other. Perhaps: a traitorous lullabay screeches in my head

Dusk is no longer my ally,
for with the advent of twilight
comes a demon masquerade.
The death of another day
(affirming time's inevitable passage) Change this to something like: the blackness bleeds across the sky
brings you one step closer Did you realize you changed here from me to you?
to the realities of sacrifice
and terroristic incubus*. Incubus has more than one meaning and I don't know why, but for me, the demon definition is what jumps out at me here. I'm not sure if you want to go with that or not. If you want to stay with incubus, I would suggest changing to "terrorizing".

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright June 04, 07

So, those are my comments/suggestions. I hope they help. I look forward to seeing a revision. This can be a most excellent poem... worthy of print.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy!

Before I crit, let me just say... this is NOT one for the trash bin! Oh, no way. On the contrary, this one can be quite good with a few tweaks. I love the premise. I think we all have dreams or thoughts/feelings of this sort from time to time. The negative side of things seems to knock us off our feet from time to time and it can't help but come out in our writing. Writing (especially poetry) is very emotion driven anyway. So, don't give up on this one... let's see what this forum comes up with to help you tweak to masterpiece!

I've never had one come out this contradictory in thought or emotion. So completely opposite of each other. But that's the way I felt at the time. I was actually sitting on my front porch enjoying the warmth and night sounds when all of a sudden it hit me that with each passing day (and my nightly ritual) it was bringing the inevitable that much closer... thus, the second verse.

Following is my two cents... take or leave what you wish.

My title suggestion: Sweet Demon Song

Wow! I like that title! But maybe Bittersweet Demon Song? Or maybe even just Bittersweet Demon?

Midnight hours are favored;
Cuddled up on the porch swing, Nice imagery... love it. Thanks!
I watch the stars dance
as floral breezes tickle my nose.
Daytime stresses evanesce
with each celestial wink
as lollipop dreams tip-toe
with summer's promise to... Ah geeze... I just love this whole first stanza. It's beautiful. Thanks Dee! And to think that the whole poem could have been this way. But, then it would have lost its meaning... my emotions and thoughts actually do change this drastically quite often.

a traitorous lullaby of contentment. Contentment and traitorous fight each other. Perhaps: a traitorous lullabay screeches in my head Yes I know they do. Just as my emotions fight with each other. I was trying to find a line that would tie the two verses together which isn't easy. As was said in an earlier crit the change in emotions was dramatic. I was shocked at the realization and I guess I wanted it to show here too.

Dusk is no longer my ally,
for with the advent of twilight
comes a demon masquerade.
The death of another day
(affirming time's inevitable passage) Change this to something like: the blackness bleeds across the sky I like this suggestion... thanks! It enhances the imagery of the coming night and 'death' and 'bleed' go hand-in-hand with war... which is really what this is all about.
brings you one step closer Did you realize you changed here from me to you? Yes I know. The initial contentment and enjoyment of the summer night (and then of course the 'daydreaming' was mine but this line indicates my son soon having to go to Iraq. Maybe I should just use 'my son' or something similar to make things clearer.
to the realities of sacrifice
and terroristic incubus*. Incubus has more than one meaning and I don't know why, but for me, the demon definition is what jumps out at me here. I'm not sure if you want to go with that or not. If you want to stay with incubus, I would suggest changing to "terrorizing". The original line was 'and a nightmare called War.' I don't want to confuse the issue anymore than it is already! LOL I've been coming back to this off and on, reading and rereading. I will certainly keep your thoughts in mind when I get ready to revise. You've been a big help!

Thanks~
Cathy

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright June 04, 07

So, those are my comments/suggestions. I hope they help. I look forward to seeing a revision. This can be a most excellent poem... worthy of print.

I don't know about print but thanks anyway! LOL

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Revision posted! I look forward to your thoughts~

Thanks all~

Cathy

[JaxMyth]

A Traitorous Lullaby ~ Revision 1

Perhaps "The Other Side of Summer" as title.

Cuddled on my porch swing
watching the stars dance,
daytime stresses evanesce
with each celestial wink.
Floral breezes tickle my nose
as lollipop fantasies tip-toe
through summer's sanctuary
of melodic nocturnal refrain.

The last two lines seem overly qualified perhaps something like:
through the sanctuary of summer
into the melodies of night

But the dreams are changing... Perhaps the dreams are 'a-changing' and riff off the song.

Dusk is no longer an oasis,
for with the advent of twilight
[comes a demon masquerade.] This line is unclear and probably unnecessary.
Darkness bleeds across the sky
in bursts of gunfire and mortar shell,
bringing my son one day closer
to the realities of sacrifice
in a nightmare called War.

Perhaps:
'in my nightmare called War.' I can understand your feelings and feel for you, but the feelings that you have may not mirror your son's and so the nightmare is more yours. Despite the greater accuracy I feel taking possession of the nightmare brings your angst as a mother more to the fore.

I hope that is of some use Cathy.

Take care,

Jax

[Guest_Cathy_*]

A Traitorous Lullaby ~ Revision 1

Perhaps "The Other Side of Summer" as title.

Hi Jax,

That's an interesting possibility! Mine came from the calm activity and sounds of nighttime that have a tendency to lull me into sleep much like a lulluby when trying to put a child to sleep. 'Traitorous' was because now, whether dreams or simply thoughts that continue to invade my mind, the night's are no longer soothing. But then it wouldn't really relate to others, maybe 'My Other Side of Summer'?

Cuddled on my porch swing
watching the stars dance,
daytime stresses evanesce
with each celestial wink.
Floral breezes tickle my nose
as lollipop fantasies tip-toe
through summer's sanctuary
of melodic nocturnal refrain.

The last two lines seem overly qualified perhaps something like:
through the sanctuary of summer
into the melodies of night

LOL That's the first time anyone's told me that! Usually it's something like... 'IMO this could be a bit more dramatic' or 'Written this way would enhance the imagery'. In other words my version is too simple! LOL I'll give this some thought. Thanks!

But the dreams are changing... Perhaps the dreams are 'a-changing' and riff off the song.

I'm not sure I know of the song you are talking about.

Dusk is no longer an oasis,
for with the advent of twilight
[comes a demon masquerade.] This line is unclear and probably unnecessary.

It refers to the parade of nightmares that I have whether day or nighttime. You're right though... I can see where it reads fine without it.
Darkness bleeds across the sky
in bursts of gunfire and mortar shell,
bringing my son one day closer
to the realities of sacrifice
in a nightmare called War.

Perhaps:
'in my nightmare called War.' I can understand your feelings and feel for you, but the feelings that you have may not mirror your son's and so the nightmare is more yours. Despite the greater accuracy I feel taking possession of the nightmare brings your angst as a mother more to the fore.

I hadn't even thought of that but it makes sense. I will most likely use this or some form of it anyway. The wheels are a-turning!

I hope that is of some use Cathy.

It is... I have some ideas so we'll see where it goes from here. Thanks for you input Jax!

Cathy

Take care,

Jax