senyru inspired(revised 25th july), experimental, for critique Options

[Terocon101]

.
5-7-5 traditional revision

our last moment's kiss-
love's sorrowful departure
leaves with memories...


original
.

sad
wordless
kiss

loves
sorrowful
departure

...silence...



.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Terry,

I can't comment on the technicalities... seeing as how I don't understand them LOL but I wanted to say that this leaves me with a heavy sadness for something that will never be. Good imagery!

Cathy

[Terocon101]

Hi Cathy,

sorry for leaving you with 'that' feeling but you completely 'got it' and thats good from my pov, so thank-you for responding.

Some experiences are never forgotten and life's lessons can be a real torture sometimes. We grow stronger... I suppose... but it still sucks to have 'those' memories lingering like open-sores after so many years.

I was hoping the sparse and separated structure would lend something to this. I'm in the same boat as you, I'm not very knowledgeable in these forms either but that doesn't mean we cant try a few things to aid the message we are trying to convey.
Its nothing radical anyway, and I've certainly been spending a lot of time reading-up on these forms, so its not as if I'm shrugging-off the 'old-ways'.

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Hi Terry,

I'm still old school with the 5-7-5 but as I understand it things have changed so take my comments with a grain of salt. I still prefer the way I was taught.

However, regardless of what the technicalities of a senyru may be I thought this was a very concise and striking read in so few lines. This is a fine example to show how powerful the use of words can be. Well done!

~~ Jackie

[Terocon101]

Hi Terry,

I'm still old school with the 5-7-5 but as I understand it things have changed so take my comments with a grain of salt. I still prefer the way I was taught.

However, regardless of what the technicalities of a senyru may be I thought this was a very concise and striking read in so few lines. This is a fine example to show how powerful the use of words can be. Well done!

~~ Jackie

Hi again Jackie,

Why do I get the feeling I'm getting away quite easily here? I sensed you were about to give me a good wrist-slapping for dishonoring the form. I'm not complaining though glad you enjoyed. It is amazing what can be expressed in such a brief exclamation. I suppose the longer the poem, the more room there is to get lost and distracted.

I really have grown to love these short forms and I will post a few more traditional pieces in a while. I hope you will have a look, I would your value advice and critique.

[JustDaniel]

Greeting, Ter!

As I mentioned in another post, I'm still not quite sure what to make of 'haiku/senryu' that aren't in what we American's have come to think of 'traditional' haiku format, but I'm game!

Here you've created a sort of half-septolet with and extra break, since the seven lines have only seven words, whereas a septolet has fourteen. Ineresting comparison, huh? Methinks you have three snapshots here instead of the usual haiku two also?

sad
wordless
kiss

loves
sorrowful
departure

...silence...

sad
her wordless kiss
blew sealed lips
dry

his love
left... a lone
sorrow

as a septolet...

or realigned as in a 'tradtional' haiku format, (but centered):

sad, her wordless kiss
blew sealed lips dry... his love
left... a lone sorrow

enjoyin' the playin' with your words, Daniel

This post has been edited by JustDaniel: Jul 23 07, 15:54

[Terocon101]

Greeting, Ter!

As I mentioned in another post, I'm still not quite sure what to make of 'haiku/senryu' that aren't in what we American's have come to think of 'traditional' haiku format, but I'm game!

Here you've created a sort of half-septolet with and extra break, since the seven lines have only seven words, whereas a septolet has fourteen. Ineresting comparison, huh?
Good observation, I hadn't seen that. I was mindfull to keep it to seven lines for the short forum though

Methinks you have three snapshots here instead of the usual haiku two also?
Ummm, I think its hard to define parts of this as images, I was hoping for one image and two emotions(a kiss/a sense of loss/solitude.
But I think it is still 'a moment' which is an aspect of ku's.

sad
wordless
kiss

loves
sorrowful
departure

...silence...

sad
her wordless kiss
blew sealed lips
dry

his love
left... a lone
sorrow

as a septolet...
Wow, I love this.
or realigned as in a 'tradtional' haiku format, (but centered):

sad, her wordless kiss
blew sealed lips dry... his love
left... a lone sorrow

Again, very cool, 'blew sealed lips dry' nice.
I know the word 'sad' might be a bit too telling, I may consider revising that.

enjoyin' the playin' with your words, Daniel
Your welcome, although I'm not really swayed to make drastic changes just yet I'm always grateful for advice and suggestions.
I'll post something more traditional when I'm done here and hopefully you'll drop-in for a look-see.