You've packed a lot of action into a very short scene. As shoot outs will do, it got a little busy and a bit hard to follow. Good opening, gets the story going without a lot of superfluous and unneeded detail. Coming from a 'gun' background I appreciated the technical detail on the weapons. I don't think most readers would need that much. I do like and use sound words but I would like to know exactly what the 'KERWHAM' was.

Hope I don't sound too negative. I really liked the way you moved the story with no pauses to put the reader off. This could certainly be expanded as well should you ever choose to revisit and add to your story.

Saw a notification on FB of MM's most endearing leading lady this a.m. Brought back many memories of good times with friends here. What a treat to still be able to get in and poke around a bit.

Blessings to all and have a great day!!!

Sam

Thanks Larry for your very detailed introspect into this discussion.

Basically I have a poem to write. It is to be a sequal. I'm not eager to follow the form of the first poem. I went looking for a form which suited my particular need. There may be many, I didn't find any.

If we look far enough back I suppose, we will find that there is actually only one form of written expression. I've explored as far as I need to. I've done a couple of writings using the five lines and it seems to work for me.

The incentive for the search was never to 'invent' anything. With time and effort I imagine I could disqualify almost any form recognized today by "the poetry world" (which in itself might require some definition if we wish to pick nits).

If nothing else the discussion has provided me with much invaluable knowledge that I did not have before. I thank each and every one of you for your guidance.

'rum

Tinker1111;

I'm not nearly the scholar of some here, but I consider it a stretch to accept Mr. Larkin's poem as iambic pentameter. Trochee and/or syllable count seem a little akward to me. Thank you for your effort and research.

'rum

Liz;

Overjoyed at your enthusaiam and encouragement. This is the only thing I could find from work. Don't have access to my files. This poem needs work and I do plan to revisit it, just haven't had time as I'm now into 'building' mountain dulcimers. Anywho ... here's this.

Faith Seasoned~Pentasam

Who quoth the lie O’ darken’d sky of grey
What promise of tomorrow doth prevail
When cold is turned against sun’s palest ray
Why bitten is each breath I may inhale
How shall my hope see through thy dismal veil

But breaking new unto the south and east
A whisper born of wisdom age to age
Scoff at my cry and track the fleeing beast
And cast a warmth to calm thy winter rage
That vernal sings the psalm from springtime’s page

First warblers catch the note and spread the word
Ostara’s equal night hath bid them so
On morning light the message must be heard
Pubescent seed within the womb must know
And once again my faith through grace must grow

Dear Liz and Larry;

Wonderful comments from both of you. Tinkering with form was not wholly aimed at a 'new' form, but one that would work better for me personally. I do like the English Sonnet, I don't like being restricted to fourteen lines. A lot of my poems are loooooooooooooooooong! I like Rhyme Royal, I don't like the seven line stanza as it often leaves me with just 'filler' in a couple of the lines.

I think that you, Liz, might enjoy doing one or two of these based on your love of cinquains. The one or two I've done with more serious subject matter do seem to flow pretty well. You can read without stumbling over that extra line that keeps it from being a quatrain.

Now ... I am quite obviously in over my head in any knowledge of form or structure when compared to either of you, but it gives me great pleasure that you both have offered such kind consideration of my dalliances.

A most sincere THANK YOU to you both!

Hi Larry,

Thanks for views. Yeah, I looked at 'most every form I could find. Read a good deal about cinquain's. I've done a couple of more serious pieces in the form here though. It seems more than 'just' a cinquain. Guess it depends largely on the point of view. No matter, I like this form pretty good and it has advantages (for me) over the English Sonnet or the Rime Royale.

Guess I could have went with 'five and dime' ... five lines, 10 syllables ... (iambic pentameter)

M'k ... by these accounts I'm going to give 'wont' a nod and let it stay. Much like you said, sometimes I'll read a word or passage and just by its novel placement, it will stick in my head and I'll pull it out at some point in time. I do NOT research every idiom that pops up while writing. I probably should.

Thanks so much for the solid, printed reference you've given.

sam

Yep, decidedly neater. Nicely done. Stuff's still there for those who want it archived, but the board looks much better. How DO you find the time? Much appreciated.

Sam

I've had a suspicion that this may be the case with many. I write pretty mild or generic stuff too. I'm very happy to find that I'm not alone in my apprehension of giving full blown crits when ... 1. I don't really feel qualified and 2. Often there is not enough substance to warrant a critique.

I'd prefer to be supportive and encouraging. I hope MM will take these suggestions as meant ... with the warmest of intent and respect for a fine board and fine staff.

Sam

Hey Lori and staff;

I'm very much in favor of the changes you suggest and see them as improvements. I especially like the proposed system to ease the pressure on crits, but still maintain the high degree of benefit to those who wish it. Kudo's to you and staff for your continued efforts in keeping MM one of the finest boards on the net.

Sam

Links to some discussion and definitions of wont. The word, without the apostorphe is correct, my usage may be questionable however.

http://forum.wordreference.com/showthread.php?t=787049

http://www.wordreference.com/definition/wont

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/wont

Hi Lori;

This is one reason I dumped this in Karnak ... I'm not sure on the 'wont'. I believe that I have heard and read it used in this context (archaic), but I 'wont' put any money on it.

Form? I DID research and I can't find this particular one. I made it up, then went looking for it. It may be MINE! I do have a reason. Usually sonnets are 14 lines. Most of my poems run a bit long. I found Rhyme Royale, but the seven line stanzas have just never felt natural to me with the rhyme pattern used in them.

The five liners are much easier and by my own standard I can make the poem as long as I want. If the form turns out to be original, the name can certainly be better.

Thanks for reading.

Sam

New poetry form ???
Pentesam~Any number of five line stanzas in iambic pentameter, rhyme pattern ababb.
Example: (First one ever).

Improperly Pok't
Woulds't poking come more noble in the dark
Where not a prying eye is wont to see
Or pok't in darkness might he miss the mark
And leave thee with abrasions on thy knee
Time spent, methinks, in practice is the key

chuckle ... yep ... already did that in the 'final draft' copy I saved to my files. Thanks a million.

'rum

... hmmmm ... all formatted and everything ... I think I have to agree with you. Again thanks so much for time, effort and good judgement expended on my behalf.

'rum

Ok, I'm back. It is just a little more wordy. It works fine though. I do worry sometimes that when attempting to write in an archaic tone, that sometimes a little more is too much. Here's the suggestion you made, I just 'felt' as though the 'the' was needed as well. What do you think?

Oh and thanks for the consideration :)

Visions inTwilight~Revisited

In anticipation I search the twilight
as the horizon dims
and you come to me in purples

once the sun has slipped its golden sabers
into that sheath which nighttime holds
I await you …

your step is soft
it stirs the lilac and sends me a fragrance
my senses awaken, quiver

your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bosom

bared

wanton breath vaults the
clefted shadows of your breasts
licking at your neck
turned to catch last light

curved

inviting

reaching out to my lips

moments pass into violet
eyes are blurred
but not the touch

virile on velvet,
mauveine emotion,
sighs fallen from mulberry lips …

colors fade into memories
purple ever the last to go
your parting sculpture remains in my eyes

I reach out
your promise abides
you are there for me

in twilight

Hi Eisa I'll run it off on word and try it. Be right back

'rum

George hurried home for a nooner
When he was eclipsed by a lunar
Missing his mark
There in the dark
Poor Georgie instead faced a mooner

Thanks Lori

'rum

The intent was to rhyme with nooner, nothing more. It's a limerick.

'rum

George hurried home for a nooner
When he was eclipsed by a lunar
Missing his mark
There in the dark
Poor George instead faced a mooner

Dear Alan;

I can certainly identify with your exasperation with the 'powers that be'. The obvious sarcasm and disdain should have great universal appeal to 'everyman' ... which I am.

'rum

Few can see with the purity of a six year old. The italics cleared up any difficulty I had in reading. This piece plays like a little vingnette allowing us a glimpse into a larger story. It is complete though and is very much like the snapshots that make up each of our lives. Your poem is very simple yet it reveals a complexity that challenges understanding. You handled it well.

'rum

I love stories, yarns and tales done just this way. This was a real treat for me. The cattle drive terms used are near enough that I recognized most of them easily from my 'Satruday Matinee' days. I'd only ask that you read this verse without 'earth'. See how it fits in with your rhythm. You have ground and that with just 'quake' is strong enough if you'd gain meter without earth.

Then down into dry gullies we fled,
thick dust screwing, as smoke, in our wake;
while the rampaging beasts up ahead
shook the ground like a rumbling quake. (omitt earth)

I'd love it if you just took off the nurses. Leave it at he's content. I'm a sucker for happy endings and that would be a very comforting way to close the scene to me. If the nurses stay, I agree with everyone else, they need to be a little more disciplined. I like the 'Poor Old Man's' 'Camera Obscura'. I think he and I could share coffee and a nap.

'rum