Hey Sergio, It's nice to delve into one of yours again. Your approach to human mortality is incredibly unique. I will comment further below.
Think of me as Dionysus, home resting, with a fetus in my leg, as lasting less than a candle or a rock.
Dionysus, the god of wine and fertility. Why is the fetus on the leg? do you imply that the weight on you is too heavy to carry? want to offer a slight punctuation nit in L1 and the last line in the S just fumbles for me.
Think of me as Dionysus; home resting, with a fetus in my leg, lasting less than a candle or a rock.
This road we travel is gust, shake, unexpected vibration on earth's surface—it doesn't fancy us here.
For me this part is a bit choppy and am not so sure about using "gust". Perhaps using it as a verb would make it smoother? not sure. I made some line breaks for dramatic effect and thought italicising the end part would make a stronger impact. It's is how I would like to read it.
This road we travel gusts... shakes; unexpected vibrations on earth's surface. It doesn't fancy us here.
We barely have time to learn a few lessons, then we’re gone. Grapes shrivel, leaves fade back to their sepia dwellings.
I love this above part the most because it is the core of your message. The heart in this body. The fact that we are mortal staring us in the face. I still have some line breaks suggestions.
Barely having time to learn a few lessons, we are gone. Grapes shrivel as leaves fade back to their sepia dwellings.
Think of me as wordless translations of poems breathing in the silent spaces all over this museum, as secrets in a secret language.
MMMM.... will dabble a bit here. Ofocurse this is your work and this is just my humble opinion.
Think of me, poems' wordless translations breathing in the silent spaces all over this museum. Am an endless flow of secrets, suspired in an alien tongue.
It was great reading you again.
Dani
······· ·······
|