Huddled in a Doorway Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Huddled in a Doorway

Huddled in a draughty doorway
on ground as hard as rock;
relentless cold, pervading,
through tired, aching bones.

A dirty threadbare blanket,
gives very little warmth;
drink, my only solace:
oblivion, my end goal.

I sit here non-existent,
watch people turn their gaze;
I wish that I could tell them,
inside, we’re just the same

I too had a home once,
family, warmth and love;
a purpose to my being,
joy in every day.

All that changed forever,
one fateful dreadful night,
when fire came a-calling
and stole from me my life.

The pain so overwhelming:
I drank to drown it out;
no job, no home,
no dignity;
no love;
no hope.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

This is good!

"drink, my only solace
oblivion, my goal"  These are sad words.

"inside, we're just the same"  So true yet people can't see.

I like what you've written.

Cathy~

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

A very seasonal reminder. I have printed this out to take away and read properly if I can get a peaceful time later.

Best wishes,  :dove:
Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks for your comments Cathy.  I'm pleased that you like  my poem.


Nina  

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

This a very heartfelt narative; the simple first person voice brings home the feelings chillingly.

Because the first stanza rhymes it sets up an expectation that the rest will (at least in my mind – but that may be because I know you can and do use rhyme to good effect). I’m not sure if that’s a ‘nit’ or not – just a comment.

I have made some tentative suggestions (mostly punctuation) in the body: {remove} [add] #comment#

Huddled in a Doorway

Huddled in a drafty doorway{,}
on ground as hard as stone;
relentless cold, pervading,
through tired, aching bones.

A dirty threadbare blanket,
gives very little warmth;
drink, my only solace{,}[:]
oblivion[,] my end goal.

I sit here non-existent, #excellent line – very chilling#
watch people turn their gaze;
{how} I wish that I could tell them,
inside, we’re just the same

I too had a home once,
family, warmth and love;
a purpose to my being,
joy in every day.

All that changed forever,
one fateful dreadful night,
when fire came a[-]calling #’a-calling’ feels rather poetically contrived#
and stole from me my life.

The pain so overwhelming[:]
I drank to drown it out;
no job, no home,
no dignity;
no love;
no hope. # some commas and some semi-colons?#

The last stanza is very powerful as it moves into the two-word statements with such finality.



Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Thanks for your comments and advice.  I still haven't quite grasped the subtleties of punctuation in poetry so your help is greatly appreciated.


Because the first stanza rhymes it sets up an expectation that the rest will (at least in my mind – but that may be because I know you can and do use rhyme to good effect). I’m not sure if that’s a ‘nit’ or not – just a comment.

I set out to write a free verse poem and the rhyming in the first stanza was unintentional.  I didn't even realise it rhymed till I read it through it.  It said what I wanted  and I couldn't think of other words that fitted better so I left the verse as it was.

Nina  :dove:

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Taken me a few days but I've arrived here - only to find you've had good advice already.

One of the great things about free verse is one can do anything one wishes to send the message one chooses. So you are perfectly able to rhyme verse one but not the rest and leave it there. Moreover, I would not want to see you compromise your intentions (I resist that strongly, too).

However (there always is an "however," isn't there?) I do think that Fran is right in that the first verse does seem at odds with the rest. However (and this is a good "however!") the solution is at hand, should you wish to use it...

Huddled in a drafty doorway
on ground as hard as stone;
relentless cold, pervading,
through tired, aching bones.

"as stone" is only a simile, I presume - i.e. nothing particular about stone? If there is this won't work. However, if not then why not just substitute another word. "Iron" is good but maybe a tad too like the carol and a cliche. You could use steel, a rock, granite, etc. Something to think about, anyway.

Also, I think there may be a spelling error - my spell-checker, at least, prefers “draughty” to “drafty.”

So, to give an example of a possibility...

Huddled in a draughty doorway
on ground as hard as granite;
relentless cold, pervading,
through tired, aching bones.

or:

Huddled in a draughty doorway
on ground as hard as rock;
relentless cold, pervading,
through tired, aching bones.

Any good to you?

Now, I thought this a great poem and was fascinated. The particular circumstances seem precise - is this based on a real incident? (should you wish to say, of course). It illustrates so well a chain of events which can lead from comfort to misery so quickly. We have seen plenty of examples of that in Asia this weekend and it reminds one how thin the thread is which attaches our quality existence to the fragile world. I “enjoyed” your poem a great deal, Nina. Thank you.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks James

Your advice as ever is excellent.  I will do as you suggest and change the word stone.  I think rock fits in better than granite.

I should be ashamed of myself making such a silly spelling mistake.  Must be old age affecting my brain.

The story is fiction, based purely on my imagination.  It was written after going to a concert in aid of the Passage, a charity which helps the homeless.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Nina, Hi,

Some imagination! You really made me think this was something you had encountered; most impressive.

Thank you for the information.

Spelling?? LOL - If I was ashamed for all my spelling errors, I'd live my life in shame. I am a terrible speller. Couldn't write a thing without a spell-checker - and that misses quite a few other errors of mine, anyway.

Thank you for your kind comments.

Cheerio, James.

[Cybele]

Good morning Nina,

Sorry I have arrived late but I have just returned from holiday and thought I would try to catch up on my reading of all the poems posted since I have been away.

This is a very thought-provoking poem written from a different angle which I am sure people don't consider. Everyone seems to think homelessness is self-inflicted, while your poem shows an entirely different reason which is most insightful and appealing.

Having read this piece and the comments regarding verse and blank verse I would like to offer a suggestion (although I am equally clueless about the rules of blank verse. I think the way you have broken up this lovely poem leads the reader to expect verse - that is how I tried to read it after the initial stanza. I think you could solve this by running the stanzas together and breaking off at different points.

Huddled in a Doorway


Huddled in a draughty doorway
on ground as hard as rock;
relentless cold, pervading,
through tired, aching bones.
A dirty threadbare blanket,
gives very little warmth;
drink,
my only solace: (omit 'only')
oblivion,
my end goal. (omit 'end'?)

I sit here non-existent,
watch people turn their gaze;
I wish that I could tell them,
inside, we’re just the same (full stop)
I too had a home once,
family, warmth and love;
a purpose to my being,
joy in every day.

All that changed forever,
one fateful(comma) dreadful night,
when fire came a-calling    (when fire came raging?)
and stole from me my life.
The pain so overwhelming:  Pain so overwhelmed me ?
I drank to drown it out;
no job, no home, (new line for 'no home' would add more drama?)
no dignity;
no love;
no hope.

Just a thought Nina ~ choose or lose.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cybele

Thanks for taking the time to read my poem and for your suggestions.  I too have no idea what the rules are for free verse (or rhyme for that matter) and I have a lot to learn about punctuation as well.  

I will have a look later at your suggestions, they are very much appreciated.

Nina

[Siren]

Dear Nina,

This hit me to the core. I read this through my heart or maybe I'm just in tune to sadness more. The emding is impeccable!

Good read.

Dani

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Dani

Thanks for your kind comments.

Nina

[Orion]

Nina,

You've expressed well the story from the 'inside view' in this
heartfelt write. Usually we view that situation from the outside.
Poets can take a subject and turn it inside out...that's one of the most enjoyable parts of writing.

You've done well with this.

Jan

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Jan

Thanks for your comments.  I like to look at issues from a different angle.

Nina