Antonio, hi, first thing I notice in your piece is your use of capitalization, I know there are a lot of people that will say that is a classic way of writing. But to a lot of us it is a bit of a distraction. I think this needs some punctuation also to help.
Such a load to bear, comma here those eyes so weary of long hours. full stop here Trying to be the man of the house. I think you could get rid of the first 'the'.
For the manyget rid of 'the' that depend on your shadow existing. change the comma to a full stop Know not your dreams as you are but a tool.I am unsure of exactly what you are trying to get across here, this is very vague to me.
Your father’s crime became your punishment,comma as he died maybe 'when he died?' and left his heavy yoke for untrained shoulders.
I like the implications of your message, I wonder if it might be extended and/or have just a little more depth. This is of course MHO and you may use or not as you wish.
Steve
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