A Problem to Solve, Rhyme Iambic Pentameter Revised Sep.07 Options

[Aggiel]

A Problem to Solve ( Revised )

Though flowers beautify a printed card,
but add some lines so readers will not doze.
A painter spawns the art, so does a bard,
as each composes lines to praise the rose.

A farewell brandish from a friendly hand
will send you off to yonder lonely seat
to bury like an ostrich in the sand.
Take time to think before you wet your feet.

Reflect, the sun that sinks behind the hills
again will rise at dawn, to shine, to glow.
Today a daisy withers in the chills,
tomorrow, other buds will bloom, will grow.

Friends, if your mood is gloomy, let's break it;
go watch the saffron moon until it fades,
or read a book or quietly sit and knit.
Do choose to smile, not scowl, till luck cascades.




A Problem to Solve( Original)

A flower looks pretty printed on cards.
But add some lines so readers will not doze.
A painter creates art and so do bards
as each composes lines to praise the rose.

A farewell is a wave of the right hand,
to send you off to your lonely window;
like an ostrich hides its head on the sand,
or a rabbit burrows in a meadow.

Today the sun sinks beyond the horizon
Tomorrow the sun will rise, will glow.
Today, a lily drops to the ground,
Tomorrow, another bud will bloom, will grow.

My friend, if you have a problem,
so have I. But let us leave it a while,
to savor the orange sun while it lasts,
then hug our pillows till dreams beguile.

correction:

stanza 1, line 3,4

We sit around the park to doze and doze.
A painter creates art, so do most bards;
one loves to paint, the others smell a rose.

[Aggiel]

Cathy,

Thanks for checking in.

You have got a lot of useful tips and observations
which will help in my revision.

I like a friendly hand. It sounds much better than the original,
" a wave of the right hand" .

But I think “ as each composes lines to praise the rose.”
is ok to me as artists do use lines too to create a picture.

I rather like your two lines too, something for me
to ponder.

A painter designs beauty, as do bards,
as each creates images to praise the rose.

But I want to keep” lonely window, “ that speaks
volumes to me as a window is a place we
sit to stare out and see the world goes by.

A Chinese poem describes a person’s learning
as “ten years beneath the poor window.”

I suppose when we write we let a bit of us slip in.

Yes, I am excited about “ saffron” ,and will drop orange.

Thanks for checking in Cathy and the useful help.


Liz, I will be back to you later after I have prepared
my breakfast.



Aggie