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Posted on: Nov 11 12, 17:05 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
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Hi Eisa,
I haven't been here in a long time but read this and really, really enjoyed this. I think the beauty of it is that so many of us have similar childhood memories...that silence and hush when someone is ill or dying.... the reverence of the room, Grandad "a shadow" and the child noticing the difference in his appearance. Grandma "gathered me in" is a beautiful line and the finish is just poignant and lovely..the child now playing with a friend in the room...the love evident in the "woven willow stool".
The only slight suggestion, and it is slight, is that maybe "gaunt" isn't a word that the child might use, since we are seeing the scene through her eyes. Then again, it well could be. It just struck me slightly. I thought "when his kidneys were invaded" was a perfect description, it sounds like something the child might have overheard and not completely understood, maybe wondered about.
Really, really beautiful..I could "see" and feel the whole scene
Lucie xx |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #129252
· Replies: 11
· Views: 4,133
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Posted on: Jun 24 10, 05:22 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
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Hello Snow,
I really loved this..that last line just took me breath away and as I read, I could not only picture the scene of the shopping mall and watching the shoppers but then have this wonderful glimpse into a treasured memory and it's such a testament to your writing that you can share such a personal and important memory and allow the reader to "see" so clearly, not just the memory but your thoughts about it now. I think it's beautiful. I put in a few suggestions and they're only small so please feel free to ignore!!
Familiar Warmth
Parked on the padded chairs at the window table we are pleasured by refreshments; bulging shopping bags weigh against the wall. (I wondered about using "weighted" as so often the more shopping we have, the harder to keep the bags sitting upright?! Only a tiny detail though)
I recall , lunching here with her, (do you need "I recall"..just a thought..) munching chicken & salad bagels; we gazed through the glass as bargain hunters cram their trunks with treasure. (should "cram" be "crammed"?)
After our rummage through the shopping mall we relished time for energy renewal drinking cups of gossip to quench curiosity. Her laughter, a gurgling geyser, often erupted to drench me. (brilliant and lovely image)
Today, I perch opposite my husband (how about "today, perched opposite my husband?") Mam’s sitting here with us - (as such a powerful line..would this work in itallics? or even standing alone above the stanza then going on to the line with your husband?) my stare dares him not to sneer. Peering up from the Daily News his closed mouth smile indulges me. (so well described..)
Is it the sunrays embrace through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea -or just this old haunt? … but
years after her departure that familiar warmth we shared, radiates from my core until even my fingertips tingle.
I adore these last two stanzas..wouldn't change a think about them and that final line..such a beautiful way of showing the extraordinary in a routine event shared with someone so special..this is really marvellous and I'm so glad I read it xx |
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #122087
· Replies: 16
· Views: 10,062
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Posted on: Jun 9 10, 10:07 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
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Seasons (revision)The long evenings helped to make sense of it in daylight. Flowers hurt; night-scented remnants from another life. Orange and black; candlelight. The day you walked unaided to the garden gate. Flowers curled back to ground; we retreated indoors. Glowing air; hot drinks; camped around your bed, we talked in firelight. Harshest since 1963. The hospital drive through snow, each day, to you. Frozen trees; branches gnarled in ice and shadow. That sunlit Monday you stopped traffic, strangers held my hands at the gate. Lowered heads, foggy streets and silence. First snowdrops. Shadows lengthen. Pale, intangible sunlight. OriginalLife in three seasons SummerThe long evenings helped to make sense of it in daylight. Flowers hurt; night-scented remnants from another life. AutumnOrange and black; candlelight. The day you walked unaided to the garden gate. Flowers curled back to ground; we retreated indoors. Glowing air; hot drinks; camped around your bed, we talked in firelight. WinterHardest since 1963. The hospital drive through snow, each day, to you. Frozen trees; branches gnarled in ice and shadow. That sunlit Monday you stopped traffic, strangers held my hands at the gate. Lowered heads, foggy streets and silence. SpringFirst snowdrops. Shadows lengthen. Pale, intangible sunlight. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #121859
· Replies: 15
· Views: 8,020
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Posted on: Jun 5 10, 14:51 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
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Hi Eisa, I came "visiting" and wondering if I'd ever be able to get back into the habit of commenting and knowing what to say but when I saw the brilliant work here I knew I could and this is just an amazing poem. I read both versions and think your revisions are excellent.
The predator nibbles at recollections scattering his leftovers. (this is such a powerful image..it takes my breath away)
I saw your father last night (and this line...somehow even without the explanation this line says everything it needs to..although I think the explanation is really well written and important too..the earthquake image is so powerful, as is "in a tremor of aftershock"
The images of everyday things..the cap, the brooch and the photos say so much. You have really skillfully been able to show us the significance of items deeply important and personal to you.
I scrutinize their wedding photo, all eyes smiling, lips saying Cheese. His dark waves were intact … yes, he was handsome. (I love this)
I think he might take me back
When their marriage fractured a tug of war stretched me until I split into pieces. Although middle-aged, I was a child. (such a poignant and beautiful line)
And you finish it in, again, a poignant line...a sense of loss..every line and indeed, word in this poem is doing an important job and showing us, far more than the present situation, but the snapshots of lives and loves.
You did a marvellous job with this and I'm sure it wasn't easy..I'm really glad I read it xxxx |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #121779
· Replies: 13
· Views: 9,086
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Posted on: Jun 5 10, 14:41 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
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Hi Sylvia!
Bet you didn't expect to see me here..it's been a while and I came visiting today and saw this..wow!
Straight away, my first impression is of your brilliant phrase "awesome becomes awful"..it's superb and really says so much. Just as when disasters such as this strike..we're shocked at the terrible consequences but also fascinated by the sights of nature truly unleashing itself (well, when we're watching on a tv screen.) and by turn back to sheer horror at what is happening..and that's likewise in this magnificent poem..I'm captivated by your marvellous depiction of what is happening:
Concealed ‘neath placid seas, the monster thunders and rumbles, molding majestic tidal waves rushing landward, illumined by marine radiance, twinkling stars.
and then you skillfully remind us of the terrible effects:
indifferent to prayers, ignoring panic in children’s eyes, the screams of women, resignation in old men’s countenances.
your capture the sheer fury and relentless of the movement and the mercilessness of the situation
it dallies for days in lunatic spurts of chthonic fury.(wow..what a brilliant line)
before showing us the aftermath..the child's sandal, the "heaps" of bodies and this poignant question
Are the deadliest swipes aimed at the feeblest, in blind Darwinian fashion?
I loved how you finish and this poem is just a work of art..I'm so glad I read it xx
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Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'...
· Post Preview: #121778
· Replies: 25
· Views: 17,621
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Posted on: Dec 20 08, 15:37 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
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Hi Steve,
I was right there with you as I read this poem...I could feel very bit of the breeze and the sense of wonder and freedom that it is really only possible to appreciate, sadly, when the time has gone! I enjoyed this so much, will be back to read over and over.
My only small suggestion (and feel free to ignore) is in line 8..I felt that maybe you might like to say "like birds" or something similar rather than "free as birds".
I love the fact that you have no stanzas, just lines after each other because it conveys the sense of movement and release, as do lines such as "Kicking up dust from a barely graveled road" and I think these lines are superb
Our dandelion parachutes float on breezeless scorched mornings
They give a sense of "anything is possible"!
Love your last three lines too...there's magic, nostalgia and pure memory there.
As you can see, I really enjoyed this poem! |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #112307
· Replies: 12
· Views: 3,894
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Posted on: May 13 08, 09:59 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
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Hello!
I think this is a beautiful poem, from the fabulous title right down to the last lines. I also think the two revisions work really well and the present poem is now really tight, allowing the images to jump out at the reader. I think
Only the lull of a bass resuscitates the heart beat of her forgotten child; the one who used to soar upon others melodies and grew to breathe her own.
is a wonderful stanza..the career or perhaps the life of the music maker is told in these lines and I think you were right to keep the two ivorys because it seems to signify the importance of the instrument, and as you said, I've often noticed, when watching someone talented play the piano, that person and instrument almost seem to merge, in the performance, both are the same and one is as important to observe as the other, if that makes sense. And you've told and shown this in this poem.
I'm sorry, I haven't any suggestions for you..though if anything comes to mind, I'll return. But I wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading this and you've done great work with the revisions.:) |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #108150
· Replies: 9
· Views: 5,029
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Posted on: May 13 08, 06:49 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
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Hi Lori and everyone,
Just had a little suggestion to add. There's some great ideas on this thread and of course, to put all of them into action at once would be a lot of hard work!! And it might be hard to know at the beginning, which ones to put the work into. So how about a sort of questionaire to members, or at least to active members, with ideas and get people to indicate which ones interest them, or what they think; and then based on the replies, it might be easier to know which things are worth going ahead with? I would be really happy to give a hand with this if it was something you wanted to do. Just a thought anyway!! I thought the points made above about this site compared to Vanity sites was so true and interesting. Before I found here, I went to quite a few!! And couldn't understand why all people wanted was praise. I got into terrible trouble at one point for trying to make a suggestion!! Since I came here, I feel I've learned so much that has benefitted my writing and the lovely thing is that anytime I'm given constructive feedback, it's always done in such a helpful and respectful way and I can see the point of it immediately. I don't think I've ever even disagreed slightly with a suggestion I've been given. And in turn, I know if I comment on anyone's work, I will get a reply and that in turn has taught me a lot about critiquing and given me loads of enjoyment with the added opportunities for interaction and getting to know people. So please remember Lori, what you've created here, is just so marvellous and even though times like this must be disheartening, your acheivements here are absolutely wonderful:) |
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Forum: General Site Information -> Scribe's Stylus
· Post Preview: #108146
· Replies: 34
· Views: 27,354
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Posted on: May 5 08, 02:18 |
Creative Chieftain
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
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Hello Lori and everyone, I got your email and decided to email you back though I feel very guilty about my not-so-recent absences from MM. Anyway, I promise to begin to remedy that. I joined MM in 2003 and of all websites I have ever visited/joined/frequented, it has so many good memories and positive learning experiences for me and that's why I feel bad that I have so lax about it in the past year. I'm not sure if perhaps there might be other members in the same position as me but I thought I'd share my thoughts with you and see if there may be many possibilities here. I think since last year when studies took up so much of my time, I kind of got out of the habit of doing the more enjoyable things I had been doing online and haven;t really gotten back to normal! In that time, of course, MM has changed a lot. I do continue to visit quite often and don't recognise so many faces or haven't yet caught up with all of the different forums. I don't see many of the people I remember from there, although there are still quite a few I know. This is no excuse..I know all I have to do is start posting and I will get to know everyone again; MM has always been so friendly. I wondered would there be any things we could do as a group though; getting to know you things..looking at which members might be interested in getting involved in certain activities etc., maybe even sort of discussions/threads etc to see what people might like to set up or participate in. I say this of course, not wanting to create more work for you at a time when you feel disheartened..maybe there are things that those of us who get involved could help with. If members had suggestions of anything they'd like to see happening, we could take an active role. I don't mean to imply, by the way, that there needs to more happening because that's certainly not the case. What I've always enjoyed so much about MM is that there was always something new each time I visited. But perhaps a collection of thoughts in a survey or discussion form might shed light on things or be useful in some way. Lori, in my case, it really just has been that I got disorganised with somethings and have found it hard to catch up again. But this issue has given me a push I really will begin to get involved again. My other "excuse", which perhaps could be the case for others is a severe case of writers block!!!! But things like the monthly challenges have always helped me with that so I'm going to give that a go first when I begin to post again. I've probably lost track of quite a lot going on at the moment, and maybe plenty of this is happening already but another thing I always thought was great in MM was the challenges, like members choice etc. where people voted, and the Pandora challenges when they worked that way as well..they all created a gerat atmosphere, not of competitiveness (is that even a word!!) but of fun and participation. They're just some of my thoughts and they probably make no sense as I'm just typing as I think!! But I'm so sorry that this has all made you feel so disheartened after the marvellous work you put into the site. I think it's important that you know what a brilliant place you have created and continue to create, and at the same time, please don't feel bad for wanting to do your own stuff as well; that is completely understandable and as things pick up, which I have every confidence they will, more participation might take the pressure off you as well. Lori, again I send huge apologies for not being around more and I will do my very best now to "re-discover" MM and am looking forward to it! I hope you are well and that everything is going well for you; despite this small set-back. If we all pull together, I'm sure things will be back on track in no time. Take care and let me know anything I could do to help and Sylvia, really looking forward to visiting your blog:) Hugs, Lucie xx |
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Forum: General Site Information -> Scribe's Stylus
· Post Preview: #107937
· Replies: 34
· Views: 27,354
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