THE BLACK WIDOW WHO LOVES YOU Options

[Alan]

THE BLACK WIDOW WHO LOVES YOU

Your life is like a black widow spider,
for it grabs you, gives you great games to play;
optimism-filled, you blossom and thrive,
- as it worms itself deep in, to your blood.

First life loves, making horizons wider,
thrilling with hope, even bite-size glory;
dynamism filled, you have lots of drive;
- life’s trickle changes in to raging flood.

Yet sometime, when you’re truly its captive,
like bird, or alien monster, it strikes :
paying life’s bill, you’re devoured alive :
you come down, in to earth, with a thud ....

Alan McAlpine Douglas

[Larry]

Hi Alan,

Ain't it the truth! Life usually does (at one time or another) come up and bite you on the ass.

Didn't know if you wanted nits/crits so I'll ask first.

Very interesting analogy you have used in your premise. Never thought of life that way before.

Larry

[Alan]

Dear Larry,

Thank you, yes, I had an epiphany with that idea as well !

You are always so precise with your comments and crits, yes please.

Love
Alan

[Larry]

Hey Alan,

I finally got back to this thread. I've been working on my new Villanelle I told you about and wanted to get it posted before the week ran out on me.

First of all, let me ask - "Is this written in Trochaic IP?" If it is, never mind my first nit. Sometimes I find it hard to discern the meter used because of my "Suthun' Drawl".

Secondly, I was thrown by your rhyme scheme. I get abcd, aecd, fgcd.

Let me know if I'm way off base, okay. As always, take or toss.

Larry

[Alan]

Dear Larry,

Yes, rhyme scheme is as you say. As to whether trochaic, I have no idea. I read the poem aloud to catch any glitsches, the tongue cannot go where the eye has glibly been.

Are you saying the rhyme sch does not work ? Does it haul you up to ponder ? And would this be the case if you were not so knowkedgable on forms and such ?

Love
Alan

[Larry]

Hi Alan,

The reason I asked about trochaic or not (pardon the "Trochaic IP" in the former post - that is an oxymoron. Can't be Tro and Iamb at the same time.) is not knowing how the author wishes to stress what syl. I had to read it a few times to (hopefully) ascertain your intent.

The rhyme scheme doesn't bother me; more like suprises me because it wasn't what I expected. It definitely hauls me up to ponder both your intent and the poems message.

You are also correct in the statement about my being a bit of a "meter maid" and a card carrying member of the "form police". Please pardon me for those minor flaws in my otherwise exemplary character.

Larry

[Alan]

Dear Larry,

I hope my stating about your form knowledge was not taken as crit ! It is something I lack, except for vills and triolets. As for meter eyc, I go by instinct and how it reads, esp aloud.

I thought I would put the stresses in to see if we agree here :

Your life is like a black widow spider,
for it grabs you, gives you great games to play;
optimism-filled, you blossom and thrive,
- as it worms itself deep in, to your blood.

First life loves, making horizons wider,
thrilling with hope, even bite-size glory;
dynamism filled, you have lots of drive;
- life’s trickle changes in to raging flood.

Yet sometime, when you’re truly its captive,
like bird, or alien monster, it strikes :
paying life’s bill, you’re devoured alive :
you come down, in to earth, with a thud ....

Now, you'll be relieved to know, even I can see the irregularities, perhaps I am going by beats rather than sylls ? You might also be pleased to know that I had to amend what I thought was stressed when I tried to read the result in preview !

So tell me, do my stresses make sense ? And, if so, are they so unnatural that they give the reader a problem ? I feel I might well learn something here ....

Love
Alan

[Larry]

Hi Alan,

I'm working on the crit/suggestions/synopsis of your poem. Not to change the meaning but for clarity of meter. I went through a few of the lines you posted with your stressed/unstressed emphasis noted. Although you missed a few syls in "optimism" (4) and "horizons" (3), I get the gist of how you read it aloud. It will take some time to go through the whole poem metrically but on first glance, I found that you ran the gamut from Iambic to Pyrrhic. If that was your intent (to utilize all metric forms), kudos... if not, I might have to beg some assistance from Merlin or Daniel.

To give you an example:

Your life is like a black widow spider

"Your life is like a black" - Iambic
"black widow" - Dactylic or "widow spider" - Anapestic; but "spider" could be construed to be Trochaic.

Hope you can see what I mean. I don't want to sound pedantic (but I probably do sound that way.)

I should probably leave it alone and let your poem stand as it is written. Wouldn't hurt a bit. Please don't take upbrage with my trying to help. I mean no disrespect for your poem. It carries an excellent "Life Lesson" no matter how it is read.

Larry

[Alan]

Dear Larry,

Helpful crit such as you always offer is not something to take um at ! So no nee to worry.

Have to confess I don't even know what those poetic terms mean, as I say. I go by reading alour to see if it flows.

And as you say, none the worse for that !

Love
Alan