The Beetles' Erotic Interpretation of Morse Code, Wizard Award ~ 2nd REVISION + new Stanza Options

[Guest_Toumai_*]

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The Beetles' Erotic Interpretation of Morse Code

Second revision ~ with additional verse (S4)

I’m not writing in Black Lace
that’s not my genre or my taste;
Hogwarts School won't have an orgy;
fast-paced chases always chaste.

Staccato tapping on my keyboard;
novel word-count the reward -
suddenly I hear an echo
from behind the skirting board.

I’ve awakened some strange curse:
percussion playing on my nerves;
disturbing deathwatch beetles
while composing lousy verse.

Now the writing's in the wall
will my homely hovel fall
into a crumbled, tumbled ruin:
result if I do bug--- all?

Direly decomposing joists
will occur: it's warm and moist ...
I called the pest control at once:
cool anxieties they voiced.

"Indeed, Ma’am borers post real trouble -
they’ll reduce your home to rubble,
reproducing in a tick:
we’ll be there on the double."

While I wait I’ll lie here reading -
randy insects interceding …
“Miss, I couldn’t do my homework
cuz my beetles started breeding.”



revised - thanks everyone for all the help  

I’m not writing in Black Lace
that’s not my genre or my taste;
Hogwarts School won't have an orgy;
fast-paced chases always chaste.

Staccato tapping on my keyboard;
novel word-count the reward -
suddenly I hear an echo
from behind the skirting board.

I’ve awakened some strange curse:
percussion playing on my nerves;
disturbing deathwatch beetles
while composing lousy verse.

Direly decomposing joists
will occur: it's warm and moist ...
I called the pest control at once:
anxieties I voiced.

"Indeed, Ma’am borers are real trouble -
they’ll reduce your home to rubble,
reproducing rapidly:
we’ll be there on the double."

While I wait I’ll lie here reading -
randy insects interceding …
“Miss, I couldn’t do my homework
cuz my beetles started breeding.”

© Toumai, 2005

This was inspired by two things: firstly, Mike's amazing titles (I had to find a goodun) and secondly, a true tale; a fellow writer who lives in an old house found that each time she typed her beetle infestation would reply, presumably assuming that her tapping was a breeding call.


original

The Beetles' Erotic Interpretation of Morse Code
(a very boring tale)

I’m not writing in black lace
that’s not my genre or my taste;
the Famous Five don’t do an orgy:
each fast-paced chase is always chaste.

Staccato tapping on my keyboard;
novel word-count my reward -
until I hear an echo
from behind the skirting board.

I’ve awakened some strange curse:
the noise keeps getting worse;
I’ve disturbed my deathwatch beetles
while composing lousy verse.

Will this lead to decomposing joists
in conditions warm and moist?
I called the pest control at once:
countless anxieties I voiced.

"Indeed Ma’am borers are real trouble -
they’ll reduce your home to rubble;
they reproduce too quickly.
We’ll get there on the double."

While I wait I’ll lie here reading -
randy insects interceding …
“Miss, I couldn’t do my homework
cuz my beetles started breeding.”

[Guest_Billydo_*]

OK Fran

this title attracted me like a flame to a moth.

Randy beetles indeed. This is great fun. I especially enjoyed the composing/decomposing and the homework excuse.

I've got to take the kids to a May Day steam rally at the park right now, but I had to have a quick look when I saw the title.

Catch you later.

Cheers

Mike

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Mike,

Thanks for dropping by and upping the insect count (moths)

I hope you enjoyed your rally - suitably steamy?

Cheers,

Fran

[Cybele]

Hi Fran,

Great title and sub titles!  Couple of thoughts chuck or choose.

I’m not writing in black lace
that’s not my genre or my taste;
the Famous Five don’t do an orgy:
each fast-paced chase is always chaste.

L4 Each thrilling chase is always chaste.  ?

Staccato tapping on my keyboard;
novel word-count my reward -
until I hear an echo
from behind the skirting board.

L3  Suddenly I hear an echo ?


I’ve awakened some strange curse:
the noise keeps getting worse;
I’ve disturbed my deathwatch beetles
while composing lousy verse.

L2 the noise is growing, getting worse  ?

Above two stanzas Fran

a novel or verse?

Will this lead to decomposing joists
in conditions warm and moist?
I called the pest control at once:
countless anxieties I voiced.

L1 too many syllables Fran, how about

Will this lead to rotting/mouldering joists

"Indeed Ma’am borers are real trouble -
they’ll reduce your home to rubble;
they reproduce too quickly.
We’ll get there on the double."

L3 they reproduce so rapidly ?

While I wait I’ll lie here reading -
randy insects interceding …
“Miss, I couldn’t do my homework
cuz my beetles started breeding.”


Probably one of the best excuses I have ever heard Fran

Great fun. Thanks for the read.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Grace,

Yep, I was in silly mode earlier and this popped out.

I’m not writing in black lace
that’s not my genre or my taste;
the Famous Five don’t do an orgy:
each fast-paced chase is always chaste.

L4 Each thrilling chase is always chaste.  ?

Excellent idea: I'll use that, thanks.

Staccato tapping on my keyboard;
novel word-count my reward -
until I hear an echo
from behind the skirting board.

L3  Suddenly I hear an echo ?

not sure that gets the picture quiet as I wish ... will thank, thanks.

I’ve awakened some strange curse:
the noise keeps getting worse;
I’ve disturbed my deathwatch beetles
while composing lousy verse.

L2 the noise is growing, getting worse  ?

Yes! Thanks again.

Above two stanzas Fran

a novel or verse?

Ah ... well the friend who told me the story of her boring beetles was writing an Enid Blyton type adventure - hence the Famous Five ... but then I was writing verse, so maybe I got a bit confused here.

Will this lead to decomposing joists
in conditions warm and moist?
I called the pest control at once:
countless anxieties I voiced.

L1 too many syllables Fran, how about

Will this lead to rotting/mouldering joists

But I wanted the decomposing to follow the composing in the previous S (says she, pouting). Another one to think about.

hm...

Dire decomposing joist(s)  --- ?

"Indeed Ma’am borers are real trouble -
they’ll reduce your home to rubble;
they reproduce too quickly.
We’ll get there on the double."

L3 they reproduce so rapidly ?

Thanks - great idea.

While I wait I’ll lie here reading -
randy insects interceding …
“Miss, I couldn’t do my homework
cuz my beetles started breeding.”

Probably one of the best excuses I have ever heard Fran

That's what we all thought - trouble is, the teacher was there laughing with us, so she can't use it (in that class, at least)

Thanks for all the excellent help, Grace

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

This was most amusing. Well done - enjoyed it muchly.

I just hope the Death Watch Beetles don’t get in the wooden beds... one hates to think of trying to keep beat to their metronomes!

Well done, J.

A few comments / suggestions:

You have used "get" and "getting" - I would try to change those if possible. (It's easy with getting - becomming).

The Beetles' Erotic Interpretation of Morse Code
(a very boring tale)

>>Well, what pun!

>>I can see you mean the insects, not the band, because of the spelling. However the pun is excellent. I also like the juxtaposition of “erotic” and “boring” - most cheeky.

I’m not writing in black lace (capitals for Black Lace, especially as “Famous Five” have them?)
that’s not my genre or my taste;
the Famous Five don’t do an orgy: (“don’t do” sounds rather awkward  - expecially with “orgy“ in the singular)
each fast-paced chase is always chaste. (LOL)

Staccato tapping on {my} [a or the] keyboard; (“my” occurs in next line, too)
novel word-count my reward -
until I hear an echo
from behind the skirting board.

I’ve awakened some strange curse:
{the}[that] noise keeps getting worse; (just sounds better to me)
I’ve disturbed my deathwatch beetles (“Death Watch - two words maybe - certainly capitals)
while composing lousy verse.

(louse - lol!)

Will this lead to decomposing joists (Now I know nowt about R&M but this line felt longer???)
in conditions warm and moist? (back to the erotic, I see)
I called the pest control at once:
countless anxieties I voiced.

"Indeed Ma’am borers are real trouble -
they’ll reduce your home to rubble;
they reproduce too quickly.
We’ll get there on the double." (Metaphor for man and the planet?)

While I wait I’ll lie here reading -
randy insects interceding …
“Miss, I couldn’t do my homework
cuz my beetles started breeding.” (“cuz” in italics?)

(I’ve heard many excuses - even a hamster eating homework - but not beetles!)

© Toumai, 2005

This was {inpired} (spelling error) by two things: firstly, Mike's amazing titles (I had to find a goodun) and secondly, a true tale; a fellow writer who lives in an old house found that each time she typed her beetle infestation would reply, {presumeably} (spelling error) assuming that her tapping was a breeding call.

“goodun” in inverted commas?

[jgdittier]

Dear Fran,
This posting has attracted all those comments because it deserves
them. The title and subject just won't permit the reader to move on.
I believe this one deserves the best polishing possible, then should be auctioned to a exterminating company.
Poetry pointed at pernicious pests in persistant propagation pleases people.
Cheers,     jgd

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

This was most amusing. Well done - enjoyed it muchly.

hey - appreciation soc   Shock  

I just hope the Death Watch Beetles don’t get in the wooden beds... one hates to think of trying to keep beat to their metronomes!

tch, tch  

You have used "get" and "getting" - I would try to change those if possible. (It's easy with getting - becomming).

Darn. They will just sneak in. I probably should have sat on this a bit before posting ... but then it might never get there.

The Beetles' Erotic Interpretation of Morse Code
(a very boring tale)

Well, what pun!

>>I can see you mean the insects, not the band, because of the spelling. However the pun is excellent. I also like the juxtaposition of “erotic” and “boring” - most cheeky

thank you  

I’m not writing in black lace (capitals for Black Lace, especially as “Famous Five” have them?) --- I could have been refering to my attire, James - not a publisher (but, yes, you're probably right)
that’s not my genre or my taste;
the Famous Five don’t do an orgy: (“don’t do” sounds rather awkward  - expecially with “orgy“ in the singular)  --- okay, I'll think about that
each fast-paced chase is always chaste. (LOL)  --- thanks; Grace has a good idea re this line

Staccato tapping on {my} [a or the] keyboard; (“my” occurs in next line, too)  --- thanks
novel word-count my reward -
until I hear an echo
from behind the skirting board.

I’ve awakened some strange curse:
{the}[that] noise keeps getting worse; (just sounds better to me)  --- yes, that line needs changing
I’ve disturbed my deathwatch beetles (“Death Watch - two words maybe - certainly capitals)  --- why caps? 'sparrow' doesn't need to be capitalized, so why a type of beetle? I think it's all one word ... must double check.
while composing lousy verse.

(louse - lol!)  --- thank you  

Will this lead to decomposing joists (Now I know nowt about R&M but this line felt longer???)  --- darn! You are right but I wanted the decpmposing. Okay, needs work
in conditions warm and moist? (back to the erotic, I see)  --- lol, wasn't sure anyone would 'get' (sorry) that
I called the pest control at once:
countless anxieties I voiced.

"Indeed Ma’am borers are real trouble -
they’ll reduce your home to rubble;
they reproduce too quickly.
We’ll get there on the double." (Metaphor for man and the planet?)  --- indeed

While I wait I’ll lie here reading -
randy insects interceding …
“Miss, I couldn’t do my homework
cuz my beetles started breeding.” (“cuz” in italics?) --- possibly

(I’ve heard many excuses - even a hamster eating homework - but not beetles!)

I thought it was too good a story to waste

This was {inpired} (spelling error) by two things: firstly, Mike's amazing titles (I had to find a goodun) and secondly, a true tale; a fellow writer who lives in an old house found that each time she typed her beetle infestation would reply, {presumeably} (spelling error) assuming that her tapping was a breeding call. --- oops, I didn't spell check the notes - thanks

“goodun” in inverted commas? --- the krek way? Maybe

James, thanks so much for the crit; very helpful and enjoyable. Maybe I'll get around to writing something more serious again soon (or maybe I'm indenial with an election imminent).

[Guest_Jox_*]

Thanks for your reply Fran.

Death Watch Sparrow - fair point. Accepted.

Good luck.

Krek??? what does that mean?

[Guest_Toumai_*]

James, where I come from krek = correct (as in 'the krek waiter's peak Bristle' = 'the correct way to speak Bristol' ... sorry)

I've changed my mind regarding S1 L4; I will keep the fast-paced for the alliteration with chased/chaste.

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi jgd,

This posting has attracted all those comments because it deserves
them. The title and subject just won't permit the reader to move on.

Thank you very much  

I believe this one deserves the best polishing possible, then should be auctioned to a exterminating company.

What would they do to it?  Shock

Poetry pointed at pernicious pests in persistant propagation pleases people.



And thank you again - glad it amused you. Any polishing advice gladly received.

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Thanks for the explanation Fran.

I shall never take a meal in Bristol again without thinking of that.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

I enjoyed reading about your trials and tribulations with boring beetles.  Love all the puns especially while composing lousy verse.  Alan and James will have some competition at our next pub meet.

You have had plenty of crits so I'll just relax and chuckle at your humour.

Nina

[jgdittier]

Dear Fran,
I'm assuming that you know my thrust is on cadence and you invited my crit anyway.
Title-already dazzling
Cadence-I scanned your piece writing down das and dums as I would read it. Looking at that sheet, I'd have guessed that the piece would be bumpy, at least to me. However, reading it aloud, it seems to flow just right for its topic. I believe the humor in it, the aaxa rhyme scheme
and the fact that altho we both speak English, I doubt we do it similarly, all conspire to bring smiles.
The only line I felt joggling was line 7. One out of 36 would be an A in my book.
As to the words, this furriner doesn't know who the "Famous Five" are
or the significance of black lace. I've never seen nor heard of a Death Watch beetle, I suspect we call them termites.
Do you have wooly-bears (inch long fuzzy grubs, black on the ends and brown in the middle)? They, like groundhogs, help predict the weather.
The "or" can be "nor" in line 2.
The piece is too full of humor to pick out the Best.
I believe your rhyme scheme, letting line 3 go unrythmed, adds to the freedom the piece projects.
My scansion for the last stanza is pure trochaic tetrameter allowing you to use feminine rhymes and concludes the piece sprightly.
I'd call it "a keeper".
Cheers,    jgd

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Ron,

I'm doing a little penance here because I didn't realise about the aaxa verse scheme. Oops! (I often don't see patterns at all).

Black Lace - erotic lingerie and also the name of a UK book publisher which specialises in erotic novels by - and for - women.

I don't think death watch beetles and termites are the same thing - but they do have the same effect of eating wood (I believe New Orleans is being eaten now). Still, Fran's a biologist so I'd better say no more.

"The Famous Five" were / are characters in a long and famous series of children's books by the 1940s-60s children's author, Enid Blighton (who also took the American Uncle Remus stories of Brer rabbit and popularised them over here). I think four of the famous five were human and one a dog (or five humans and a dog - Timmy, I think). All innocent stuff.

Well, I hope that helps - as for the rest, I'm sure Fran will answer when she returns in the morning.

Best wishes to you, James.

[Guest__*]

Dear Fran,

Thank God it wasn't woodpeckers !

Well done on out-Pinking Mike !

I'm not sure I have any crit, but I'll go thru here and offer whatever I see.

I’m not writing in Black Lace
that’s not my genre or my taste;
the Famous Five won't have an orgy: Perhaps Hogwarts won't - more universal ?
fast-paced chases always chaste.

Staccato tapping on my keyboard;
novel word-count the reward -
until I hear an echo
from behind the skirting board.

I’ve awakened some strange curse:
percussion playing on my nerves;
I’ve disturbed my deathwatch beetles -- disturbing d/w beetles ?
while composing lousy verse.

Direly decomposing joists
will occur: it's warm and moist ...
I called the pest control at once:
anxieties I voiced.

"Indeed Ma’am borers are real trouble -  -- Indeed comma ?
they’ll reduce your home to rubble;
they reproduce too rapidly. -- while reproducing rapidly ?
We’ll get there on the double." -- be there on the d ... - more usual anyway

While I wait I’ll lie here reading - While waiting I'll lie ... ?
randy insects interceding …
“Miss, I couldn’t do my homework
cuz my beetles started breeding.”

Fran, very well done ! This IS what poetry is all about - taking the tiniest incident and getting it across so well. Move over Pam.

I felt at the last meeting that Jox and I had severe competition, anyway ....

Love
Alan

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

I enjoyed reading about your trials and tribulations with boring beetles.  

Luckily not mine - we live in a new house (so leaky plumbing, instead).

Love all the puns especially while composing lousy verse.  Alan and James will have some competition at our next pub meet.

You mean e didn't give them a hard enough time at the last one?

You have had plenty of crits so I'll just relax and chuckle at your humour.

Thank you - a little light entertainment. I shall take this to my class this afternoon and give it to the lady who had the beetle problem, lol.

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear jgd,

I'm assuming that you know my thrust is on cadence and you invited my crit anyway.

Yes - I do wish to learn (says she, nervously)

Title-already dazzling

Thank you

Cadence-I scanned your piece writing down das and dums as I would read it. Looking at that sheet, I'd have guessed that the piece would be bumpy, at least to me.

My expectation, too, Ron.  

However, reading it aloud, it seems to flow just right for its topic. I believe the humor in it, the aaxa rhyme scheme
and the fact that altho we both speak English, I doubt we do it similarly, all conspire to bring smiles.
The only line I felt joggling was line 7. One out of 36 would be an A in my book.

Thanks - from yourself that is a grand award.

Yes, L7 is not quite right. I will have to find a better solution. Thanks.

As to the words, this furriner doesn't know who the "Famous Five" are or the significance of black lace. I've never seen nor heard of a Death Watch beetle, I suspect we call them termites.

Ah, translation time.

James has already covered the Black Lace and The Famous Five - tho I think I shall take up Alan's more modern suggestion on the latter (Harry Potter reference).

Deathwatch beetles lay their eggs in rotting hardwood (so leaky roofs - or plumbing - soften up the old oaken beams nicely for them) and the maggots bore thru the wood. I think they may take years to reach maturity. When they do emerge thru a tiny hole they make a clicking noise to attract a mate. The noise is only obvious when the house is silent - so those sitting up all night with the very sick - on the death watch - would hear them. Hence the name. Although slow eaters, in large numbers they can devastate old timbers (I grew up in an old house and the roof and front wall both had to be rebuilt because of beetle damage). However, they are nothing like as speedy and destructive as termites (we expect our buildings to last centuries, not mere decades).

Do you have wooly-bears (inch long fuzzy grubs, black on the ends and brown in the middle)? They, like groundhogs, help predict the weather.

No, I don't think we have them in England. But I have heard of them. Do they eat timbers, too?

The "or" can be "nor" in line 2.

It could be.

The piece is too full of humor to pick out the Best.
I believe your rhyme scheme, letting line 3 go unrythmed, adds to the freedom the piece projects.
My scansion for the last stanza is pure trochaic tetrameter allowing you to use feminine rhymes and concludes the piece sprightly.
I'd call it "a keeper".

 Thanks so much - I'm 'reet chuffed' as James would say.

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Alan,

How was the festival?

Thank God it wasn't woodpeckers !

 I recall that one of the space shuttles was grounded for a while cos of woodpecker damage.

Well done on out-Pinking Mike !

I wasn't trying to be competative - merely noticing the importance of a lively title to attract attention.

I'm not sure I have any crit, but I'll go thru here and offer whatever I see.

Thanks; I appreciate the visit.

I’m not writing in Black Lace
that’s not my genre or my taste;
the Famous Five won't have an orgy:  Perhaps Hogwarts won't - more universal ?
fast-paced chases always chaste.

Excellent idea - I'll see if I can work it in.

Staccato tapping on my keyboard;
novel word-count the reward -
until I hear an echo
from behind the skirting board.

I’ve awakened some strange curse:
percussion playing on my nerves;
I’ve disturbed my deathwatch beetles -- disturbing d/w beetles ?
while composing lousy verse.

Yep, that'll work - thanks.

Direly decomposing joists
will occur: it's warm and moist ...
I called the pest control at once:
anxieties I voiced.

"Indeed Ma’am borers are real trouble -  -- Indeed comma ?  --- well spotted, ta
they’ll reduce your home to rubble;
they reproduce too rapidly. -- while reproducing rapidly ?  -- not quite sure on that for the rhythm
We’ll get there on the double." -- be there on the d ... - more usual anyway  --- You're right

While I wait I’ll lie here reading - While waiting I'll lie ... ?  --- nope; looses the rhythm (sorry)
randy insects interceding …
“Miss, I couldn’t do my homework
cuz my beetles started breeding.”

Fran, very well done ! This IS what poetry is all about - taking the tiniest incident and getting it across so well. Move over Pam.



I felt at the last meeting that Jox and I had severe competition, anyway ....

But that was nowt to do with poetry  

Thanks, Alan - you've spotted a few nifty nits I can deal with

Love
Fran

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Fran

I think you have out-titled me. I had a lot of fun reading this and I think you had more writing it.

I thought you had a pop-group thing developing, with the Beatles and Black Lace, when I read the first verse.

Entymologically yours

Mike