Hambleden To Mile End, Wizard Award ~ A poem Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

© Pel Farrant, 2005. I, Pel Farrant, do assert my right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance and other helpful comment, only.

Ref: PF 0379 AB


*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs


Hambleden To Mile End
by PF

Sunshine filters through
car window;
radio playing Mozart.

Hills’ shadow; green hues;
clouds gently rest on trees,
forming fuzzy contour on
Chilterns’ brow.

Passing bird swoops,
fly-catching.
Heathrow planes climb:
global-bound.

Few cars motor by:
cow parsley flaps -
as if scythe-cut -
though springs up,
denying death.

New plantation grows:
rows of farm crops.
Hedges trace directly
uphill to its ridge.

Mozart translates to Vaughn Williams:
Horn Concerto to Lark Ascending.
Timeless English upland:
ever-changing.

Hedge rows grow to meet Sumner targets.
Everywhere... each inch, all crevices,
life renewing.

Undramatic - save microscopically,
where evolutionary theatre -
a whole drama of rejuvenation -
is enacted under spectacular direction
of what?  - No one knows.

Binoculars scan hillcrests:
observing continuum;
an ever changing scene.
Two thousand years ago,
similar benign pastorality.
Tomorrow, who knows?

All is powered,
as everywhere,
by deadly competition;
Universally offered.
Though here, today,
in rural England,
this green, pleasant plot
is timeless tranquillity.


(end)



"|1118501398 -->

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

This is a lovely poem appreciating the miracle of nature and the delight at seeing the new growth in Spring/Summer.  You convey very well the sense of tranquility and timelessness and the threat to its continuity by destruction and urbanisation.
I had to google cow parsley as being an out and out Townie, I had no idea what it looked like.

Your title did throw me a bit because when I read it I thought you were talking about the Mile End in my neck of the woods, East London.  Mind you at one time Mile End was part of the countryside, before it got swallowed up as London spread further and further.

No obvious nits so I'll just enjoy your car journey.  Hope you had the car window open to imbibe the country scents.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,  

What a beautiful, tranquil scene you paint with your words. Late spring is a fabulous time of year - lots of white, delicate-looking flowers (may blossom, cow parsley, stitchweed, elder) in verdent hedgerows.

And I love the way you make the connection that this timeless, effortless apparent tranquility is based on life and death competition. When the robin sings his melody it's not to charm us (though it does) it's to tell other robins to butt-out because this hedge is his, for his babies' food supply. That delicate lacewing or moth is going to end up as lunch, and that bright lady bird is a voracious predator, ditto the sleek dragonfly.

Sorry, I'm getting carried away here    

Fran

[Guest__*]

Dear Jox,

I'm not surprised Nina was dissappointed - not MILE END, of royal fame, but some mere imposter in the Chilterns ? Humph.

Anyway, to the poem :

Hambleden To Mile End
by PF

Sunshine filters through
car window;
radio playing Mozart. -- if "filterS", then "playS"

Hills’ shadow; green hues;
clouds gently rest on trees,
forming fuzzy contour on -- form
Chilterns’ brow.

Passing bird swoops,
fly-catching.
Heathrow planes climb:
global-bound. -- surely globe-bound ?

Few cars motor by: -- I think you'll get YOUR meaning more precisely with "A few" ? -- You're not trying to say there were too few, but some ?
cow parsley flaps -
as if scythe-cut -
though springs up, -- I'd put in "it" for smoothness ?
denying death.

New plantation grows: -- surely wrong word - planting ?
rows of farm crops. -- "farm" resundant ?
Hedges trace directly
uphill to its ridge. -- the ridge ?

Mozart translates to Vaughn Williams:
Horn Concerto to Lark Ascending.
Timeless English upland:
ever-changing.

Hedge rows grow to meet Sumner targets. -- sumMer ? no cap ?
Everywhere... each inch, all crevices, -- every crev ?
life renewing. -- renewS ?

Undramatic - save microscopically,
where evolutionary theatre -
a whole drama of rejuvenation -
is enacted under spectacular direction -- enc comma ?
of what?  - No one knows.

Binoculars scan hillcrests: -- hill crests 2 words ?
observing continuum;
an ever changing scene.
Two thousand years ago, -- perhaps "thousands of .... " ?
similar benign pastorality.
Tomorrow, who knows?

All is powered,
as everywhere, -- skip this line ? Or make it "beneath the surface" - and here that would refer cleverly to the surface of the benignity !
by deadly competition;
Universally offered. -- no cap ?
Though here, today, -- del "Here"
in rural England,
this green, pleasant plot
is timeless tranquillity. -- "is" or "seems" ?

Jox, you wily deveil you, underneath the surface of this gentle pussycat of a poem is a killing machine, as he said, raw in tooth and claw, fighting to get out.
Very benign on the surface, ooooh, countryside, but binocularly (reversed) deadly !

Well done for the whole concept, but my offerings above might help you hone it ?


Love
Alan





grrrrrrrrooooooowl ! (underneath! )

[Cybele]

Hello James,

The thing that struck me first about this very unusual piece (for you) was the way the lines seem to fit with the fast passing countryside.Little flashes of pictures embedded on the mind and eye, as you drove along.

Wonderful. Very pastoral and peaceful.

And the music. I can hear it loud and clear, especially the Vaughn Williams
'Lark Ascendingl' one of my favourites.    I also like the subtle change in these verses..

Undramatic - save microscopically,
where evolutionary theatre -
a whole drama of rejuvenation -
is enacted under spectacular direction
of what?  - No one knows.

Binoculars scan hillcrests:
observing continuum;
an ever changing scene.
Two thousand years ago,
similar benign pastorality.
Tomorrow, who knows?


Which is exactly what I was expecting before the end James. Very well told and, apart from Alan's, puncs. No nits to offer. Loved the read.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

>>This is a lovely poem

Thank you!

>> appreciating the miracle of nature and the delight at seeing the new growth in Spring/Summer.  You convey very well the sense of tranquillity and timelessness and the threat to its continuity by destruction and urbanisation.

This part is safe from urbanisation now - but you're right : nowhere is really safe. This area is between Marlow (Buckinghamshire) and Henley-On-Thames (as in Regatta, Michael Hesseltine and Boris Johnson, Oxfordshire). It is the SE of the Chilterns.

(For those abroad, The Chilterns are a range of lowish-land hills to the NW of London.)

>>I had to Google cow parsley as being an out and out Townie, I had no idea what it looked like.

Thank you for your efforts. I always appreciate it when someone goes to that effort. I am, however, very sad you didn't know cow parsley. As I look out of my study window here, it is taking over the hedge rows (as it does every year).

>>Your title did throw me a bit because when I read it I thought you were talking about the Mile End in my neck of the woods, East London.

Sorry - I think I have heard of that, though. Hello! This Mile End is just a small village.

>>  Mind you at one time Mile End was part of the countryside, before it got swallowed up as London spread further and further.

Same everywhere, alas.

>>No obvious nits so I'll just enjoy your car journey.  Hope you had the car window open to imbibe the country scents.

Thanks. But I was not travelling at the time (Tuesday, this week). I stopped in a car park between the two villages to admire the view (Previously, we had been up in the very wooded hills, at which I was looking, walking - L&M love the woods, as do I).

The cars travelling were other cars on the road by the car park.

I took out my dictation tape recorder and dictated this poem (which I edited considerably last night about 0000-0200 hrs - though I did break-off for an MSN conversation with someone). I dictated whilst sitting in the car, then stepped out and wandered around the car park, binoculars in one hand and Dictaphone in the other. I had some very strange looks from people huddled for warmth in their cars. But I probably would have had anyway, without the equipment.

Thanks Nina!

J.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

Thanks for your comments, too.

>>What a beautiful, tranquil scene you paint with your words.

Thank you!

>> Late spring is a fabulous time of year - lots of white, delicate-looking flowers (may blossom, cow parsley, stitchweed, elder) in verdent hedgerows.

Well, the Elder is also in the form of many trees in our garden.

>>And I love the way you make the connection that this timeless, effortless apparent tranquility is based on life and death competition.

Anything to please a Biologist.

>> When the robin sings his melody it's not to charm us (though it does) it's to tell other robins to butt-out

To what? Go away?

>> because this hedge is his, for his babies' food supply. That delicate lacewing or moth is going to end up as lunch, and that bright lady bird is a voracious predator, ditto the sleek dragonfly.

You biologists and natural historians are all the same - Sex and Violence;  Sir David Attenborough* never stops... so to speak.

>>Sorry, I'm getting carried away here.

Don't worry, they will be very kind to you. Just go quietly with them.

Thanks Fran...

I shall out my bottom now, before I crack up. See you later, .

* Sir David is the UK's top tv naturalist - brother of Lord Dicky - the film star and producer.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Alan

Thanks for your most helpful crit.

I've been through it a couple of times and don't have all the decisions yet. So this is my reply hitherto. When I come to the re-write, I'll think again. Thanks!

>>I'm not surprised Nina was dissappointed - not MILE END, of royal fame, but some mere imposter in the Chilterns ? Humph.

Royal fame? Nina?

I'm not absolutly sure I've heard of Mile End, London but I think I might have. Mind you, never heard of this one before Tuesday.

Sunshine filters through
car window;
radio playing Mozart. -- if "filterS", then "playS"

I think you have a good point. I was trying to make the window passive and the radio active - as an orchestra. Will think on't.

Hills’ shadow; green hues;
clouds gently rest on trees,
forming fuzzy contour on -- form
Chilterns’ brow.

The clouds and the trees were doing the forming.. Not sure if either choice quite has this right?

Passing bird swoops,
fly-catching.
Heathrow planes climb:
global-bound. -- surely globe-bound ?

Don't think so because they are on the globe anyway (at least within the atmosphere. Trying to make the globalisation point here. Maybe globally bound? You're right, though, the original sounds a tad awkward

Few cars motor by: -- I think you'll get YOUR meaning more precisely with "A few" ? -- You're not trying to say there were too few, but some ?
cow parsley flaps -
as if scythe-cut -
though springs up, -- I'd put in "it" for smoothness ?
denying death.

I don't like "a few" - but you are perfectly correct, your correction says what I want to, whereas my original may not. More to think on't. If I can't better yours, I shall swap to it. Thanks.

"it" wouldn't work because we are talking about a myriad plants, not just one. I don't see the smoothness point, sorry. :(

New plantation grows: -- surely wrong word - planting ?
rows of farm crops. -- "farm" resundant ?
Hedges trace directly
uphill to its ridge. -- the ridge ?

Ah I have clearly failed here. I meant a tree plantation. You're right - crops would be plantings. However, there are also farm crops - so the first two lines refer to two different things. More to think on't.

Last line is poor - thanks. Again to think about.

Hedge rows grow to meet Sumner targets. -- sumMer ? no cap ?
Everywhere... each inch, all crevices, -- every crev ?
life renewing. -- renewS ?

I always thought seasons were capitalised? I may well be wrong.
I originally had "every crevice" - but it repeats the "every" at the start of the line. If I did that I'd need "every" inch too - to make a strong point. More to think about. Ta.
Last like - again to play with / think on't. Thanks.

Undramatic - save microscopically,
where evolutionary theatre -
a whole drama of rejuvenation -
is enacted under spectacular direction -- enc comma ?
of what?  - No one knows.

Not sure. I wanted the big pause to be after "what" - maybe a small pause prior to "of" would be good. More thinking!

Binoculars scan hillcrests: -- hill crests 2 words ?
observing continuum;
an ever changing scene.
Two thousand years ago, -- perhaps "thousands of .... " ?
similar benign pastorality.
Tomorrow, who knows?

My dictionary allowed "hilllcrest" - I don't really mind.
Ywo thousand was meant to be pseudo-specific. A long time ago Steggies roamed this land, driving everyone mad by bellowing out alternative words to every word in the English language. There were swamps and no reality tv. So not too many thousands of years ago - had to limit it.

All is powered,
as everywhere, -- skip this line ? Or make it "beneath the surface" - and here that would refer cleverly to the surface of the benignity !
by deadly competition;
Universally offered. -- no cap ?
Though here, today, -- del "Here"
in rural England,
this green, pleasant plot
is timeless tranquillity. -- "is" or "seems" ?

Good point about that line - may well omit. "Beneath," whilst right, might lead people to think I only meant underground.

Surely the Universe is a capital? Then again, the line is bad. Thanks may change that. You're right anyway - I did not mean the Universe. Sorry dunderhead (me).

Here is indeed, superfluous - save it was me going into Alan Wicker speak mode.

"Is" / "seems" - thanks point taken - will think on't.

Sorry, Alan, I have so few definitive answers (any?). But it takes me a while to go thorugh thorough crits. In previous times I have taken too long to reply so this time I have replied but maybe said too little. All you comments have been carefully noted and will be wroked on. They are all much appreciated.

>>Jox, you wily deveil you,

I've been promoted from "Old Goat"?! (Even with this nanny state?)

>> underneath the surface of this gentle pussycat of a poem is a killing machine, as he said, raw in tooth and claw, fighting to get out. Very benign on the surface, ooooh, countryside, but binocularly (reversed) [LOL!] deadly ! Well done for the whole concept, but my offerings above might help you hone it ?

Thank you very much indeed. Most appreciated,

Your offerings are great, thanks. Many weaknesses exposed. Much appreciated, Alan. I shall work on this next week probably and start with your suggestions. Cheers.

J.

[Guest__*]

Dear Jox,

No probs that you have not finalised on my offerings - all I was trying to do was give you some points to ponder, as the princecss said to the frog (ha ! whole new line of actreess/bishop type jokes has just been born ! )

Take all the time you need. The plantation, now that you mention it, is obviouse, but was not so in the poem. You could make it "plantation of young trees" or such.

Love
Alan

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Alan, Cheers.

(I thought just "tree (or sappling) plantations")

See you later.


J.

[Guest_Zeus˛_*]

James,
one can imagine an enviromentalist on a infrequent drive thru
the countryside, hoping deep in his heart the ever expanding and
encroaching suburbs will spare some of what's left.

Strong message.

Larry

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

Sorry to have kept you waiting...

>>The thing that struck me first about this very unusual piece (for you)

Why unusual for me, Grace?

>> was the way the lines seem to fit with the fast passing countryside.Little flashes of pictures embedded on the mind and eye, as you drove along.

Ah! Sorry to deceive; I was static, in a car park at the time. Actually, the lines were much longer originally. I pared.

>>Wonderful. Very pastoral and peaceful.

Thank you.

>>And the music. I can hear it loud and clear, especially the Vaughn Williams
'Lark Ascendingl' one of my favourites.

Ah! Oh dear. I have to confess to hating that piece. Having said that, I heard it played at a concert a few months ago and was impressed. It is certainly clever. The problem is it always reminds me of being in hospital and being sent unconscious on the operating table. That woozy feeling as one goes under precisely matches the music for me. So, in truth, I was only listening to Mozart on R3 - the VW piece simply came to mind. (But at least we agreed over Sound of Music!)

>> I also like the subtle change in these verses..

Thank you.

>>Which is exactly what I was expecting before the end James.

emm... you expected me to introduce something unpleasant to the scene? Or have I misunderstood. If I'm right - then I think you're probably right, too. :)

>>Very well told and, apart from Alan's, puncs. No nits to offer.

Thank you Grace - I am considering all of Alan's points.

>>Loved the read.

That's brill - thank you. That's what it is all about.

Thanks very much Grace, J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

I am, however, very sad you didn't know cow parsley
no need to be sad, once I looked at the picture on google, I knew what it was, just had no idea it was called cow parsley.  My education is sadly lacking.


>>Your title did throw me a bit because when I read it I thought you were talking about the Mile End in my neck of the woods, East London.

Sorry - I think I have heard of that, though. Hello! This Mile End is just a small village.
Mile End is a mile or so east of Whitechapel, which is where the Royal London Hospital is situated.  

I dictated whilst sitting in the car, then stepped out and wandered around the car park, binoculars in one hand and Dictaphone in the other. I had some very strange looks from people huddled for warmth in their cars. But I probably would have had anyway, without the equipment.
hehe conjures up a wonderful image - you and a dictaphone and binoculars.  Tops me scribbling in a notepad at the bus stop on the High Street.

Nina

[Ephiny]

Hi James  :wave:

Of course, I don't know the area you describe in this poem but I really feel as if I do now..thank you for such a beautiful journey (I'm at work and it took me right away from the paperwork I had sat down to do!)

Your describe the sense of being on a journey beautifully..the music on the car radio blending in with the scenes going by outside the window..one enhancing the other in a way..I was seeing this as a Sunday afternoon drive..not rushing, taking time to enjoy and reflect upon everything around you..

I really love

Two thousand years ago,
similar benign pastorality.
Tomorrow, who knows? very true..and it's also lovely to observe that some things haven't changed

and

Hedge rows grow to meet Summer targets.
Everywhere... each inch, all crevices,
life renewing.  beautifully done..the wonder of the turning of the seasons..the language is so rich and full of movement

Thank you..I really enjoyed this  :rainbow:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

The Chilterns is a lovely area.  The train I get up to my parents goes through there and the line is called The Chiltern Line and goes through wonderful countryside.  I have often thought that if I had time I would get off in High Wycombe to have a look around.   I do love all the small towns and villages along the Thames, they are so picturesque, green and lush.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

I shall return to a couple of points

>> When the robin sings his melody it's not to charm us (though it does) it's to tell other robins to butt-out

>>To what? Go away?

Yes, that's a good translation

>>Sorry, I'm getting carried away here.

Don't worry, they will be very kind to you. Just go quietly with them.



I shall out my bottom now, before I crack up. See you later, .

tch, tch!  

One suggestion:

Hills’ shadow; green hues;

As things become more distant they look bluer (effect of the atmosphere) so would blue-green hues work here, or even violet hues (could add green to next line)?

A faint (blueish) idea - toss over the horzon if no use.

Cheers,

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Larry,

Sorry for the delay, I'm way behind all things MM. (I will catch up with messagers after Larry's later - sorry to others, too!)

>>one can imagine an enviromentalist on a infrequent drive thru
the countryside, hoping deep in his heart the ever expanding and
encroaching suburbs will spare some of what's left.

I think / hope this area is free from immediate threat Larry - but who knows?

Thanks very much for your comments and thoughts.

Best wishes, J.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

>J>I am, however, very sad you didn't know cow parsley
>N>no need to be sad, once I looked at the picture on google, I knew what it was, just had no idea it was called cow parsley.  My education is sadly lacking.

Not at all; "cow parsley" is not the educated name - that is in Latin. It is simply the common name. Glad you know it.

>N>Your title did throw me a bit because when I read it I thought you were talking about the Mile End in my neck of the woods, East London.
>J>Sorry - I think I have heard of that, though. Hello! This Mile End is just a small village.
>N>Mile End is a mile or so east of Whitechapel, which is where the Royal London Hospital is situated.  

Thanks. Here's my ignorance: I have never heard of the Royal London. Sorry. However, Whitechapel means three things to me: a property on the UK Monopoly board, about the UK's last remaining bell foundary and the murders of Jack The Ripper ("The Whitechappel Murders"). Hope I've not dropped a clanger! (Don't tell the Soup Dragon, anyway).

>J>I dictated whilst sitting in the car, then stepped out and wandered around the car park, binoculars in one hand and Dictaphone in the other. I had some very strange looks from people huddled for warmth in their cars. But I probably would have had anyway, without the equipment.
>N>hehe conjures up a wonderful image - you and a dictaphone and binoculars.  Tops me scribbling in a notepad at the bus stop on the High Street.

Yes, just put a coulnder on your head with a wire coathanger attached and I can send messages to you. Then we can look equally daft.

TTFN, J.

[Guest__*]

Dear Jox,

coulnder = collander ?

Love
Alan

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Alan,

Thanks!

You now know why I spell-check almost everything - and how bad it looks when I don't.

My spelling is so full of holes - and I always seem to fill them with the wrong thing.

Good job I'm not in charge of a nuclear power station. (As they don't say).

Graphite carrots?

Cheers, J.