Shadows on the Edge Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Shadows on the Edge

Shadows move
quietly past,
pressing deep
into corners.

Dim forms drift
on  society’s edge:
insignificant,
ignored,
invisible.

Vacuous presence -
nameless existence -
watching,
waiting,
wishing.

I notice you –
do you see me?

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

We hear about Celebs and movers and shakers et al. We also her about poor groups. But we sledom hear about poor individuals. Still less do we hear of the dispossessed. In the UK we are luckier than many countries to have a more cohesive society with fewer drop-outs who have just been abandoned by society. However, they are still there in surprisingly large numbers.

Moreover, your poem addresses people activly involved in society but who, somehow, drift below the radar - become unhappy loners (there are happy loners, too) and simply are no longer persona non-grata.

My only suggestion is to swap the semi-colon after "existence" for another dash - so the word becomes a sub-clause.

Well done, Nina.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks James

I will change the semi-colon for a dash as suggested.

I haven't time to reply properly so rather than rush an answer I'll come back later and finish.

Back again, muttering somewhat but never mind....

Anyway back to the poem:

I was watching a programme at lunch-time about the history of Spitalfields (area in London around Petticoat Lane Market) and they were talking to a Bangladeshi woman who, describing what life was like when she and her family first came over here as an immigrant said "we were shadows walking in the streets".  

Those words were the original inspiration for the poem but as you mention in your crit it extends  further to include anyone who, as you say, falls below the radar and are persona non-grata or who feels invisible, ignored and insignificant in today's egocentric, materialistic society.

Thanks again

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks.

The only thing I think of when I hear about Spittlefields is the meat market - not people. Strange how one latches on to things.

Actually, in a perverse way, what that lady said may be good - better than the hostility of previous generations - shows acceptance if not warmth.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

The only thing I think of when I hear about Spittlefields is the meat market - not people. Strange how one latches on to things.
Actually the meat market is called Smithfields which is in a different area, not far from where I used to live as it happens.  Spitalfields does have a market but it sold wholesale fruit, veg and flowers.  Now I think it is more like Covent Garden market.

Actually, in a perverse way, what that lady said may be good - better than the hostility of previous generations - shows acceptance if not warmth.
true I guess, indifference and acting as if the person is invisible which is marginally better than outright hatred.

Thanks

Nina

[Guest__*]

Dear Nina,

"to include anyone who, as you say, falls below the radar and are persona non-grata or who feels invisible, ignored and insignificant in today's egocentric, materialistic society."

these are actually two different things. There ARE people who are persona non grata, but there are also those

[Guest__*]

Dear Nina,

"to include anyone who, as you say, falls below the radar and are persona non-grata or who feels invisible, ignored and insignificant in today's egocentric, materialistic society."

These are actually two different things. There ARE people who are persona non grata, but there are also those WHO FEEL they are, regardless of the actual facts in their social lives. Their problem lies entirely within.

I'm not intending to make this personal, but I was married to one such for 17 years, out of which the last 15 were hell. Finally shortly before she died she had the realisation that in her words "I always thought you were my worst enemy, but now I see you are my best friend".

Better late than never, I suppose.

This also explains the "famous" or "rich" who do themselves in - they have everything that we all think they, or we, want, but are still as miserable as hell.

The reactive side of the mind will impose its "certainties" over the rational or logical mind, if one lets it.

Inversely, it also explains those who "have nothing", but still make it anyway - say Condi Rice, or Ray Charles, they simply did not let the "reactive" side dictate to them. If people but knew it, it is a matter of sheer will.

THAT reactive side of the mind is the real enemy.

Love
Alan

[Guest__*]

Dear Nina,

Hey, I forgot to offer a crit.

Can't really, there is nothing to deal with, you make a very valid point very well !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Alan

These are actually two different things. There ARE people who are persona non grata, but there are also those WHO FEEL they are, regardless of the actual facts in their social lives. Their problem lies entirely within.

Absolutely, but where does that feeling come from.  Were they ignored and invisible at some point in their  lives, maybe in childhood that they feel this way in adulthood?

I'm not intending to make this personal, but I was married to one such for 17 years, out of which the last 15 were hell. Finally shortly before she died she had the realisation that in her words "I always thought you were my worst enemy, but now I see you are my best friend".

Better late than never, I suppose.
I'm very sorry that you had to live with this for 15 years, it must have been as you say "hell"

This also explains the "famous" or "rich" who do themselves in - they have everything that we all think they, or we, want, but are still as miserable as hell
true, the "rich and Famous" have this constant craving to be noticed and can't cope with being "invisible"

Hey, I forgot to offer a crit.

Can't really, there is nothing to deal with, you make a very valid point very well !
Thank you.  Your comment on the message is a crit anyway.

Thanks, much appreciated

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina.

You're right - I have always confused /assumed that Smithfields and Spittlefields are the same place. Thanks for the distinction. Please forgive me next time I confuse them - in my brain now.

I think Covent Garden sells operas and cappachinos now?

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

yes, Covent Garden is very trendy now.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina!

I see no one has made any suggestions so maybe nothing needs
changing but I have a couple to offer for whatever it's worth.  LOL
Take or toss as you see fit of course!

Shadows move
quietly past, I think you could omit "past"
pressing deep
into corners.

Dim forms drift
on  society’s edge: You could omit "on"
insignificant,
ignored,
invisible.

Vacuous presence -
nameless existence -
watching,
waiting,
wishing.

I notice you –
do you see me?

WITH CHANGES:

Shadows move
quietly,
pressing deep
into corners.

Dim forms drift
society’s edge:
insignificant,
ignored,
invisible.

Vacuous presence -
nameless existence -
watching,
waiting,
wishing.

I notice you –
do you see me?


Cathy

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

Careful observation and amazing power. Thanks for explaining what sparked this; such a small phrase takes on so much meaning here.

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

Thanks for popping in here and offering suggestions, they are much appreciated.  I think I will leave past in, because I want the idea  the shadows moving moving past people who may be standing still.

Your second suggestion needs a bit more thought.  It slightly changes the meaning from the dim forms drifting on the edge of society to them being the edge.  I will have to think which meaning I want.

Thanks

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Careful observation and amazing power. Thanks for explaining what sparked this; such a small phrase takes on so much meaning here.

Thank you very much indeed.  It is amazing how a phrase can feel so powerful and be so inspiring.  I had to dash out of the kitchen (where I was dishing out dinner) and scribble it down before I forgot.

Nina

[Cybele]

Hi Nina,

In haste, just to let you know that I was here. My computer is on the blink. The fan isn't working properly and I have been advised to shut it down for 24 hours, till I get a replacement.

I shall return....

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

Oh no! what a disaster.  I hope it is alright tomorrow, else you'll have to hot-foot it over to the library to book yourself onto a PC.  I couldn't cope without my computer.

Nina

[Guest_ferns_*]

Hi Nina..  New here (former member of PK)  and I love this site.  This poem is very powerful.  A couple of suggestions for you.

Shadows on the Edge

Shadows move
quietly past,     <--------  I would remove "past" (but then, I am a minimalist)
pressing deep
into corners.

Dim forms drift
on  society’s edge:
insignificant,
ignored,
invisible.

Vacuous presence -          
nameless existence -   ** See below
watching,
waiting,
wishing.

I notice you –
do you see me?


"we were (shadows walking in the streets)".   How about using part of this phrase, your inspiration for the poem, perhaps up there by the *? It reads of such truth..

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Ferns

First of all a very warm welcome to MM.  I hope you get as much enjoyment from this site as I do.  If you have any questions or need help on anything, please feel free to PM me (private message), there is a button at the end of each post which says *send msg*

thanks for reading and commenting on my poem, I'm pleased you found it so powerful.

Shadows move
quietly past,     <--------  I would remove "past" (but then, I am a minimalist)
pressing deep
into corners
someone else also suggested removing past, but the image I am trying to convey is of a person standing in the street and shadows drifting past him/her, un-noticed.

Vacuous presence -          
nameless existence -   ** See below
watching,
waiting,
wishing.

I notice you –
do you see me?

"we were (shadows walking in the streets)".   How about using part of this phrase, your inspiration for the poem, perhaps up there by the *? It reads of such truth..

An interesting suggestion that I quite like but for the fact I have already used shadows in the first verse, so can't really repeat it again.

Thanks once again for taking the time to read and I look forward to reading and commenting on your work when you post.



Nina

[Guest_ferns_*]

Hi Nina. thanks for the welcome.  I got so excited by your inspirational line, I missed the first line with shadows in it.  Yes, I see your point..how about another word for shadow?  (I'm normally stubborn, but harmless)  that line just sticks in my mind.  Hmmm  spectors or wraiths?  :)