Free Verse poem Options

[Guest_Tombo Rocks_*]

Cupid Attempts Suicide


The quiver quivering in his hands
The heart shaped arrow inches from his heart,
He muses, "How many times ... ?"

Shot from far away with unerring aim,
Stayed in the background during foreplay,
Saw the effect of his arrow turn into something more,
Saw the effect of his heart shaped arrow break someone's
Heart.

"How many times?
And all without love of my own?
How long has this gone on?
Year after year? Decade after decade? Century after Century?
HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN ALIVE?!?"

He licks his lip -
a smile of anticipation,
a tear of uncertainty,
Cupid lets fly.

" ... I'm in love ...!"


Love shouldn't be selfish.
Love should be Eternal.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Tom,

Happy New Year!

Great first line.

Do I take it this is self-impaling the Cupid way?

Fascinating idea and well-told. A case of "Physician, heal thineself." taken to the extreme.

Mind you, Punner than I am, I cannot resist highlighting "Cupid lets fly" (groan).

Well done, this is amusing and interesting.

Thank you.

James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Tom,

What a fantastic idea - Cupid is the only being never to experience his own darts.  

One suggestion: is he in fact 'alive', being eternal? Would

HOW LONG HAVE I EXISTED?!? work?

Now, do we ever get to find out what happens to the world once he is himself love-struck? Who does he fall for?  

How can you leave us not knowing more!!!!

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Tom

this poem has an interesting concept and I enjoyed reading it, though you may have to change the line cupid lets fly as, after reading James' comment I can't read it without laughing.

I'm not too sure about your last two lines

Love shouldn't be selfish.
Love should be Eternal.

I understand why you put them in but somehow they don't seem to fit in with the style and flow of the rest of the poem.

Nina

[Guest_Tombo Rocks_*]

Thank you all for your comments and critiques.

This was actually written quite a while ago when I was in a pretty good creative place.

The concept was derived from having an everyday job and eventually coming to a point in it when the realization is made there are no personal rewards. It may have had something to do with a job I had at the time, I don't remember.

Nina, I know what you're saying. I just don't know how to "make my statement" in a more flowing way.

Fran, well, you're just going to have to figure that out for yourself!  :laugh:  
I do know what you're saying about Cupid being eternal and all. I thought it was an interesting concept, since all of us have been struck by his arrows so often, what if love shot himself? What would happen? I have not come up with the aftermath idea as of yet. Perhaps I never will.

James, any suggestions for the line "Cupid lets fly"? Again, I am stuck with finding an alternative.

Thanks again. I appreciate any and all critiques, especially since I still feel like a freshman just entering high school for the first time every time I submit something.  :blush21:

Tom

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Tom...

My suggestions for the final part...
----------------------------------------------------------------
Cupid licks his lip;
anticipatory smile;
tear of uncertainty.

His own arrow flies:
I'm in love!

Unselfish and eternal -
Love for all.

===================================================
As always, only a suggestion - your choices.

Best wishes, James.

[Cybele]

Hello Tom,

Oh, I love the premise of Cupid becoming his own target and getting a taste of his own medicine (good OR bad)



He licks his lip -
a smile of anticipation,
a tear of uncertainty,
Cupid lets fly.


Could I suggest an amendment here? Perhaps a little guessing game at the end?


He licks his lips -
a smile of anticipation,
a tear of uncertainty;

a self-inflicted wound.

" ... I'm in love! ..."  


"Unselfish, eternal love?
..or just a passing fancy?"


Just a thought Tom.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

What a unique concept!  Why shouldn't Cupid find a love of his own?  But we don't get to know what happens now?  

I like Cybele's suggestion for the last lines.  Enjoyable reading!

Cathy~

[Charon]

Alas poor Eros, I knew him well.

Ah but was the little cherub looking in a mirror?  Could he be so vain?

Eros, thy darts sting beyond measure, be gone, leave me be.

Excellent, love the theme, the idea, the concept.

Teach that little minx right, I say.  He has always been a thorn in my side.

See ya on the other side.

Charon