Salesman, AABBA rhyme, Thanks Leo for the idea. Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Salesman

Stories of the road are mine, where indolent voices roar,
rusty cars up on cinder blocks and simple country stores.
I looked out my windowpane
where checkered curtains reigned,
a suicide motel, with a lily on the door.

Across the street, my tired feet took me to a greasy restaurant.
Bored waitress said with a smirk, Ya, watcha want?
as a half-dead fly kept tune with florescent lights.
I took a cup of Joe to go, didn't need the fight,
then out into where voices keeps their haunts.

On my back counting holes in the ceiling tile
two a.m. must have drifted off for a while.
Howl of the cars and the light of the stars
come in through the horizontal bars
all the same rooms, mile after lonely mile.

Nov 12, 2009
© Steve Pray

This has the same beginning stanza as Traveling Salesman at the Cusp done in free verse, I just took it in a different direction with a nudge from Leo (Sekhmet). I don't know if this is better or not, or even if this is what she might have imagined. But thanks for the idea, Leo.

[Guest_TheBryBenno_*]

Very cool! I liked the use of the waitress's language "whatcha want?" Nicely done, and also "lonely exile" was interesting. I suppose that's what it is like for a traveling salesman. Then again, maybe we're really all like that.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Bry, thanks for reading and the comment, I changed the last line and a couple other words I saw after a quick reread, not enough to call this a revision.

Steve

[Mary Boren]

Hi Steve,

Long-lined limerick pattern, huh?

Is Traveling Salesman at the Cusp one of your own? I couldn't find it for comparison.

I like the premise. Great use of imagery, which wholly succeeds in evoking an aura of ennui and loneliness. If this was posted as free verse, I would have no criticism whatsoever ... but then I wouldn't be reading it in this forum. It doesn't even seem to make a stab at metrical consistency -- do you want it to?

If so, I'll come back to it if you want me to.

Mary

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Mary,
Thanks for reading and the comments. I am glad you got the intention of this. Salesman at the Cusp is mine and is in the free verse forum, and I wrote it with free verse in mind, but it is very close to Limerick rhyme pattern also. I didn't do it intentionally. I have this posted one other place and have been told twice there that they would prefer it in free verse. I wrote this intentionally in limerick pattern, trying to recall the inspiration. Yes, please if you would I am beginning to think this might do better in metered lines, if i see it that way and don't like it, I may come back and just change this so it becomes free verse. LOL.

Smiling my thanks

Steve

[Sekhmet]

 night_hawks.jpg ( 26.69K ) Number of downloads: 3



Yeeeeh! That was exactly the sort of thing I had in mind. That first verse was begging to be liberated into a poetic version of Heartbreak Hotel. Just like my favourite Edward Hopper painting, 'Night Hawks'.
It is so well know, but has always fascinated me - conjuring up isolation, stale cigarette smoke and grubby bed linen.
Very atmospheric,
Love, Leo

Attached File(s)

 night_hawks.jpg ( 26.69K ) Number of downloads: 1

 

[Thoth]

Dear Steve,
I had a crit all done when the op came in the way. When I got back you had come so far it seemed pointless. Sorry for that.

I liked this rhymed version more as the other one didn't seem to settle nicely. Very concise and specific images which create a mood which says; "There are people all around me, yet I remain alone"

Something I have experienced all my life. Perhaps it is the poet's search for depth that keeps him aloof the madding crowd. We are not part of the masses - like it or not.

Good writing

Wally

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Leo, thanks, I am glad you like the change up and thanks for helping me see that possibility. I have seen that picture before, not quite the greasy spoon restaurant I had in mind, but it is a good picture. You would have to picture America as it was in 1956/57 when my dad and I went traveling all over the east coast down as far as Georgia and west to Virginia and Penn. to up state New York, going from civil war battle field to civil war memorials, I remember seeing and asking about the signs that said white only and colored only and my dad explaining and my telling him that was silly and his agreeing. I remember many a nasty food stop with gum chewing waitresses and all the single men sitting at the counter with big briefcases beside them. Seemed like they all wore the same suit, had the same fedora hat and drove the same type of car... I thought how boring that was. I kind of thought the whole trip boring except I was with my dad, he wasn't drinking, he was being nice, and I actually remember a lot of the things he talked about and showed me at the battlefields, Gettysburg was one that really stood out for me. We had just learned Lincoln's address in school, and here was the place where he gave it, sort of a great epiphany for me. So there is a lot of my own memory here, including the motel with flowers painted on the doors.

Steve

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Wally, this is not the same as the one on free verse, both start the same way, Traveling Salesman at the Cusp is supposed to be very unsettleing, I do hope you go back and reread it. I am glad you like this version also. Yes I always used to wonder if I was the only one that was real and all these others just actors in a play about my life...lol. Is Life just one big episode of the 'Twilight Zone' LOL. Thanks for reading my friend.

Steve

[Maggie]

Hi Steve,

I agree with Wally's comment on this doing a good job with mood!! Off the bat I pick up loneliness and futility. I also like this better in rhyme than free verse, for the rhyme seems to enhance a sense of dull monotony and repetition in the salesman's life.

You seem to have a typo below. I believe "s" should be dropped from "keeps."

"then out into where voices keeps their haunts."

I like the limerick rhyme scheme!

I agree that this needs meter editing but am unable to help with that.

Peggy

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Peggy, thanks for reading and your comments. Yes that was a typo darn it I missed it...lol. As for the meter I guess I had better go look at this again and see if I can figure it out and make it better. Thanks again.

Steve