My Lennon, Experimental Form - Unnamed? Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

This is a first draft of a piece I am thinking of submitting to the Lennon Memorial competition. It is also experimental, a sort of metric ethere where each stanza is composed of 6 lines thus; pentameter, tetrameter, trimeter, trimeter, tetrameter, pentameter (5ft, 4ft, 3ft, 3ft, 4ft, 5ft) and rhymed aabccb. This is written in iambic rhythm but I don't see that as prescriptive/exclusive.

My Lennon

The early days with Mimi set the scene
for come and see me; in between,
your Julia was heard
in every joke you told;
you taught your teachers how to scold
but never would retract a single word.

You Quarried Ain’t She Sweet in Hamburg bars,
then cut the record; not quite stars,
you came back home to play.
The Cavern dancing hall
watched rockers, mods and beatniks fall
beneath your spell; The Beatles held full sway.

The Charts reflected glory, every week
they told your stories of the meek
who yearned for greatness and
the lonely’s search for more;
and then you conquered foreign shores -
The Beatles music, loved in every land.

The Krisha years were crazy; lots of fun,
they made you lazy, everyone
but George was taken in.
No Baby anymore
he let his inspiration soar;
a better man than you then, Gunga Din.

That’s when the break-up started, by your leave;
too many parties, I believe,
and far too much to drink.
Those drugs to free your mind
brought foolish thoughts though –too unkind?
but you explored your feelings to the brink!

The arguments that followed were a bore,
an Apple rotten at the core
and splintered at the root.
Paul won but we lost out,
though Yesterday may Twist and Shout
that partnership was over, dead, kaput.

But Yoko stroked your ego, kept you strong
and helped you find a truer song,
one both of you could sing.
You told all men to love
each other, promised that’s enough
to get along; but one won’t hear a thing.

He shot you on the sidewalk late at night,
took umbrage at imagined slight
and stole your voice away -
a silence I feel still
and I suppose I always will
until I hear the Heavenly choir some day.

I’m sure you’ll go on writing, Heaven’s halls
need angel music after all.
Now you can act as Muse;
pluck chords from your guitar,
compose new songs to charm the stars
and rock the constellations as you choose.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Jim, interesting iteration, If you offer this in a competition to Mr. Lennon then you are much better than I, I thought it quite well just some of the flow seemed stilted but maybe thats because I know so much more behind the stories. And find that poetry about the man and the group seems to leave so much to be unsaid. I remember in 64 when they first came to the states, I was not going to like this new band as the displace my favorite at the time "Pretty Woman" but I came like others to find that I could like them and still like my other artists too. I tell ya when I get there, I can't wait to get front row seats for the first two months I am there, just to hear all those silenced voices rock me.

Take care
Steve

[merle]

Hi Jim -

I liked this as a historical account of Lennon's rise and eventual demise. I can appreciate the technical aspect of the poem, however, it didn't evoke much of a emotional response from me. Of course, we didn't know the man personally so that might be quite difficult to pull off.

4th S, L6 'a better man than you then, Gunga Din.' is a tongue-twister! Perhaps leave out 'then' or 'then a better man than you, Gunga Din."?

Robin

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Jim, interesting iteration, If you offer this in a competition to Mr. Lennon then you are much better than I, I thought it quite well just some of the flow seemed stilted but maybe thats because I know so much more behind the stories. And find that poetry about the man and the group seems to leave so much to be unsaid. I remember in 64 when they first came to the states, I was not going to like this new band as the displace my favorite at the time "Pretty Woman" but I came like others to find that I could like them and still like my other artists too. I tell ya when I get there, I can't wait to get front row seats for the first two months I am there, just to hear all those silenced voices rock me.

Take care
Steve

Hi,Steve,

as far as content goes, I will be posting a version of this in Herme's later and would appreciate it if you could take a look at it there and identify the parts where it seems stilted. My main reason for posting here was to show the form. I have experimented with line length before and I have experimented with rhyme scheme before but this is my first conscious attempt to combine the two. The intention was to mimic lyric format - while reading Larry's Last Lyrics, though I thought that was excellent, I felt that a lyric would be more appropriate to commemorate Lennon. Being musically illiterate, I tried to fuse the two, poetry and lyric, as best I could in this. I thought it offered a bridge that more people could use - the test is in how many, if any, others do so.
Jim

Hi, Merle,

I liked this as a historical account of Lennon's rise and eventual demise. I can appreciate the technical aspect of the poem, however, it didn't evoke much of a emotional response from me. Of course, we didn't know the man personally so that might be quite difficult to pull off.

4th S, L6 'a better man than you then, Gunga Din.' is a tongue-twister! Perhaps leave out 'then' or 'then a better man than you, Gunga Din."?

As I said to Steve, I will post this later for critique and, with your permission, will copy and paste your thoughts there.
Jim