Outside Help, written after Annabell Lee.....need help to make it smooth Options

[ArtesiaMeeks]

REVISED FROM CATHY'S SUGGESTIONS----08-18-06
Wow......I wish my first draft could be as nice as yours. Thanks for the suggestions and making my poem so much better......Cathy.....I really appreciate it.



Stars shine brightly when the moon sits low
across barren desert land,
where wolves run in packs like jumping jacks
now known as New Mexico’s Lobo.
Their mascot turned their future around
to bring the Lobos to victory.

The wolf is ageless, the Lobos young,
in this land of desert sand.
Together they work, as a team they perk,
the University New Mexico Lobos;
in arenas where shouts are led by the band,
playing hard for a victory.

When the wolf was chosen mascot long ago
at the school in desert sand;
cheers rang out, eager fans would shout
for the University known as Lobos,
where spectators sat in the stands
and urged them on to victory.

Stadium lights on playing nights
illuminate the desert land.
Opponents vie from Mountain West
with the school of New Mexico's Lobos;
they beat the best known as guests
celebrating the team in victory.

ORIGINAL

The stars shine bright when the moon is low
across the deserts’ land
where a wolf ran in packs like jumping jacks
now known as New Mexico’s Lobo
and mascot whose future began
to help bring the Lobos to victory.

The wolf is young and the Lobos are young
in this land of the desert sand,
but together they work, together they perk,
these University New Mexico Lobos
in the arena where shouts are led by the band,
and they play hard for a victory.

And when the wolf was chosen mascot long ago
at the school in the desert sand,
cheers rang out and fans would shout
at the University known as the Lobos
where spectators sit in the stands
and cheered them onto victory.

The stadium lights on playing nights
at the field in the desert land,
opponents vie from the Mountain West
with the school of the New Mexico Lobos
and they beat the best known as guests
enjoy the team in victory.

© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Carol,

This is very interesting... is it a specific form? I've noticed some points that made me wonder.

Such as... The repeat of 'desert sand' or '... land' in some form in line 2 of each stanza.
'New Mexico Lobos' in line 4 of each stanza.
'Victory' in the last line of each.

It would help to know the form (if there is one) so I don't offer something that would mess it up. lol I'm assuming this is a team of some kind of sport. Sounds interesting! I will await your enlightenment before offering a critique though. *smiles*

Cathy

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Cathy,

It is just MY form.............I just wanted the Lobo repeat.....and New Mexico land. This is really for my son.......He is an AVID New Mexico Lobo fan......this is about their football team..........they were losers for so many years....but they've played good enough to make a couple BOWL GAME appearances which makes him very happy.

It just does not red smooth, and before I send it to him, I'd like a better write.

thank...........am

[JustDaniel]

Since it had been several decades since I'd even thought of Poe's Annabel Lee, I thought it might be helpful to offer this link to it... to get a flavor of what you're evidently emulating in this narrative poem, am. I hope that's ok ? I'd have had no clue unless I'd looked it up myself. I hardly even rang a bell till I read it.

And here's a link to the New Mexico Lobos too... since I knew nothing about them either. I'm assuming that you're alluding to their football team (?) since that's the season that's upon us?

The stars shine bright when the moon is low
across the deserts’ land
[ Do you not use '...sand' because that's what would be expected, am? ]
where a the wolves ran in packs like jumping jacks
now known as New Mexico’s Lobos
and mascot whose future began
to help bring the Lobos to victory.

The wolf is young and ageless; the Lobos are young
in this land of the desert sand,
but together they work, together they perk,
these University U of New Mexico Lobos
in the arena where shouts are led by the band,
and they play hard for a victory.....

I just want to see if we're pointing in the same direction at this point, am, before I go on further. I'm still digesting Poe's piece, which doesn't follow a specific pattern, but does variously repeat lines and parts of lines intermittently. I've never studied it (or any other classic poem for that matter!) ... so I'm not aware of a particular pattern, but you seem to be capturing something of the flavor of it in this.

I'll be back, but I would like to hear from you and see others' take too before I dig myself into a hole and have the desert winds bury me alive!

deLighting in the journey in the sun B) , Daniel

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Hi Daniel,

Yes, I did use "Annabell Lee" as a guide to write this one. I have loved that poem since my younger years....I have danced to it, sung to it, etc......just wanted to have something of my rang to it as well. AND....the Lobos' are my son's favorite FOOTBALL TEAM. We go watch them play, and in years past.....they were not too successful.....but the last several years have been better.

I do like your suggestions so far......will wait until you finish before I change anything.

AM

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Carol,

Thanks for explaining it's your 'form'! I think it's pretty cool!

I wasn't sure if you were keeping a rhythm or not but I've made some suggestions to help smooth out the flow. Use or lose as you wish! *smiles*

The Stars shine bright[ly] when the moon is[sits] low
across th[is]e deserts’ land[,] Or 'barren desert land'
where a wol[ves]f ran[run] in packs like jumping jacks
now known as New Mexico’s Lobo[.]
and mascot whose future began 'Their mascot turned their future around'?
to help bring the Lobos to victory.

The wolf is young[ageless,] and the Lobos are young[,]
in this land of the desert sand{,}[.]
but Together they work, together[as a team] they perk,
these University New Mexico Lobos[;]
in the arenas where shouts are led by the band, I imagine they play in more than one arena.
and they play[ing] hard for a victory.

And When the wolf was chosen mascot long ago
at the school in the desert sand{,}[;]
cheers rang out[,] and[eager] fans would shout
at[for] the University known as the Lobos[,]
where spectators sit[sat] in the stands
and cheered[urged] them onto victory. Separate 'onto'... on to. I also wasn't sure if you wanted to repeat 'cheer' so I offered an alternative.

The Stadium lights on playing nights
at[light] the field i[o]n the desert lands{,}[.] Or 'illuminate the desert land'.
Opponents vie from the Mountain West
with the school of the New Mexico['s] Lobos[;]
and they beat the best known as guests
enjoy[celebrating] the team in victory.

Stars shine brightly when the moon sits low
across barren desert land,
where wolves run in packs like jumping jacks
now known as New Mexico’s Lobo.
Their mascot turned their future around
to bring the Lobos to victory.

The wolf is ageless, the Lobos young,
in this land of desert sand.
Together they work, as a team they perk,
the University New Mexico Lobos;
in arenas where shouts are led by the band,
playing hard for a victory.

When the wolf was chosen mascot long ago
at the school in desert sand;
cheers rang out, eager fans would shout
for the University known as Lobos,
where spectators sat in the stands
and urged them on to victory.

Stadium lights on playing nights
illuminate the desert land.
Opponents vie from Mountain West
with the school of New Mexico's Lobos;
they beat the best known as guests
celebrating the team in victory.