Quiet, another Haiku Options

[ace]

Been critiquing the haikus and sewnuru's of others...so felt I should give everyone a shot at one of mine:

Quiet

The morning despairs...
silence across the table...
a still death of love.


ace

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Hi Ace,

You've captured a moment, and it's fairly well-executed. I've got a few nits though. The first one is easy to fix: haiku are untitled poems.

You've got the Japanese syllable-count right, but 5-7-5 is not necessarily desirable when written in the English language. As in Japanese, they should be written with an economy of words; for example, I'd remove the article "the" in L1 and simply have "morning despairs", even though it only has four syllables.

Also, I believe haiku should be written with concrete visuals and actions: "despair", "death" and "love" are rather abstract, and I think they tell a lot more than they show. A well-executed juxtaposition of two images should be enough for the reader to get your message.

Here are two quick reworks, not necessarily stellar, just to give you an idea. (I've removed "morning" as I think the cereal box makes the time of day clear enough.)

silence -
a Corn Flakes box
splits the table


bread and jam
shadowed by
the morning papers


I hope this help.

Mark

Been critiquing the haikus and sewnuru's of others...so felt I should give everyone a shot at one of mine:

Quiet

The morning despairs;
silence across the table;
a still death of love.


ace