Touching Lives, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

I wrote this partly as a result of the recent discussions on inner and outer beauty (and also James' poem True Gold Tarnishes) and partly to send to a friend to thank her for something she sent me today.




*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

Touching Lives  (Revised - thanks James and Alan)

As I move along life’s avenue
many people pass my way.
Most drift by leaving no impression;
intent on their own destinations.
A few stop briefly to say hello,
then continue on their journey.

Some walk through me:
to them I am insignificant.
Else they jostle me aside
in a hurry to reach their summit.
Several gladly use my help then
scurry away, offering no thanks.

Sometimes, like sunlight
breaking through clouds:
someone reaches out,
touching me with kindness;
yet asking nothing in return.

A person whose inner beauty shines;
radiating warmth and goodness:
vivid contrast to bland shadows
rushing heedlessly past.

A true friend.



--------------------------------
(Original)

As I move along the avenue of life
many people pass my way.
Most drift by leaving no impression,
intent on their own destination.
A few may stop briefly to say hello,
then continue their journey.

Some simply walk through me,
for I am insignificant,
or jostle me aside,
in a hurry to reach the summit.
Several gladly use my help
and scurry away, offering no thanks.

Then, like the sun
breaking through clouds;
a hand reaches out,
touching me with kindness:
asking nothing in return.

A person whose inner beauty shines;
radiating warmth and goodness:
vivid contrast to bland shadows
rushing heedlessly past.

A true friend.

Nina



"|1114976629 -->

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

You and I will have a double act at this rate. Laurel & Hardy? (Because Ollie was a big, jolly chap) the alternative is Morecamb & Wise but I'd have to keep mentioning my short, fat, hairy legs!

Anyway, to business: I've suggested a few things - you know the rest, if any is of use that's great etc.

I'd like to see you revision (if any) because this is rather foggy again now.

One thing to take care of is mixed metaphors - you seem to have veered into them here.

(Drifting down an avenue is one - t'other is the speaking hand).

'Tis good.

All the best, J.

Suggestions V1:

As I move along {the avenue of life} [life’s avenue]
many people pass {my way} [me by].
Most {drift by} leaving no impression{,}[;] (don’t usually drift along an avenue)
intent on their own destination.
A few {may} stop briefly to say hello,
then continue their journey.

Summary V1:

As I move along life’s avenue
many people pass me by.
Most leave no impression;
intent on their own destination.
A few stop briefly to say hello,
then continue their journey.

=================================

Suggestions V2:

Some {simply} walk through me{,}[:]
[to them] {for} I am insignificant{,}[.]
[Else they] {or} jostle me aside,
in a hurry to reach the[ir] summit.
Several gladly use my help (line change)
{and}[then] scurry away, offering no thanks.

Summary V2:

Some walk through me:
to them I am insignificant.
Else they jostle me aside,
in a hurry to reach their summit.
Several gladly use my help then
scurry away, offering no thanks.

=================================

Suggestions V3:

{Then}[Sometimes], {like}[as] the {s}[S]un
breaking through clouds{;}[:]
a hand reaches out, (the hand metaphor is fine - but they don’t speak so couldn’t ask for anything, anyway)
touching me with kindness{:}[;]
[yet] asking nothing in return.

Summary V3:

Sometimes, as the Sun
breaking through clouds:
someone reaches out,
touching me with kindness;
yet asking nothing in return.

=================================

Suggestions V4:

A person whose inner beauty shines;
radiating warmth and goodness:
vivid contrast to bland shadows
rushing heedlessly past.

A true friend.

(No alterations here, save people rushed both through and past originally - here you only mention past)

Summary V1:

A person whose inner beauty shines;
radiating warmth and goodness:
vivid contrast to bland shadows
rushing heedlessly past.

A true friend.

=================================

[Guest__*]

Dear Nina,

Cross-fer'ilizashun, huh !

Good sentiment, perhaps can be slightly tighter, offering below, too what you don't want ! Where I have ADDED the odd word seemed to need badums sorting, you may well disagree.

Titls ? How about these words (almost) from near the end :  

CONTRAST AND BLAND SHADOWS

Love
Alan

As I move along the avenue of life -- Moving along ... ?
many people pass my way.
Most drift by leaving no impression,
intent on their own destination.  -- dest plural ? and end semi-c
A few may stop briefly to say hello, -- some
then continue their journey. -- and continue on.   ?

Some simply walk through me,
for I am insignificant, -- to them I am ... ?
or jostle me aside, -- no comma
in a hurry to reach the summit.
Several gladly use my help
and scurry away, offering no thanks. -- but scurry ?

Then, like the sun      -- del the
breaking through clouds; -- comma
a hand reaches out,
touching me with kindness: -- and touches me ... ? comma
asking nothing in return.

A person whose inner beauty shines; with a shining inner beauty ?
radiating warmth and goodness: -- who radiates ... ?
vivid contrast to bland shadows -- a vivid contr to the bland ... ?
rushing heedlessly past. -- who rushed heedlessly past ?

A true friend.

[Guest__*]

Dear Nina,

I did my crit w/out reading Jox's one, interesting to see where we coincide !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina, Alan,

Yes, it is interesting; our different takes are quite similar in a number of ways, despite my having no idea about the rhythm. A fascinating comparison.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

You and I will have a double act at this rate. Laurel & Hardy? (Because Ollie was a big, jolly chap) the alternative is Morecamb & Wise but I'd have to keep mentioning my short, fat, hairy legs!
I'd go for Morecambe and Wise as Stan was rather a hopeless case and was always getting told off by Ollie "That's another fine mess you got me into".You'll have to put up with the short fat hairy legs joke.  Alternatively we could be the two Ronnies.

Anyway as you said back to business.  Thanks for your extensive crit.

As I move along {the avenue of life} [life’s avenue]
many people pass {my way} [me by].
Most {drift by} leaving no impression{,}[;] (don’t usually drift along an avenue)
intent on their own destination.
A few {may} stop briefly to say hello,
then continue their journey.

Life's Avenue - yes no problem

me by - slightly different meaning to my way.  I meant it as people who have come into my life at some point, perhaps only fleetingly.

I had in mind drifting as in drifting through life.

no problem losing may.

Some {simply} walk through me{,}[:]
[to them] {for} I am insignificant{,}[.]
[Else they] {or} jostle me aside,
in a hurry to reach the[ir] summit.
Several gladly use my help (line change)
{and}[then] scurry away, offering no thanks.

no probs with those changes

{Then}[Sometimes], {like}[as] the {s}[S]un
breaking through clouds{;}[:]
a hand reaches out, (the hand metaphor is fine - but they don’t speak so couldn’t ask for anything, anyway)
touching me with kindness{:}[;]
[yet] asking nothing in return.

OK, I never noticed that one, I'll change it.

(No alterations here, save people rushed both through and past originally - here you only mention past)
true but I'll leave it as it is.

Thanks again.  I'll do the alterations soon so that it isn't so foggy

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Thanks for your comments, Nina.

Good luck with the revision.

As to which duo???

And it's good night from me...
And it's good night from her.
Good night.

(Hey, when The Two Ronnies are in drag (quite often) are they "The  Ronettes?")

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

ROFL  

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Alan

thanks very much for your suggestions, I very much appreciate you making them.  

I'm still not sure about the title but I will think on it.

As I move along the avenue of life -- Moving along ... ?
many people pass my way.
Most drift by leaving no impression,
intent on their own destination.  -- dest plural ? and end semi-c
A few may stop briefly to say hello, -- some
then continue their journey. -- and continue on.   ?

I prefer As I move
yes, destination should be plural.
I wasn't sure whether on not to use continue on or not.
I use some at the beginning of the next verse, so want to avoid it here.

Some simply walk through me,
for I am insignificant, -- to them I am ... ?
or jostle me aside, -- no comma
in a hurry to reach the summit.
Several gladly use my help
and scurry away, offering no thanks. -- but scurry ?

James offers similar alternatives to this verse and yes, I agree about the comma

Then, like the sun      -- del the
breaking through clouds; -- comma
a hand reaches out,
touching me with kindness: -- and touches me ... ? comma
asking nothing in return.

I'll probably use James' suggestions here and change the hand talking, which he pointed out.

A person whose inner beauty shines; with a shining inner beauty ?
radiating warmth and goodness: -- who radiates ... ?
vivid contrast to bland shadows -- a vivid contr to the bland ... ?
rushing heedlessly past. -- who rushed heedlessly past ?
I think I prefer to stay with my original

Thanks once again


Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

revisions made

Thanks James and Alan

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Nina...

I really like this piece, and I see that you've already done a great deal of work with it, so I am reluctant to offer much more than two questions at this point:

1. What is the meaning of your use of "else"... since I suspect there is likely a vernacular difference?

2. Are you settled on your punctuation?  I ask that question, since your use (evidently by following suggestions) of the semi-colon is completely foreign to me.  I have seen a few suggestions on this site re using it as an indicator of a longer pause than a comma, but that seems to me to be foreign to its natural use in other literature.  I have not studied poetry formally, and I am not well-read at all...

but I personally find the semi-colons here as distracting to the flow of your poem.

Again, I'm asking a question, period.  All else is to explain the reason for the question.  Okay?

Blessings to you.

Seeking further Light, Daniel  :sun:

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Daniel,

Nina will answer for herself, no doubt. However, as the one who has clearly made some of the suggestions, perhaps I might answer, too (for myself, of course).

"else" means "otherwise" in the context here (and generally)

So... "Don't do that or else I'll hit you."
equals "Don't do that, otherwise I'll hit you."

In my suggestion I meant:

Some walk through me, otherwise they push me aside.

As regards punctuation, I use semi-colons a lot in poetry; rather less in prose.

In poetry, I find they are very useful in creating a longer pause than a comma, yet not closing the thought as a full-stop does. I'm not very keen on using dots ... because I find that they send my mind floating for loner than a full stop.

In prose, I tend to use them more where the part afterwards explains, to some degree, the part before. As in my sentence, above:

"As regards punctuation, I use semi-colons a lot in poetry; rather less in prose."

(linking two semi-independent clauses, if you like - both poetry and prose).

Back to semi-colons and this poem:

I see that you find the semi-colon breaks the flow of the poem. Well, I think we're in agreement, then - that was my intention in the suggestions. It's why I use semi-colons.

Of course, you're right to argue that the break in flow is wrong (if that's what you feel) but at least I'm pleased that my suggestions of semi-colons do have the very effect I intended.

Cheers, Daniel and Nina.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Daniel

Thanks for coming and reading the poem.  I'm glad you liked it.  James has already kindly answered your two questions (thanks James).  I too am very new to poetry punctuation but I do like idea of  using the semi-colon and colon to indicate longer pauses and it is very different to how I would use it in prose.

Nina

[Cybele]

Hello Nina,

This sounds like a lovely poem to give to a true friend and I am sure she will be delighted to be the object of such warm thoughts, I know I would be.

As I move along life’s avenue
many people pass my way.
Most drift by leaving no impression;
intent on their own destinations.
A few stop briefly to say hello,
then continue on their journey.

Some walk through me:
to them I am insignificant.
Else they jostle me aside
in a hurry to reach their summit.
Several gladly use my help then
scurry away, offering no thanks.

L4 the word summit seems inappropriate here  may I suggest perhaps

'in a hurry to reach their goal.

Sometimes, like Sun
breaking through clouds:
someone reaches out,
touching me with kindness;
yet asking nothing in return.

L1 suggest maybe sunshine instead of sun (no capital needed)and since the last sentence is linked to the next stanza maybe a comma in lieu of a full-stop after return.

A person whose inner beauty shines;
radiating warmth and goodness:
vivid contrast to bland shadows
rushing heedlessly past.

Good luck with your title Nina.    

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

thanks for reading and making suggestions

L4 the word summit seems inappropriate here  may I suggest perhaps

'in a hurry to reach their goal.
my thinking behind this was in a hurry to reach the top (of their careers, the queue etc), not caring who they push out of the way to get there.

L1 suggest maybe sunshine instead of sun (no capital needed)and since the last sentence is linked to the next stanza maybe a comma in lieu of a full-stop after return
not sure because the first line of the next verse ends in shines, but I will think about it.

I still haven't had any inspiration as to a title

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

I love this; a truely inspirational friend. I hope s/he takes pleasure form the words and ideas. Sometimes someone brings warmth and light just when we need it in our lives.

I can see that you have had some suggestions and have already revised once, but I have one tentative suggestion to add:

Several gladly use my help then
scurry away, offering no thanks.

I wonder about 'perfunctory thanks' in place of 'offering no thanks' as some people 'do their duty' or 'settle their debts' but no more? The totally thankless folk are (luckily) in a minority

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Thanks.I too hope she does take pleasure from my words.

I wonder about 'perfunctory thanks' in place of 'offering no thanks' as some people 'do their duty' or 'settle their debts' but no more? The totally thankless folk are (luckily) in a minority

hmmm, yes I quite like your suggestion and may well use it.

I'm pleased you like it.



Nina

[Cybele]

Hello Nina,

L4 the word summit seems inappropriate here  may I suggest perhaps

'in a hurry to reach their goal.

my thinking behind this was in a hurry to reach the top (of their careers, the queue etc), not caring who they push out of the way to get there.

Ah, I see your point there Nina.

L1 suggest maybe sunshine instead of sun (no capital needed)and since the last sentence is linked to the next stanza maybe a comma in lieu of a full-stop after return


not sure because the first line of the next verse ends in shines, but I will think about it.

A valid point there Nina, but I still feel that first line could do with a little lengthening. How about sunlight? Chuck or choose my friend.


I still haven't had any inspiration as to a title.

:block: I'm sure something will dawn on you Nina. Just think WHY you wanted to write this for her. What does her friendship mean to you?

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

HI Nina...

Still in search of a title?

OK, thinking of the theme and the sun metaphor...

what about...

The Dawning of Friendship
Friendship Dawns
The Dawn of Friendship

etc

Sun Shines Through
Reflections of Sunshine
Sun Reflections

etc

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

thanks for the suggestions for the title, but they don't feel quite right.  It isn't really the dawning of a friendship, perhaps I'll go with something like:
True Friendship

Nina