First Kiss, free verse Options

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

First Kiss

this is a good ole soppy, cliche love poem.  anybody got any suggestions?

revision 2
I kneel beside you.
A hushed stillness comes over my soul;
the pounding of drums beat against my breast
as my eyes reverently feast on you.

I breathe in deeply, your
arousing scent fills my senses
till nothing exists inside me but you.

Your eyes, shining like
a clear blue lake,
shyly rise to meet mine.
I see your soul,
all your longings and expectations.

Gently, I caress your cheek.
You turn your head so
my hand cups your face
and you press your lips
inside my hand.

Adoringly, I slowly lower
my lips down to yours,
both of us trembling with anticipation.

As our mouths mate
and meld to one, my arms
encircle to cradle you
ever closer to me.

No heaven could offer
anything more beautiful than you.


revision 1
I kneel beside you.
A hushed stillness comes over my soul,
yet the pounding of drums beat against my breast
as my eyes reverently feast on you.

I breathe in deeply, letting your
arousing scent fill my senses
till nothing exists inside me but you.

Your eyes, shining like sparkling diamonds
on a clear blue lake,
shyly rise to meet mine.
Looking deeply, I see your soul,
all your longings and expectations.

Gently, I caress your cheek.
You turn your head so that
my hand cups your face
and you press your lips
inside my hand.

Adoringly, I slowly lower
my lips down to yours,
both of us trembling with anticipation.

As our mouths mate
and meld to one, my arms
encircle and cradle you
ever closer to me.

Ah, no heaven could offer
anything more beautiful than you.


original
I kneel beside you.
A hushed stillness comes over my soul,
yet the pounding of drums beat against my breast
as my eyes reverently feast on you.

I breathe in deeply, letting your
arousing scent fill my senses
till nothing exists inside me but you.

Your eyes, shining like sparkling diamonds
on a clear blue lake,
shyly rise to meet mine.
Looking deeply, I see your soul,
all your longings and expectations.

Gently, I caress your cheek.
You turn your head so that
my hand cups your face
and you press your lips
inside my hand.

Adoringly, I slowly lower
my lips down to yours,
both of us trembling with anticipation.

As our mouths mate
and become one, my arms
circle around you to cradle you
close, ever closer to me.

Ah, truly even heaven cannot offer
anything more beautiful than you!

[Guest__*]

Dear Deb

Wow ! See what I mean about you playing other games ? (My reply in your C of Disease thread)

This is delicious !

As I read, I have to constantly adjust my perception of which body is in which position in relation to the other, which adds a marvellous "tease" to the reading, and makes this VERY raunchy, as well.

My dirty old mind was in overdrive, and that doesn't happen too often these days.

No nits at all for the bulkof the poem, but the last few lines did raise some :

As our mouths mate                     - brilliant phrase; again, Whooooarrr !
and become one, my arms             - and meld to one - for alliteration ?
circle around you to cradle you      - encircle and cradle you - simpler ?
close, ever closer to me.               - poss comma - see next

Ah, truly even heaven cannot offer - as no heaven could offer ? (with or w/o " , truly, ") !
anything more beautiful than you!

Deb, it is 0700 here, and I'm going back to bed - not exactly to sleep !

Love
Alan   (only in the other plane ! )

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi alan,

i'm greatly tickled you enjoyed my poem.  and i agreed with all of your suggestions again.  another "great" poem you didn't write!

so i put up a revise based on them.  as soon as you get through playing with oops!   well, anyway, as soon as you get through, i'd love to know your thoughts about it.

hope you're having a great time!

deb

[Guest__*]

Dear Deb

I'm sure I answered this yesterday, but it is not here - poss I forgot to press ENTER ?

Anyway, I love it. So, er, um, in a way, did my wife !    :rasp:  :Oo:  

Love (now, HOW does he mean that ? )
Alan

[Guest_Dove_*]

I kneel beside you.
A hushed stillness comes over my soul, (
yet the pounding of drums beat against my breast
as my eyes reverently feast on you.

I breathe in deeply, letting your
arousing scent fill(s) my senses
till nothing exists inside me but you.

Your eyes, shining like sparkling diamonds
on a clear blue lake,
shyly rise to meet mine.
Looking deeply, I see your soul,
all your longings and expectations.

Gently, I caress your cheek.
You turn your head so that
my hand cups your face
and you press your lips
inside my hand. :pharoah2

Adoringly, I slowly lower
my lips down to yours,
both of us trembling with anticipation.

As our mouths mate
and meld to one, my arms
encircle and (to) cradle you
ever closer to me.

Ah, no heaven could offer
anything more beautiful than you.

Deb---

just got rid of some of the words that i thought were not needed. did you write this cliche on purpose? i do love the thought in it, although i didn't feel the need to rush to bed like alan.....i think he just wanted an excuse.

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi dove,

i liked all your suggestions, so i posted a revise with them.  THANKS!

as far as writing it cliche, no, i just wrote it.  it's one of my first ones.  found out later through crits that it was cliche.  but you should have seen it in it's infancy!

yeah, i think alan just wanted an excuse also.  you know how those guys are!  

thanx again for all your terrific suggestions.  i really appreciate them!

deb

[Guest__*]

Hey guys

"alan just wanted an excuse also"

What makes you think I NEED an excuse !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

dearest encourager,

please forgive us our ramblings.  it was, perhaps, a little insensitive of us.  we know that you, nor anyone of the male species, needs an excuse and that you are all in a perpetual state of readiness!  

so grant us 10 Hail Mary's and we'll endevour to keep our musings about
male sex practices to ourselves. :drill:

love ya!

deb

[Orion]

Deb,

You've created a very sensual poem.
Whew~!~the temperature seemed to change a bit as I was reading your words.
Wonder why? Hmmm...must be the makings of an effective poem.
A very good job~

Jan

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi jan,

thank you!  i appreciate your stopping by & giving such nice comments.  

b good {or good at it!}

deb