SONG OF REMEMBRANCE Options

[Guest_Oludpoet_*]

SONG OF REMEMBRANCE (RE-WRITE)

You traveled in a winged metal
friends donated tears thereafter
to sail the casing of your cadaver
built like a life boat with cover
to where river of dreams
flows into ocean of dream.

Now you are on a one-way voyage
in this vessel of unfulfilled dreams,
embalm with sweet-scent attar
of apostle plant

The hour of my life
has gone north east
but fear has kept me
from marital feast

…on a one-way voyage
in this vessel of unfulfilled dreams
you, the girl of my dream

See you someday, angel,
at the arrival terminal
of the endless-end
where you'll introduce me
to the company of angels.

Now you are on a one-way voyage
submerged in this sea
of unfulfilled dreams
you, my gorgeous angel,
holding a stalk of half bloomed
walking iris to blind mourning doves.



SONG OF REMEMBRANCE

You sojourned on a winged metal
we contributed tears thereafter
to sail the encasement of your cadaver
built like a life boat with cover
to where river of dreams
flows into ocean of dreams.

Did i not owe
the two eggs
in the sagging sack
between my legs
to you my generous angel?

Bad debt.

Now you travel
in this submarine
of unfulfilled dreams,
embalmed with sweet-scented
attar of apostle plant

The hour of my life
has gone north east
but fear has kept me
from marital feast

see you, angel
at the arrival terminal
where you'll introduce me
to the company of angels.

Now you travel
submerged in this sea
of unfulfilled dreams
you, my generous angel,
holding a stalk of
half bloomed walking iris
to a blind mourning dove.

[4rum]

Dear Oludpoet;

Your rich use of metaphor is done very well. I like it here especially because of the difference in countries and cultures. If we both wrote the same poem, it would most likely be worded quite differently, but mean the same. You write with much sincerity and emotion. I could very easily fall in love with your 'angel' through the visions in your eyes.

4rum

[Guest_Oludpoet_*]

Dear Sam,

Thanks a lot for your kind comment, I quite agree
with you about the difference in way of writing.
I am also here to learn so as to develop into
a better poet.

Thanks once more for taking the time to comment
your suggestions are highly welcome if you have any, friend.

[Siren]

HI Sesan,

You became a member in MM during my absence so it's a pleasure meeting you and being introduced to your style.
I felt ecstatic that you are from Lagos, since I grew up there. I had the loveliest childhood and still miss eating barbequed plantain from the mama on the street, and having my sooya wrapped up in newspaper and eating it in the hut. So many memories and seeing you here dredged them up.
Now onto your poem.

You sojourned on a winged metal. (full stop here)
We contributed tears thereafter
to sail the encasement of your cadaver,
built like a life boat with cover
to where river of dreams
flows into ocean of dreams.
Captivating first line. In the last line of this S "dreams" isn't necessary, so how about just simply:
to where river of dreams
flows into its ocean.


Did I not owe
the two eggs
in the sagging sack
between my legs
to you my generous angel?
the above felt too wordy. This does seem a bit personal too or maybe my mind is interpreting it that way. "two eggs in sagging sack between legs"

Bad debt.

Now you travel
in this submarine
of unfulfilled dreams,
embalmed with sweet-scented
attar of apostle plant

The hour of my life
has gone north east
but fear has kept me
from marital feast

see you, angel
at the arrival terminal
where you'll introduce me
to the company of angels.

Now you travel
submerged in this sea
of unfulfilled dreams
you, my generous angel,
holding a stalk of
half bloomed walking iris
to a blind mourning dove.


Honestly Sesan, it's now almost dawn here and my mind is out of function... pls clear out for me your intent because the metaphor seems to jump at me from different sides and am afraid I wont catch it.

thanks for the read.

dani

[Sekhmet]

Hello there Oludpoet - We have not met before, but I admire your poem,and your confidence in juggling with metaphor.
However - I, too, was left unsure about exactly what the poem was telling me. Extra punctuation might have made your intention clearer.
I'll offer you the thoughts that came to me as I read your poem. If I was wrong, I'm sorry.

My final understanding was that these verses are a heart-broken, valedictory poem to a parent, possibly your departed mother.
I really do need to feel clearer about whom you are mourning.


You sojourned on a winged metal - He/she spent some time on an aeroplane?
In which case,
You sojourned in winged metal. - Would sound better to an English ear. I am now wondering about the identity of the 'you' who went away in an aeroplane?'

we contributed tears thereafter A sad departure, but just how sad is it? A lover, a friend , or even a much loved member of your family?


to sail the encasement of your cadaver I loved the words, and the use of the word, 'cadaver' is slightly shocking; suggesting a body on a mortuary slab. I still can't tell who has died.

Did I not owe
the two eggs
in the sagging sack
between my legs
to you my generous angel? The thought about heredity here, suggests that, the, 'You' in question was a parent, possibly a mother?

bad debt. You owe her/him a debt that has not, cannot now, be repaid.

Now you travel
in this submarine
of unfulfilled dreams, A submarine? The, 'winged metal' was not an aeroplane - possibly, a burial at sea?


The hour of my life The origin of your life has departed -but you fear to follow.
has gone north east
but fear has kept me
from marital feast

see you, angel When you die, your, 'angel'; almost certainly, your mother,
will be waiting to meet you in Heaven.
at the arrival terminal
where you'll introduce me
to the company of angels.

I am probably way off the mark with my interpretation - but I was left feeling confused about your intent, whilst still admiring your evocation of loss.
Leo

[Guest_Oludpoet_*]

Dear Dani,

Thanks again and again friend. You need to revisit Lagos - your second home - sometime soon, I will really love to hear of your second coming friend, though there are developmental changes here and there but the cultural value remains. Currently there is Lagos International carnival in the air if you are interested google it.

Again, thanks for the time you took to comment on my poem. I saw sense in your suggestions and observations and would rewrite now I hope you would like the rewrite better.

I wish you the best of this season.

[Guest_Oludpoet_*]

Kupia Leonora,

I am honored to have you comment on my post. I must have been drunk when I posted this poem my english teacher must not see it thanks for suggestions interpretations and observations. I will post the re-write please do read it and comment help me a poor poet get better.

Your interpretation was close to perfect

by "the hour of my life has gone north-east" I mean I am in the afternoon of my existence if life is divided into 24 hours.

Thanks a lot, your comment really opened my eyes.

I wish u the best of the season and may your heart desires be granted for the rest of your beautiful life.