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Posted on: Nov 30 06, 17:42 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
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Member No.: 213
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Saying I was here. . .I'll be back.
I would have known who wrote it. . .just by the title. lolol I so enjoy those.
~Rene~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #87973
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Posted on: Nov 26 06, 16:34 |
Babylonian
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Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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What an undertaking this must have been. . .I will read through all ten. . .and get back in a few days with comments on Verse I.
Thanks for sharing.
~Rene~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #87742
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Posted on: Nov 25 06, 09:15 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Exactly my point, difficult to offer an intelligent crit based on only Verse I. . .I can crit only Verse I, certainly, but do not want to waste unnecessary comment if the whole gives a better view of "she"
Thank you. . .will look for the rest either at the bottom of this thread or in another forum.
~Rene~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #87684
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Posted on: Nov 25 06, 08:58 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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You were toying with the cherry of a Shirley Temple,
while outside a procession drifted by, their red luminaries aglow, their footsteps echoing the worship of some deity, the prayer for some cause.
Here, inside, the tongue of petition held itself silent -- the coming of a breeze crossed your expression and within the intonation of your words I could hear the distant rainfall that thrummed against your fragility, against windows left ajar;
and as I sipped my drink through a stir straw, giving you my cherry when you asked, making faces at the bite of wasabi peas juxtaposed against the sweetness of amaretto,
I slipped into your downcast eyes drawn by the haunt, still intent on the dark curve of their lashes, still conscious of the soft plane of your cheek, adjusting to light and shadow.
~Rene~ Schwiesow |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #87680
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Posted on: Nov 25 06, 08:46 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Ok -- as long as you keep the snow on your side of the street. lolol I only wish for snow from one week before Christmas until one week after new year. . .then I'm done. *smile* But for those of you who are snow fans, winter sports enthusiasts. . .I understand.
You've gotten some good ideas on restructuring syntax for an easier flow. . .will look forward to seeing a revision.
~Rene~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #87678
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Posted on: Nov 25 06, 08:42 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Having lost a dear, dear childhood friend to AIDS. . .I understand the pain of its reality.
In way of critical comment I may suggest the elilmination of the adverbs. . .best when used extremely sparingly in poetry. While I admit to using adverbs myself. . .I do try to pare them back. . .allowing the reader to subject their own feel to the work as much as possible.
Empathy. . .is a necessary commodity in this manifest world. . empathy without enabling the status quo. . .difficult. . .but in getting the picture out there. . .a way can begin to be cleared.
~Rene~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #87677
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Posted on: Nov 25 06, 08:35 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Hi Gregory ~
While you are have posted what you term "Verse I" for critique in the interests of aiding those who comment, I would appreciate seeing all of the verses posted here with comment requesting critique on Verse I at this time.
My reasoning is that what may seem necessary to comment on by viewing only Verse I, could be answered with a reading of the other verses.
As "Her" is apparently at the core of this prophecy. . .my focal comment on Verse I would be who is "she". . .however, that may become far more clear in viewing the whole of the work.
This piece holds a rather ominous tone. . .and I'm not certain, yet, that I should read this in a "lemming to the sea" type sense or not. . .
Will be interesting to read the rest.
~Rene~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #87676
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Posted on: Nov 18 06, 23:16 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Well. . .I'm no metric maid. . .but you know that. . . there may be other reasons you've led me to this work. . .however, I will give it some serious poetic thought and return as it is late at the moment. . .
you are right. . .each person must eventually "go it" on their own. . .we can only lead them to the water.
I'll be back.
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #87416
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Posted on: Nov 18 06, 08:57 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Just to say, for now, it's good to read you. . .
And, in your usual way, you gave me tingles in the read.
I'll be back after some contemplation.
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #87380
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Posted on: Nov 18 06, 08:39 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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I'm here. . .thank you to those of you who emailed me wondering where I'd gone. . .
Many of you know that I've been through some rough, rough emotional times over the past year plus. . .and, truthfully, the last month has been -- well, not good.
I'm not sure what any of my new writing will hold. . .however, I want to assure all of you who have known me for so very long and will want to voice concern over what you may read. . .that I am fine. . .or going to be fine. . .
Hope to see you a bit more frequently on the boards. . .Hope your Halloween/Samhain was good. . .that your Thanksgiving will be full of food. . .and that the Holiday Season. . .will give you many opportunities for Love.
~Ren~ |
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Forum: Member Announcements -> Basilica
· Post Preview: #87377
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Posted on: Sep 18 06, 16:42 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Thanks for sharing, Cyn. . .hmmmm. . .I have been feeling something like this was out there. . .
Will be back to share some thoughts. . .
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83647
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Posted on: Sep 18 06, 13:24 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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QUOTE(ohsteve @ Sep 18 06, 11:25 ) [snapback]83627[/snapback] White sandy beaches, [whose] waves [are] rolling, [just] a short time ago [they pounded] over the shoals. {They} Washed away my solitary foot prints from [all] the shores, where [now] the gulls and terns fight over a scrap of jetsam.
What part of life would I be if not a loner, Could you see me washing the streets with rain? not I, just as I could not picture the restrictions of traffic lights on my foot{-}worn paths. Love that ending thought. . .the restriction of traffic lights. . .very nice, . .just a coupla cents. ~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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Posted on: Sep 18 06, 13:20 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Hey Steve ~ Thanks for stopping, reading. . .and sharing your nits regarding this piece. . .appreciate your time!
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83643
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Posted on: Sep 18 06, 13:19 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Hey Cyn ~ I like the revised first stanza. . .though wonder if you need flat as you use it again just the next stanza. . .and I find the ending on goldeneyes landing . .perfect. . .I'm sure it was difficult to cut that rainbow line. . .though.
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83642
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Posted on: Sep 18 06, 12:43 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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oops. ..typo. . .*blushes*. . .I read this through twice after posting. . .and still missed it.
grants -- is the word.
Thanks, Tim
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83639
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Posted on: Sep 18 06, 10:03 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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You left me for manicured streets, the precision clip of lawns that end in floral arrangements, haute coutre plantings in Stepford beds,
left my woods and the natural lay of a land where tall pines whisper and bats hang from the branches that offer a thick mat of needles to the goddess who grants birth in the cycle of maiden, mother and crone.
You left me for houses where tamed women crumble behind chemical peels and hide the clawing of their wolf;
and yet I know that I left you long before because the wildness of the moon could not be withdrawn from my breast.
~Rene~ Schwiesow |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83623
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 11:57 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Congratulations on both of your awards! This is lovely and visual.
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83418
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 11:55 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Hey Liz. . .this is virtually an ars poetica. . .enjoyed. Congrats on your Wizard!
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83416
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 11:53 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Another beaut with some wonderful revision work! Congrats on this Wizard!
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83415
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· Views: 7,890
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 11:51 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Hey Liz ~ Congrats on your Wizard!
Whooo-Hoooo! *smile*
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83414
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 11:49 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Hey Snow ~ Congratulations on this Wizard!
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83412
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 11:29 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Congrats on the Wizard! I think a new title does this justice. . .it's amazing how we draw to us what we need. . .whether it take a month or four years. . .through love we receive.
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83399
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 11:25 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Hey Tim ~ This gem. . .deserves all the treasured awards that are applicable. . .so much work. . .so much evolution.
Congrats!
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83395
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 11:23 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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Hey Lori ~ Congrats on your Wizard Award. . .very cool. . .
for a poignant poem
~Ren~ |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83393
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 09:59 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
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QUOTE(Cathy @ Sep 14 06, 13:57 ) [snapback]83265[/snapback] This is a Times Ten Challenge response inspired by Lori's "Youthful Lure". Thanks Lori!
Portal
Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment as zephyrs whispered of love songs; innocence paled among the cliffrose, plucked one by one from their stem.
Hi Cathy ~ I love the title. . .perfect it would seem. . .I guess my biggest nit would be that I would like to see "him" and "her". . .more throughout this work.
His dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment; zephered whispered of love songs floating on the sweet night air, and her innocence paled among the cliffrose, plucked one by one from their stem.
On the eve of physical blossoming, expectations winged gentle skies, hopes touched the heavens with promise spoken... scorned by thorned reality.
I may look for another way to say "physical". . .all your word choices are so "poetic". . .so lovely. . .and physical seems somewhat "doctor" like.
The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned breathless upon her trembling soul, palatial garden petals tumbled shattered dreams at her feet.
This reminds me of all those Woodiwiss books I used to read in high school. . .The Flame and the Flower, the Wolf and the Dove, etc. *smile* I'd like to know exactly what you're talkinga bout here though. . .or moreseo anyway. . .what ascension? etc.
~~~
Behold... a warming kiss of golden sun glistens upon her cleansing tears, embraces emotional healing to break the binding spell he'd cast.
All very lovely and fairy-tale like. . .your wording does put one in a garden. . .I can see it.
Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within that star dusts Arabian nights. Scents of desert flowers fill the air as contentment fills her heart.
Interesting ending. . .finding the bliss inside the heart ache. . .which is always, always there when we look deep enough.
~Ren~
Cathy Bollhoefer copyright Sept 14, 2006
ascen(sion){ds} kindles golden pala(tial){ce} Arabia(n) eve behold bliss(ful) bitter(sweet) sigh |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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