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anaisa
post May 21 10, 11:52
Post #1


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



I've come to reminisce, retracing all
your steps beneath the symmetry of pines
and palms that colonnade near Angwin Hall.
The old rectangle chapel face aligns
its sacramental windows with the hills,
where sixty-years ago, inside those white
washed plaster walls your faith was found. Shade spills
like balm against the beveled glass. This fight,
to capture every yesteryear you've owned,
leaves me undone. The dormitory stairs
of walnut, tap an ageless chant— intoned
with all your giddy dreams and girlish prayers.
The thought of you remains an oblique ray
of fleshless gold, that burns my hours away.


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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Sep 20 10, 15:29
Post #2





Guest






Hi, Karen,

lovely sonnet,well controlled. There are a couple of places where I need a little help.

QUOTE
where sixty-years ago, inside those white
washed plaster walls your faith was found. Shade spills


The 'white washed plaster' image applied to faith invokes the 'white-washed sepulchres' of the gospels, a very negative description which I doubt you intended. If you did, of course, it is very effective; if this was not your intention, could I suggest replacing 'faith was' with 'faults were' to keep the alliteration and stay in the general area invoked.

QUOTE
to capture every yesteryear you've owned,
leaves me undone. The dormitory stairs


In these lines it's the switch from 'you've' to 'me' that threw me a little. Are you addressing the building or the young girl you were when you attended? Or perhaps a bit of both? Not sure, the later lines on dreams and prayers don't really help me with that understanding, but perhaps that's not too important; the language use is beautiful and more than compensates for a little confusion.
Jim
 
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anaisa
post Sep 22 10, 09:31
Post #3


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Jim,

Thanks for going throught this, I appreciate the help.
The line about capturing every yesterday was address to my mother,
I went back to walk her school campus and it brought back memories
of her youth. It could seem a bit confusing but I'm not sure if I can
do much to clear it up at this point. Good to see you around!

K

QUOTE (bombadil1247 @ Sep 20 10, 16:29 ) *
Hi, Karen,

lovely sonnet,well controlled. There are a couple of places where I need a little help.

QUOTE
where sixty-years ago, inside those white
washed plaster walls your faith was found. Shade spills


The 'white washed plaster' image applied to faith invokes the 'white-washed sepulchres' of the gospels, a very negative description which I doubt you intended. If you did, of course, it is very effective; if this was not your intention, could I suggest replacing 'faith was' with 'faults were' to keep the alliteration and stay in the general area invoked.

QUOTE
to capture every yesteryear you've owned,
leaves me undone. The dormitory stairs


In these lines it's the switch from 'you've' to 'me' that threw me a little. Are you addressing the building or the young girl you were when you attended? Or perhaps a bit of both? Not sure, the later lines on dreams and prayers don't really help me with that understanding, but perhaps that's not too important; the language use is beautiful and more than compensates for a little confusion.
Jim



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