Hello Keith
(I see you asked for crits on this one)
I enjoyed this little rhyme on Emma, it starts out well and S2 defines the characters nicely but in S3 it becomes confusing; the words “she” and “her” appear eleven times! and mostly from S3 onward. The reader is unsure who is who in the end.
S3
QUOTE
Her friend's acquaintance was improved, (Who is the friend’s acquaintance?)
she gave both poise and grace, (Who gives the poise and grace?)
convinced her that the greatest love (Who is convinced ?)
would not be out of place.
Also, S3 stars with anapaestic foot which upsets the iambic metre. I hope you find these comments useful. Take or toss as you wish.
Thanks for that lovely poetic take on Emma’s quaint ways.
Cheers,
Wally
Some nits and suggestions:
S1
QUOTE
“The cleverest of beings, she
knew well what’s best for all; (Small tense issue and coupling punctuation?)
to keep herself from boredom, just
procured a living doll.”
S3
QUOTE
“Her friend's appearance was improved, (perhaps acquaintance is the wrong word choice here)
defining poise and grace;
convinced her that the greatest love
would not be out of place.”
S4
QUOTE
“She went on with improvements till
it split their worlds apart
and Emma then discovered that
she knew not, her own heart.”