Apologies: I didn't spot that critique has to be asked for with star treatment Consider this ***+
I'm afraid I can't see how to edit into the title.

second edit, 22nd October - tried o recapture original "nursery rhyme" feel, dropped inappropriate anger

Cassandra and her Jenny
could not dwell long apart,
they shared the same bedchamber
and beating of one heart.

When parted they wrote letters
where sibling love would shine.
In every sentence written,
sweet laughter flowed like wine.

Cassandra's love for Jenny
was in the end employed,
for fondness of her sister
those letters were destroyed.

No picking over missives
the author left behind.
No setting on that pathway
to search into her mind.

Cassandra loved her Jenny,
she loved her true and long,
continued still to love her
when life itself was gone.

First edit

Cassandra and her Jenny
would not dwell long apart,
shared the same bedchamber,
the beating of one heart.

When parted there were letters
where storge love could shine,
carried in each sentence,
laughter like new wine.

Cassandra's love for Jenny
was in the end employed,
for fondness of her sister
those letters were destroyed.

No vultures now can pick bones
the author left behind,
venture down that twisted path
to search into her mind.

Cassandra loved her Jenny,
loved her true and long,
continued still to love her
when life itself was gone.


Original post

Cassandra and her Jenny,
would not dwell long apart;
they shared the same bedchamber,
likewise each other's heart.

When parted they wrote letters,
where filial love could shine;
in every sentence written,
sweet laughter flowed like wine.

Cassandra loved her Jenny;
(the world would be annoyed),
for fondness of a sister,
those letters were destroyed.

No vultures now pick at bones
the author left behind;
venture down that twisted path
to search into her mind.

Cassandra loved her Jenny,
loved her true and long;
continued still to love her
when life itself was gone.

Hi Keith,

I didn't know if this was posted merely for display or if you wanted some type of critique: (* small),
(** medium) or (*** lots)...

There is one thing that is confusing to me. You used "filial" to describe feelings between two sisters. That would be a misnomer in that "filial" is a descriptive term for feelings shared between a child and the parent, not between siblings. It also throws off the metrical beat in that line.

Let me know if you would prefer no critique or ???.

Larry

Larry,

The rule with me is simple. I never take offense and am always open to suggestions or critiques, even in a challenge or continuing thread of any kind. Tell it straight, even if you think it may hurt. I promise it won't.

I hold my hand up to that thoughtless word. I was thinking Philia or Phileo. It may have been a Freudian slip because to an extent Casandra was like a mother to Jenny. On the other hand it may be more appropriate to think in terms of Storge. (There's no excuse for me, I'm part of an organization that has us begin with Agape for all, widening out to Phillia for our spiritual brothers and sisters.)

Keith, the happy chappy

Well,

I couldn't wait any longer for suggestions or pointers. so I put on my thinking cap and decided to have a go myself. The only verse to escape treatment is the deliberately simplistic last verse. I hope this is an improvement but considering where I was starting from, that should not be hard. Thanks again for the heads up Larry.

Keith, the happy chappy

Hi Keith,

Sorry it took so long for me to get back but since I've been retired, I'm busier than I ever was when I held down a full time job.

You will find, in a short period of time here and on many other sites such as this, that there is a paucity of participation in some of the forums; this being one of them because lots of people no longer fool with rhyme and meter and/or very structured forms of poetry. There are also fewer who have both the knowledge and inclination to critique these and similar forms. Such is the poetry world these days.

Now, I see you have taken it upon yourself (as is your due) to revamp your post without the benefit of input from anyone but me and my minor observation concerning word usage. I had a few things to offer, and will do so, which I expect you to take or toss as you see fit.

First, let me say I liked the rhythm of your iambic trimeter piece with alternating feminine endings but saw a couple of bumps where you diverged from that format, i.e. the original S1 maintained that rhythm but your edit in L3 changed that. You took away the feminine aspect and made the line trochaic instead of iambic. I prefer the original L3 but liked the change in L4.

Next, in S2, you went away from "they wrote letters" to "there were letters". The subjective or personal statement of what the parted sisters did was more apt than the general observation that "there were letters". In S2/L2, the usage of "storge" not only made the line a half foot short but would stop most readers in their tracks. Unless the reader was fluent in or familiar with Greek, they would not know that storge is the first of the Four Loves and the word still doesn't describe the sisterly love I envision from reading your poem. The most fitting word I can think of is "agape" or unconditional love but that doesn't fit in the rhyme scheme either. I suggest using "sibling" in its stead. That is something most people understand and maintains the meter of the piece. You might consider losing the semi-colon at the end of L2 and using it at the end of L3 instead of the comma and use the original L3 & L4 for the ending of S2.

It is getting late so I will leave you to ponder my best efforts for your first two stanzas. I don't want to presume to be an expert and as I said before, TOT as you see fit. I will be back tomorrow or the next day to offer more assistance in polishing a beautiful but melancholy piece.

Larry

Hi Larry,

Thanks for dropping by again, you have given me a lot to think about. I'm especially fond of the simplicity of sibling. Talk about not seeing wood for trees.

This is beginning to look like a useful exercise. I was ready to throw away all those dire poems of my earliest writings. There were medical reasons concentration was impossible, I couldn't even read normal prose. I started writing simply as an exercise to keep my mind active.

Unfortunately, although my writing was so bad, the subject matter (Jane Austen, her novels and characters) was very dear to me. I would have been ashamed now to exhibit this one in its original form (what you saw was already reworked, losing three verses in doing so). I am now inclined to continue looking to see what might be salvaged from the old crop.

Don't worry, I'll not post them all.

Keith, the happy chappy

Keith,

I do believe you have it polished just right! Everything dances plus the rhythm and rhyme is spot on.

As far as changing the title, when you do an edit, the box with your previous title should be at the top of the page. Just change it there.

Larry

Thanks Larry,

It certainly feels much more finished now. Its amazing how I can look and ponder at what's on the page and although I know its not quite right, can't see the wood for the trees. Oh yes, I edited the title, just to see if I understood your instructions. I couldn't see it before because I used "Quick Edit."

the happy chappy