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Posted on: Jun 3 09, 07:25 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Hi Larry
You certainly captured the danger of the sea and its almost mystical lure with which it captivates many of us.
While not a big fan of enjambment you have pulled it off well.
I was put in mind of the sermon at the beginning of Moby Dick, and that very strange sailors chapel. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115646
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Posted on: May 21 09, 06:31 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Dear Ace thanks so much for the reading and taking time to analyze and comment.
Afruit - poetic license - like awaft , aburst The redolent has been fixed.
Thanks again for your suggestions. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115279
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Posted on: May 21 09, 06:24 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Dear Cleo
Thanks so much for taking time to read, analyze and suggest improvements.
Of course - my own mispronunciation of buoys cause me to use it in place of something like lifts.
The error has been corrected along with the punctuation errors.
Thanks again |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115278
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Posted on: May 21 09, 06:17 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Dear Leonora
I can't believe how I misread your nit and also misread my own poem.
Redolent of course ! |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115277
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Posted on: May 20 09, 14:44 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ May 20 09, 13:16 ) Hi Mike, I actually very much enjoyed this poem, despite the lack of punctuation. Your inner rhymes are well versed and the rhythms are also very musical to the ear. I felt the tension as the storm came closer and closer. I do see you've used some commas in S1 but did carry that through to the other stanzas, so I suggest either ditching them or adding puctuation to the others. This pulled me in - I might suggest a rethinking on the title though so it isn't so obvious before the reader has read through the entire piece. I'll be back! ~Cleo Dear Cleo I want to deeply thank you for your time and comments - You and Leo woke me up to the fact that I as writer need to put myself in place of the reader. I have added what I feel is proper punctuation and hope it makes the piece more readable. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115267
· Replies: 6
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Posted on: May 20 09, 14:26 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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QUOTE (Sekhmet @ May 20 09, 03:41 ) Good morning Mike - A powerful poem, full of poetic thunder and lightening. I am so sorry to be difficult, but I had one or two problems when reading 'The Storm' for the first time - some probably arising from our different accents, and speech patterns. To look at the first stanza:
A) S1L1 'tow'ring' Ouch! For me that word refers to a small metal ring attached to a dingy to enable it to be towed. If you want to use, 'towering' why not use it? It is, after all, the first line - and at least at the beginning, the syllable count and metre are yours to command. B) I was casting about for some punctuation to help me to see the storm as you saw it. I was left full of questions. For example; should there be a full stop after 'cloud'? Or did you mean that the 'cloud deep mortars boom'? If you did, then cloud-deep, with a hyphen would help; but now, we have to consider the mortar(s); Were there several mortars, plural? - In which case it would be [mortars' boom.] but if there was only one, singular mortar, it would be mortar's booms.
C) 'loud reed' Is that a musical term? - I have not met with it before.
I stress that it is simply my own opinion - that words should never, (well hardly ever) be squashed up, and vital syllables expunged, just to make them fit into ones metre or syllable count. tow'ing, for 'towering'? 'ware for, 'aware'? deaf'ning for, 'deafening'
I accept that mine is probably a dated view - but to find these three tortured words in one poem was upsetting.
I'll wait, and see what others have to say - I am on shaky ground here - but feel that there is still work to do. Leo Dear Leo Please feel no need to apologize as being difficult - I greatly appreciate your time and attention and your comments. I have to plead guilty to being a bit too lazy at times, and, not putting enough of myself in the ears of my readers. While I have no problem with modifying towering to tow'ring in poetry I know some people get put off but that type of thing, yet poetry is full of een and o'er and some of the classical poets often resorted to this strategy. Pope is full of such 'abbreviations' (Essay on Man) as is Matthew Prior, Swift. and even Shakespeare. But despite this I am so glad you pointed out the difficulty you had with reading and understanding the poem due to these 'abbreviations' (actually only an attempt to force the reader to pronounce a word the way I wanted), I also am in your debt for pointing outhow the poem is just crying out for punctuation. I have modified the poem and hope you find the result more readable. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115266
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Posted on: May 19 09, 20:24 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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I have revised the poem to make it more readable - latest rev is below ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Majestic lofty pillared cloud, deep mortars booms, concussing, loud, reed bush and tree lay flat and cowed, Valhalla's darklings come.
They come with chill of air and bone, with gusts the dust and leaves are blown, strikes fear in beasts turns hearts to stone, advance the rolling drum.
Bee bird and mouse seek lair to flee, the ether's charged electric'lly, the clearest clears of sight you'll see, da-rum ba-rum da-rum.
Ones senses honed to keenest keen, more live, aware, you've never been, chilled thrills are felt and smelt and seen, raw power all strikes dumb.
It's here with roaring booming crash, hot searing light's hypnotic flash, as whips torrential raindrops lash, to all but storm you're numb.
Dead blinded with the wind and rain, knocked down by hammered thunder's mien, in awe you're redefined again, reality storms plumb.
Michael Pollack ©
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Original below
majestic tow'ring pillared cloud deep mortars booms, concussing, loud reed, bush and tree lay flat and cowed Valhalla's darklings come
they come with chill of air and bone with gusts the dust and leaves are blown strikes fear in beasts turns hearts to stone advance the rolling drum
bee bird and mouse seek lair to flee the ether's charged electric'lly the clearest clears of sight you'll see da-rum ba-rum da-rum
all senses honed to keenest keen more live and 'ware you've never been chilled thrills are felt and smelt and seen raw power all strikes dumb
it's here with deaf'ning booming crash hot searing light's hypnotic flash as whips torrential raindrops lash to all but storm you're numb
dead blinded with the wind and rain knocked down by hammered thunder's mien in awe you're redefined again reality storms plumb
Michael Pollack © |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115244
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Posted on: May 19 09, 20:20 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Dear Bev - I have added the title as you suggested. Thanks for reading and sharing a cup.
Dear Leonora - I have to agree with you that redolant seems more proper than redolent but my Webster's lists it as redolent. I drink it black too and savor the first cup above all others.
Dear Keith - your third and just the morning? You imbibe much more than I - thanks for sharing a cup.
Dear John - Thanks much for reading and commenting - I am a Fall and Winter camper - it's the best, all the other campers are gone and you can revel in the forest alone with nature.
Dear Marc - sharing a cup literally or poetically is always a joy.
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115243
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Posted on: May 18 09, 08:57 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Dear Bev I hope you are not getting too confused with all of the suggestions. I am writing only to encourage you to continue your attempt to write in rhyme and meter. Perhaps you might benefit from reading some classic works which are in rhyme and meter. Frost, Pope, Millay and Dickinson come to mind - Hang in there |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115204
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Posted on: May 17 09, 17:42 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Dear Eira - thank so much for reading and commenting - I knew the title needed something better and have changed it, |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115192
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Posted on: May 17 09, 13:05 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Marc
I can begin to see Mr. Rosario as a character in Washington Square Park here in NYC. I find him (and you) fascinating and eagerly await the next chapter. I thought the meter was easilly scanned and can find no fault in it at all. I liked the image of the sidewalks gushing the rifraff etc., it is spot on. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115185
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Posted on: May 17 09, 05:33 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Very original to compare a storm with a battle on earth. You drew me into the commotion and fear which accompanies both.
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115184
· Replies: 12
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Posted on: May 17 09, 05:26 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Wonderfully innovative you say so much with so little - always a sign of a well written poem.
Bravo!! |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115183
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Posted on: May 14 09, 11:45 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Mocha Java
Aroma too seductive to withstand its steaming essence lifts my very soul. From trees afruit in distant foreign lands each day it knits my mind and body whole.
It's best on icy mornings at a camp beside a pristine jewel of a lake. The heat and zest stave off the cold and damp and jolts the nodding sleeping heads to wake.
Life's mysteries I ponder in the deep and cyclic swirling eddies of my cup. Once sipped my thoughts can then begin to creep into my consciousness and raise me up.
Oh redolent and rich brisk steaming brew I can't imagine life deprived of you.
Michael Pollack © |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115126
· Replies: 13
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Posted on: May 11 09, 14:21 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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QUOTE (jgdittier @ May 11 09, 10:13 ) DEar Michael, I just finished commenting about another poem at a different site. THe comments involved the factors in poetry of message vs. form. As usual, the forms you use are almost always highly rated in my eyes, as this is too. I'll admit, my short-term memory (really short) diminishes somewhat the value of an abccab rhyme scheme. I just don't often grasp rhymes 5 lines apart. This is no complaint, those with retentive memories will probably prefer the rhyme scheme as a pleasant change. Here I think your last quatrain is so perfectly positive and makes the message here so ennobling that I feel constantly but lovingly nudged to give more thought to the message. Cheers, Ron jgdittier Dear Ron - I just love this form - something deep inside of me responded to it when I read it somewhere in a poem about a Quaker Meeting years ago. I have written of all the seasons except summer in the same form - I loathe the heat and humidity and have been struggling to find a message for Summer. Thanks again for the reading and comment - the title is a bit inane but with so many poems about Spring ? So glad you took to the message. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115066
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Posted on: May 11 09, 14:17 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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QUOTE (Marc-Andre Germain @ May 8 09, 02:35 ) Mike,
A well-crafted piece with a silky flow. A few near-rhymes, but they work well. I've enjoyed it.
Mark Thanks much Mark for the reading and I am so glad to have touched you a bit. I don't mind near rhymes at all but the meter has to be spot on. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115065
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Posted on: May 11 09, 14:14 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Dear Ron
I just love poems about poetry and writing poems and you've done the subject proud here - our purse will never increase from our writing , but I guess it's something deep down inside that we have to do. You are spot on that the average person is drawn to a witty poem so much more than to lamented lost love, woe is the state of the world etc.
I also think young children are naturally drawn to rhyme and meter and it should woven into their early education and their earliest books. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115063
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Posted on: May 10 09, 06:54 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Why Eisa this was just lovely - sway seems more suitable to me than glide I'm so glad to have had the opportunity to read this. I am also always returning to poems written in the past and trying to improve them - I think our poetry is like our children and we never stop caring for them or trying to better them. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115041
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Posted on: May 10 09, 06:48 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Dear John
I want to thank you so much for reading and commenting and even more for understanding my intent in the last stanza - The title was not chosed to denegrate the season - just that there are so many poems to Spring - this is the even the 2nd or 3rd I've posted - but yes, the season should be honored and celebrated. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115040
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Posted on: May 8 09, 13:48 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Dear Larry - not only have you written a lovely lyrical poem which should be near and dear to any poet who is drawn to rhyming meter , but you've invented a completely new form it seems - I would call it a swap sonnett. Bravo ! |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115013
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Posted on: May 8 09, 13:41 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Hello Master Merlin
Many years have passed since we first met - so nice to see you again.
If I remember correctly you were a strictly rhyming meter poet - this is a departure, but you have certainly managed to lyrically set a mood and tell your tale with very few, yet effective words - to my mind always the mark of a well written poem. My only suggestion is to stock up on the booze!
I am not much of a critic - just enjoy the readings and writing.
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115012
· Replies: 16
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Posted on: May 8 09, 07:54 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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As Ron posted I am also not as critical - What I like most about poetry is the flow of the poem, the message and the lyric quality of it all. Even though your meter altered, the flow did not seem 'broken' to me. From what I've read of your work - you write often on this theme and your style has a hypnotic dream-like quality which is welcomed here. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115006
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Posted on: May 8 09, 07:36 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Dear John Quite a puzzle you have worked out - I bet it came with plenty of headaches. You paint a nice picture of Spring. See below for a definition of a Villanelle http://www.public.asu.edu/~aarios/formsofv...2000/page8.htmlYou have worked out the alteration of the first and third line of the tercet but the middle line of each tercet is supposed to rhyme your poem reads The breezy, sun-drenched days of Spring spew fluffy flowers as dogwoods’ buds explode with a colorful, blossoming zing. April’s gentle, soaking showers bring a nurturing blanket of softened dew to the breezy, sun-drenched days of Spring. A more Villanellishly correct form would be The breezy, sun-drenched days of Spring spew fluffy flowers as dogwoods’ buds explode with a colorful, blossoming zing. April’s gentle, soaking showers bring Earth dressed in new array of pastel duds the breezy, sun-drenched days of Spring. My only other comment is that the poem would benefit by more attention to the meter - only a suggestion of course. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115005
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Posted on: May 8 09, 07:26 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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VERY innovative and amusing - You had me grinning during the pleasing read. A coincidence - I have a friend who is a failed professional Tenor at the Met - and his habits are quite close to what you depict of Mr. Rosario. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #115003
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Posted on: May 7 09, 12:37 |
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
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Such freshness in the air this day, the orbs advanced and all is well. Put by your sackcloth, shed your gloom, your room no more a cloistered tomb. Here new foaled lambs cavort and play, fair Gaea falls 'neath Vernal spell.
Comes Sol's return to Northern skies, comes dogwoods draped in creamed white gems. The breeze a-waft with pheromones, the birds a-woo with bell like tones; the ether whirs with lusting flies, renewed is all with leaf and stem.
And now the hour to hoe and till spread seed and nurture, love the earth; and well to plant new thoughts in you, to grow and blossom straight and true. Make joyous sounds from highest hill our slates are clean, ourselves rebirthed.
Michael Pollack © |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #114976
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