Hey Fran! Nice to meet you.

My Friend Temptation

In my fantasies I remember your face,
clear as a cameo. Your presence
once stirred my pulse to quick cadence.

When my marriage stood on a fault line,
you held me firm in doorways.
Your lips were so close to mine,
but something, perhaps a thin gloss
of commitment to another, kept me
from such a selfish indulgence.

We missed the perfect moment,
came close as this to love and let it pass--
wrapped arms around a dream and lost hold.

For two who loved, but loved not quite enough,
I am grateful we can endure old reminders
like playthings we have long since outgrown.
It may even be that someday I shall see
brown-eyed daisies, and not your eyes,
hear faint violins, and never turn my head.

Liz,

How absolutely delightful to read your poetry again. This may be an old one, but it's a good one. I don't think I remember seeing it before so either I haven't seen it or I just don't remember.

I'm trying to dust off my critter hat here, I'm not even sure if it still fits, but here goes...

oh, and you know the drill: use or lose, it's just my opinion.

Life’s Writings

Our time spent is a poetic opus -- >>>Awesome opening line.
short versed, yet inspiring. >>>Since you said "versed" I might consider using "inspired" to go along with it.

Together, we create >>>For such a powerful moment, I'd like to see a better verb. It's not that "create" doesn't convey the proper meaning, I just think this might be a good place to insert a more creative verb.

life's sonnet. As I arouse
those private places
where your muse hides from view,
you become my volta- >>>Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me? *wink*

Yet, you and she sit
like strangers
in quiet ignorance;
tears soaking the soil
of a fruitless future,
seeding more distance
than life should allow. >>>Likin' this stanza except...is life really allowing the distance or are the two people involved allowing it? Life just seems like such a broad term to use here. Perhaps "than two lives should allow".

You greet each other
when the day is done
with indistinct nods
of discontent.

Dinner is nipped, then sipped slowly,
to avoid the solitude of terse verse
at evenings end.

And still, you live together, alone, >>>I so know this feeling.
writing your life in chapters.
Why then, if I’m your blood's rush >>>blood's rush, I love that!
and she your heart's despair,
am I a one page poem--and she, your novel? >>>Great ending.


Liz, I really didn't find much to fuss about here, I had to read it a couple of times before I could find anything I might considering changing if it were my poem. But it's not my poem, it's yours, and it's a terrific one. I've seen a lot of your writing, maybe not as much lately, but I've seen it over the years and it always keeps getting better and better. Keep up the excellent work!

Hey there, Sue! How are you? (Hey, that rhymed.)

It's been ages since I've critiqued a poem, but if I'm gonna start posting my poems for critique (again), I have to pay it forward. Just pardon my rusty skills, and remember it's just my opinion, use or lose.



Unleashed

He weeps with joy at the sight of her
reaching far into the clouds,
looking upon him with the air
of a disdainful monarch.
He can feel her icy breath
as he nears her towering peak. >>>I think there might be a better adjective than towering to describe peak. I'm already assuming the peak is tall/towering so maybe another word to capture the mood/feeling.

He is within a moment
of the very spot on which
she turned him away
those long years ago…
so cruelly brushing him aside
like a broken branch of deadwood tree. >>>Just a little bitty thing, but I keep wanting to say "the broken branch of a deadwood tree, don't know why I'm seeing it that way instead of the way you wrote it, but it works either way.

All he wants now is just
to touch her heart once more
and feel its throbbing song
deep within his soul. >>>Like this stanza. Nice!

Pray she stays her anger; >>>I think I'm reading this line wrong. Does it mean the same as "Pray her anger stays"? Now that I think about it, I think that's what you meant, it's just worded in a unique way. I'm just "off" today (and every other day of the year too, hahaha)

for she changes in an instant >>>Maybe "she bursts in an instant" - "changes" just sounds sort of ordinary and "she" does not sound ordinary at all so perhaps there should be a different verb there, one that better describes the action.

from cool, serene and dressed
in verdant green
to a blazing demon
racked with seething rage,
devouring all within her reach.
With wrathful roars,
she strips her royal robes
and rains her fiery fury, far below. >>>Diggin' the alliteration here.
Then stands, scarred and smug,
in her naked glory. >>>I love this ending line.


Sue, I really did like your poem as is, I just thought I'd give you some alternate ideas to consider.

I'm really looking forward to reading more of your poetry and I hope to visit this forum more often in the future.

Take care.

Thank you, Merlin and Lori, for the kind comments! This is one of my own personal favorite poems that I've written, mostly because it was written during one of those moments where the words just come, with no pushing, pulling or forcing, they just come as they are.

Thanks again. I hope to hang around here a little more often.

When Mourning Dawns

All day your name has been against my mind
and hurt me like the too frail loveliness
of pear blooms in the rain.

All night my voice undefined
has swung from star to star
to call you back.

Tomorrow I will know that you can't come
and after that I won't know anything
but small hard shells against my bare feet
and sand upon my lips at dawn.





*Just trying to get back into the groove of posting my work and commenting on the work of others, figured this would be a good place to start.*

Lori, it's wonderful to read you again. It's Thanksgiving, but this poem has me wishing for spring. I love its light, carefree feel. A fitting "tribute" to one of my favorite birds. :) Way to go!

Hey Lindi! I think I remember this poem. Did you ever post it at PK?

It really has a profound message that we need to be reminded of, not just today, but every day.

Nice to read your poetry again. I do need to try to hang around here more often.

I've been feeling nostalgic lately, and missing my old friends. It's been so long, I couldn't even remember my password here.

Some of you may know me by Poppy...others may not know me at all...so let me reintroduce myself.

I was, am, and always will be Poppy. I used to write poetry quite a bit as a way of coping with my life's problems. Now that my life has straightened out somewhat, I write a lot less. The need just isn't there. I DO still write poetry sometimes though. Also, when I was a stay at home mother and housewife, I had more time to write. Now that I have a full-time job and still have to be mom and wife when I come home, I don't have as much time to write...or if I do have the time, I'm too tired.

The main thing I write now is greeting card copy, both humorous and rhyming. It's easier to write as it's usually ideas that just come to me or something I write off the top of my head. I make a sale now and then, nothing to retire on, but something to keep my creative juices flowing and it's a welcome distraction from my full-time job as a medical transcriptionist. I love the job, but it's a very mentally stressful one.

I'm still married with one child and living "in the sticks" of Mississippi. My husband and I are celebrating our 14th anniversary tomorrow and my daughter is 13 years old now.

So who all is here that I know? I see you, Lori/Cleo. And isn't Liz/poetprncess here somewhere? She's Amethyst, I believe. Anyone else here want to confess to knowing me? hahaha If not, you can always introduce yourself. I like making new friends.

Gosh, I haven't forgotten how to talk or make long posts, have I? hahaha

Wow, I really need to hang around here more often.  

Lori, glad to hear that even though things aren't the best, they're not the worst either.

Take care.

Lori Kanter won 1st place in Shadows Ink Poetry Contest of 2003. Please join me in congratulating her on this accomplishment and stand in line with me as we await the release of her chapbook.

Congratulations Lori, you deserve this.  

BTW, here's the link: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/contests/winners/winners.html

Hey ya'll!

I'm taking some time out today to do some catching up.  Just wanted to show my support to Lori and her new site and tell the rest of you HELLO!  Don't know how often I'll be able to participate, but know that I'm here in spirit.

Take care and have fun.  :jackbox: