Haiku Options

[Guest_alice_*]

Harbour waters
I see me in my
daughters face


Alice44

[Larry]

Hi Alice,

Welcome to MM and the wonderful interaction of different minds swimming in the same small pool. Like Steve, I prefer the 5-7-5 structure but that is my problem. The content and not the structure is one of the reasons I wanted to post my thoughts on your Haiku thread; ( it is more likely a Senyru as Lori stated). I would question why you "tell" the reader what you want them to see instead of utilizing "objective correlation" and let the reader view the external facts you present and have an epiphany when realizing that your stated facts hold true for a lot of people. By being too subjective, you take away that chance. Perhaps something like:

Harbour waters
My face reflected
two times

Just a take or toss suggestion but I'll leave you with a paraphrased thought: What we imagine, think or feel on an emotional basis will interrupt and become inappropriate; we want to produce a thought with the reader, not start with one.

I do love the imagery but wish you had let me figure out what you wanted me to see.

Larry