pale horse rider, (content) Options

[Guest_sampo_*]

(apology to marcus edward man snr.)


anti-septic atmosphere
infused into the stagnance
of sun dead hallways -

my footsteps forced forward.

room 103

stagnance goes bleep
amid nests of tubes, weighs
down the scaffold beds
with curtain walls, then falls
out a dim window
onto the sidewalk.

bed 4

i take the chair beside a white
mound with bones beneath,
listening to the rattle of his up,
down chest,

then shuffle car magazines
until he wakes.

morning.
morning, son... glad you came.
me too.
where's your mother?
she's sick.
damn good cover.

[insert forced laughter.]

well, i haven't tasted anything in months, you know?
yeah, i believe it.
then, why don't you help your old man out to the balcony?
so you can smoke?
so i can smoke.
you know...


(marcus, this is dr. lokukatagoda.
good morning, dr... um, how's my father?
well, we blah, metastasis, blah, blah...
done everything we can.
done?)


... okay.
that's a good kid, man even.
the fuck i am,

where's the bathroom?
out and left.
i'll be back

in a sec.


escape down the metal shaft, winded
by shame, knots i need to cough out.

past old men in white dresses,
umbilicaled to machine, being wheeled round
and round fluorescent linoleum.

across the road -
o'malleys pub.
to a drowsy barkeep;

bourbon and coke,
deck of marlboro.


embedded in a garden of ashtrays,
watching the ten storey tombstone
lean over a flatlined horizon,

windglass in the eye waters.

i must go back,
i must go.

[azurepoetry]

Hello sampo,

i am pressed for time as i must go back to work tonight.

John has given you some sound advice within his crit. Let me add a couple of things.
First off, i get the point of the metal shaft = elevator and the feel that the N (narrator) is in descent, but i don't think that comes across, esp. since there was no preparation beforehand to give the reader a chance to get it.
Your first real hit comes in the dialogue and the [insert forced laughter] line.

My advice: Change the first stanza. Sun-dead hallways and the set up of stagnation are fine, but there is not set up for the N's feelings. Even a line about the N's trepidation and the unease, counterpointed by the antiseptic, orderly environment of a hospital.

Another thought: consider holding the setting titles to include the change up with the doctor, maybe even move it to a nurses' station--still spliced into the room conversation--and then perhaps the N makes his way "down", perhaps just a little double meaning in the writing could let the elevator be there along with the "sinking feeling" you are going for and, finally, place the 'title' of O'Malley's Pub and leave it out of the thought-speak with just the words attributed to the N's inability to deal with his father's situation in the hospital.

My last nit for now: consider alluding to something about the severity of the ailment. i would surmise it is serious, if not life-threatening, but even admist the blah-blah-blah, you could include something like this...

blah-blah-spread to lungs--blah-blah--inoperable-blah-blah-diddy-blah.

You get my point. i am sorry to be so short with you.
This poem has a lot of bravery and honesty that is refreshing and should be in poetry in general, imo. You have a winning piece that needs some tuning.

Good luck, i'll be back later to address anything i've mentioned that you need clarification and i'll try and keep an eye on this one's developement.

~tim