Hidden from the grip of mangrove roots
my song was born. I gave her breath
and she woke to the slap of the making tide.
The men heard her and they became shadows
on the face of the moon with their hands on fire.
We ran from the rocks and the roar and the crack
but the fingers of the lightning men found us.
She fled from my mouth on a frantic wing
and keened to the gorge where the river chuckles
and the echoes tell sweet lies.

The men called on the sun to wake and find her but the sun would not, so the men grew angry and swallowed him. They twitched long spears onto their arms and legs and twirled through clouds of dust to change into birds; and as birds they went hunting. The sea-birds found her and the kingfishers caught her and the song-birds took her and the lyre-birds sang her to the crows and ravens; but the crows and ravens hated beauty and the eagle ripped her leaving little for the butcher-birds to hang in the thorns of a tree.

The women caught me, crying on the ebb,
drifting back on the falling water.
They pulled me out and beat me hard.
“Your song wasn’t true, she needed death
We know truth and truth is pain.
Women have wept the ocean’s water.”

This is very interesting, Jax.
I'm unfamiliar with the form, but my guess is that it's a prose poem. It definitely fits into open form writing.

In L3, I'm wondering if you've chosen the best modifier for the tide - my choice would not be with "making". Several come to mind which appear stronger and livelier.

At the end of V2, you state "the thorns of a tree", which, to my mind, would sound better simply as "the thorn trees", not to confused with the book & mini TV series. Those were the thornbirds, weren't they?

There are images of Kalevela that appear while reading. That's a rather voluminous, Finnish saga. One fellow went and stole a wife from another tribe, and when she wouldn't stop squawking, he turned her into a seagull.

There tis.

Merlin

This is beautiful work... poetry indeed! but is it form? It definately flows but is without consistant meter or rhyme. No matter... I love the sound of it read aloud and the haunting message within.
Sue

Hi Merlin,



This is a tale, my own in part, set in the Dreamtime.

Thanks for commenting, it is appreciated as always,

Jax

Thank you Sue as I said to Merlin it is accentual tet with the central section bundled into one paragraph.

Regards,

Jax

Dear JaxMyth,

your name always draws me to read. I was completely thrown by the form and glad you explained it to be accentual tetrameter. It conveys the charm of ancient myth.

Knew nothing about thorns being employed by butcher birds. Would not recognize a butcher bird if it sat on our window sill.

Happy Thanksgiving

Don

Hi there! I found the form confusing at frist, then I found it interesting. The subject of the poem, however, is somewhat obfuscated. We may make of it what we may....yes? I am familiar with Butcherbirds, and the many other birds that actually use "tools". As far as a woman`s tears filling the oceans speaks to this woman.