A Peep Into Pepy's Diary - 1632 Options

[RC James]

Rather than trying to repair the broken meter, I'll follow the suggestion that this is really a free verse in rhyme. I've converted it to free verse without rhyme, and I know it should be in the free verse forum, but this is where it started and, now where it's ended up in another form. RC (The original somehow disappeared, but the full text is in the comments, I think, in Eisa's section. )


(A Peep Into Pepys's Diary

My sweet children are tucked all under down,
there to dream awhile; you are on an errant
night)

After editing and including the original, Igot the above. I'll try now to add the revised version:



My sweet children are tucked all under down,
there to dream awhile; you are on an errant
night’s errand in full-blown chantilly elegance.
Dreams, as I often in passing mentioned, are
the darker, solitary side of our inventions.

Your thoughts in turmoil won’t alter matters,
anyone surveilling me will report no infidelity;
and humbly, with these amends I bow to thee.
I swear these flirtations have ceased, my penance
has swiftly begun; lacking your smile i’m a-fuddle.

Sophie’s off to a new house, dalliances I now abhor,
no more wenching nor desperate trips backstage,
you blossoming in my arms forever is all I truly crave.
Your form alone will hold me willingly in a gentle cage,
knight’s honor, cast me to the cellar if I so sin again.

[anaisa]

Hi Richard,

I like the essence of the poem, but the downside is the meter isn't steady, that's my concern.
Sorry I don't anything else to add to Eria's comments and I'm not sure how helpful my critique is at this point.
Perhaps strive for an equal amount of hard stresses per line and see what happens, if it is smoother. That would mean making some lines
longer and some shorter.



Children tucked all under down, there to dream awhile,
you on an errant night’s errand in full chantilly’d style.
Dreams, as oft before I did in passing mention,
are the darker, more solitary side of invention,

but, given your thought’s residence now in turmoil,
they won’t alter matters in which you’re embroiled.
A man surveilling me abroad will report no infidelity;
my penance past due with these amends I bow to thee.

Oh lasting love I swear these flirtation are done,
my penance, should thee allow, has swiftly begun.
The Lord, in the past, guided me through these troubles,
but without your sweet smile I am all befuddled.

Sophie’s anon to a new house, therewith the full affair.
If forgiveness there be not, my life will be I know not where.
Far above trifling dalliances, whose allure I do abhor,
you a tumble in my arms is all I crave forevermore.

Not a jot more wenching, nor visits to make up backstage,
I’ll gaze on thy form alone, gentle as a pup in a cage.
This I do heartily swear by my knight’s honor and kin,
relegate me to cellardom if again I should so sin.